Diary of a 30-something idiot

foxandflowers

hi @stymied - Have had to wake him up twice this week and he missed a day of work on his second day because he didn't get up in time to get the train. Rather frustrating... Mr Fox said to me if he ends up getting sacked he will have to go home to his mum as we cannot afford to keep him for free. Stepson is rather easily influenced so hoping the labourers he's with are influencing him into working, timekeeping, and being an adult. First (!) rent payment will be £100 next Friday as he is paid weekly, but has to do a week in hand first. 

@cafelady Hiya. I'm due an assessment with Occ Health on the 6th August. Absolutely dreading it as I hate to ask for things and I'm not overly comfortable discussing how much I'm impacted on a day to day basis in real life. It seems a bit easier on here! 

twiggy86

Please remember that they have a legal obligation - you aren't trying to be unreasonable, you're trying to be a good employee! Have you written down your thoughts/ notes to help you with the conversation? I'm not sure if it's permitted but perhaps you could pass them over at the end if you don't feel you've gotten yourself across fully? 

Also, sorry, but I have to say... does OH appreciate the irony of his statement?! Great that he seems to be getting on board with helping the situation though! It really sounds like things are moving in the right direction, which I'm so pleased for you about! (My ex also didn't contribute his fair share and I loved him regardless and supported him fully - so no judgement of you intended.) 

MFWannabe

foxandflowers said:

hi @stymied - Have had to wake him up twice this week and he missed a day of work on his second day because he didn't get up in time to get the train. Rather frustrating... Mr Fox said to me if he ends up getting sacked he will have to go home to his mum as we cannot afford to keep him for free. Stepson is rather easily influenced so hoping the labourers he's with are influencing him into working, timekeeping, and being an adult. First (!) rent payment will be £100 next Friday as he is paid weekly, but has to do a week in hand first. 

@cafelady Hiya. I'm due an assessment with Occ Health on the 6th August. Absolutely dreading it as I hate to ask for things and I'm not overly comfortable discussing how much I'm impacted on a day to day basis in real life. It seems a bit easier on here! 

I’m glad Mr Fox has said that and hope he follows through with that stance 👍
im not commenting on Mr Fox and work as it’s not my place to comment and your decision 

Saverladytobe

Hi Fox, I've been lurking on your diary for some time (this is my first post). You've done amazingly over the past few years and should be really proud of yourself! Just a couple of quick things - it might make your life more bearable if you budget a little "you" fund for yourself each month. I know that really helps me staying on track and to feel less guilty when im paying off debt/spending on myself. I was also wondering if Mr.Fox could have an allowance for each month? He seems to have bucked his ideas up recently but maybe giving him an amount each month that he can spend will motivate him more - hope i don't sound patronising!  

Purplelady65

I’m sorry to hear about the work situation. It can’t be easy when what you are requesting e.g. clear communication is being misinterpreted and played back to you as something else. It sounds as if your managers need some training and support in managing ASD employees. Please try not to worry about the occ health appointment. Their role is as an objective, neutral support to both the employer and the employee. They are there to help you wherever possible. I presume you have seen the management referral and the questions that are being asked and have agreed with it? If you write down in advance the issues you are experiencing and what you feel your employer could do to support you that should help in the meeting with occ health. Re the training could you discuss with your manager exactly what you need training on. Do they have any SOPs to support your learning. Could you break down the training into smaller tasks that you and whoever is training you could both sign off and date when you have received the training and feel competent?

I think you said you work for the council? I work for a large public sector organisation and we have a support group for neurodiverse staff. The group have produced a booklet for managers on this to support staff weighing the workplace . There is also a staff network for staff with long term conditions, disabilities and caring responsibilities. Both of these groups have received really positive feedback from staff accessing them. I’m just wondering if there might be something similar within your own organisation? You might find it helpful to meet up with other colleagues within your organisation who are in a similar situation.

Re the working from home do you currently already wfh and want to increase it but your managers aren’t keen or are you working in the office full time which is why a new job where you can wfh is of interest to you. 

Finally (you may already be aware) the National Autistic Society has some great resources about how to support an autistic employee which might be helpful for you and your managers. 

Aso

Hello 👋 

First time posting on someone's thread but wanted to jump on and say how amazing you are! I stumbled across your thread a couple days ago and have been engrossed in your journey. You have came soo far since you first started, obviously still away to go but I believe you can get there and I am cheering you on.

Now on to the hubby, firstly I want to say is that he seems to be on a journey of his own. He has lost weight, quit alcohol, he has quit smoking (ok had a blip but is working on it again) and making slight improvements with 'allowing' things to go/being more aware of the need to cut back and lastly he is starting to do abit more about the house. I want to acknowledge the things he has achieved as I feel it means alot to you. 

However one thing I can not get my head around is the fact he is refusing to sign up to benefits? It doesn't make sense and you skim by any comments in relation to this (which is fair enough, you do not owe us any information and what you share is your choice) but it is honestly so confusing and can see why some commenters are frustrated. I get that he clearly isn't going to get a job (which is soo sad for you and your daughter and his own kids) and I get that you have allowed yourself to believe that it actually benefits you with him being at home. But honestly not signing up to benefits shows a lack of care and respect to you. You are having to borrow from your friends where you could have used the benefit money to pay instead. That to me would be the final straw. (I could go on about the unfair spending/luxuries etc but I don't have anything to add that other posters haven't already said)

The other part I want to mention having read your journey in a short time frame is that on numerous occasions you have thought about a life without hubby so deep down I think you know you would be happier and better off without him. But I can imagine you are probably too scared, especially anxious with change from being ND. It maybe that you are not in a place to deal with it right now and that's ok, in your own time. It may be that you get more from the relationship than we can see as readers. Only you truly know and I wish you happiness in your choices.

Please put yourself and your daughter first, it's your money & hard work. Fill up yours and your daughter's cup first then share what is left. I know that is hard for you as you are a caring person/find it hard to say no and would opt for the other way about but for your daughter's sake please think about this.

Sorry to hear about work life not being the best, it really makes it hard to turn up and get through the day (also want to make comment that even though it's not your dream job and you dislike it right now, you are still turning up and providing for your family! Not every job we like, we do it just as a necessity to pay our bills and put food in our tummies until something better comes our way, hint hint hubby). I hope you are successful in gaining a job that suits your needs better.

All the best x

Bluegreen143

I just want to say, because I don’t think it’s been that acknowledged on here, but Fox’s OH isn’t actually entitled to benefits unless he is actually jobseeking, unless I’m misunderstanding? (Do correct me if I’m wrong as I’m not an expert). 

When I was a SAHM I looked it up and you can only claim as an at-home parent until your youngest is 3 now. You are then expected to be in employment of 30 hours a week to get in work benefits or actively job seeking. I don’t believe he is disabled or a carer either. So if they have decided he is better at home (for whatever reason) benefits are unlikely to be an option. Totally get commenters’ frustration but I don’t think it will be a solution for her sadly. If he doesn’t feel up to full time work, maybe casual or part time work could be an option though. 

foxandflowers

Well that is a weekend I am glad is done with. 

Went to meet my newly adopted nibling on Saturday and that was lovely to see Mr Fox's extended family as we don't see them as much as I would like. Awkward situations around various couples and family drama did mean that although lovely, quickly became utterly exhausting and we ended up driving the 2 hours home via a KFC as we had three starving kids in the back of the van. Got a party bucket for £35 and honestly felt quite smug about it because normally everyone puts in their own order and its easily close to £60, but I put foot down a bit and said we are going to do this the cheapest way possible. Was enough left in the end for us to have lunch from it the next day too. 

Mr Fox Snr is looking very fragile. He had a nasty fall a few days ago. I don't know if I mentioned on here he was diagnosed with Parkinson's earlier this year. I worry for him as he is a carer for his wife who has Alzheimer's and she is getting worse too. He is one of my favourite people, and I think a discussion is going to need to be had about whether we can care for him at home. I would rather he came to us than anywhere else, but he is stubborn and independent and that may make things difficult. I also need to discuss with Mr Fox about getting POA before it becomes impossible to do. 

Oldest Stepson may be getting back with his baby mama (great news) and moving to a Northern City to be with them. I am not sure how I feel about this. I like having him around and feel that throwing away a job that could be a career seems daft, but she is adamant that she doesn't want to come to Wales. She is apparently going to speak to her aunt after the baby's birthday in September and see if he can move in.... 

Went to Lidl yesterday and spent £150 on a food shop, but was very pleased with everything I got. It seems to go a lot further when you can see the food you're choosing. I did however manage to drop all 15 eggs that I bought as I was loading everything into the van... all 15 of them broke! So I had to go straight back in to get more haha. I got hair dye too as I really fancied a change, and I am now fox coloured. If you coloured the fox in with an orange highlighter. 

I am trying to have a no spend week now. Obviously bills will need to be paid, but I've bought my bus ticket and I've got enough food for the next ten days, so absolutely no excuses. Mr Fox is on meal cooking and house cleaning duties, I am trying to concentrate at work and put all my effort in so nobody can tell me off, and I really really want to make things work like a functioning adult household. 

-Fox. 

PS. Bluegreen is correct about the benefits. 

MFWannabe

foxandflowers said:

Well that is a weekend I am glad is done with. 

Went to meet my newly adopted nibling on Saturday and that was lovely to see Mr Fox's extended family as we don't see them as much as I would like. Awkward situations around various couples and family drama did mean that although lovely, quickly became utterly exhausting and we ended up driving the 2 hours home via a KFC as we had three starving kids in the back of the van. Got a party bucket for £35 and honestly felt quite smug about it because normally everyone puts in their own order and its easily close to £60, but I put foot down a bit and said we are going to do this the cheapest way possible. Was enough left in the end for us to have lunch from it the next day too. 

Mr Fox Snr is looking very fragile. He had a nasty fall a few days ago. I don't know if I mentioned on here he was diagnosed with Parkinson's earlier this year. I worry for him as he is a carer for his wife who has Alzheimer's and she is getting worse too. He is one of my favourite people, and I think a discussion is going to need to be had about whether we can care for him at home. I would rather he came to us than anywhere else, but he is stubborn and independent and that may make things difficult. I also need to discuss with Mr Fox about getting POA before it becomes impossible to do. 

Oldest Stepson may be getting back with his baby mama (great news) and moving to a Northern City to be with them. I am not sure how I feel about this. I like having him around and feel that throwing away a job that could be a career seems daft, but she is adamant that she doesn't want to come to Wales. She is apparently going to speak to her aunt after the baby's birthday in September and see if he can move in.... 

Went to Lidl yesterday and spent £150 on a food shop, but was very pleased with everything I got. It seems to go a lot further when you can see the food you're choosing. I did however manage to drop all 15 eggs that I bought as I was loading everything into the van... all 15 of them broke! So I had to go straight back in to get more haha. I got hair dye too as I really fancied a change, and I am now fox coloured. If you coloured the fox in with an orange highlighter. 

I am trying to have a no spend week now. Obviously bills will need to be paid, but I've bought my bus ticket and I've got enough food for the next ten days, so absolutely no excuses. Mr Fox is on meal cooking and house cleaning duties, I am trying to concentrate at work and put all my effort in so nobody can tell me off, and I really really want to make things work like a functioning adult household. 

-Fox. 

PS. Bluegreen is correct about the benefits. 

Well done Fox for putting your foot down and for having a productive weekend 👍 
Mr Fox doing cooking and cleaning sounds good 
I really have everything crossed for you that you can make the budget etc work 🤞

foxandflowers

No spend week has turned into a low spend week, which borders on being annoying but has still been productive. £73.13 of bills have come out, and I've had to pop to the shop twice so far this week as the bread and milk has run out and then so did the tea and deodorant for Mr Fox. I am v fussy about tea, love an Early Grey - but find all but the Co-op own brand too weak. Luckily it's not too expensive! Have spent £13.66 on additional bits, but made £12 on Vinted that cleared, so I'm only counting £1.66 as "out of budget" spending.... the week before Monday to Friday I spent £337.16 (£197 on Groceries) which is exactly the sort of shock I need to sort myself out. 

My big Lidl shop on Sunday cost me £157. I am on that basis nearly £40 a week better off. I've made and brought lunch with me every morning and I am eating healthier because of it. I've started making myself breakfast smoothies with oat milk, bananas and frozen berries, and half a little pot of coconut protein yogurt. That along with butter on rice cakes is keeping me mostly full until lunch time. Lunch is a sandwich, a piece of fruit, a packet of crisps, and a chocolate bar. Mr Fox has been cooking all week - we had fajitas on Monday with chicken thigh meat (yummy), chicken wings with chips and garlic bread on Tuesday, and chicken curry last night. Tonight is lasagna, tomorrow is Pizza and Saturday will be Spaghetti Bolognese. There's still plenty in the freezer too, so going to eat our way through some of that before I do another 'big' food shop, as there is barely any room to put anything away currently! I am going to make plum crumble tonight (we call it plumble in our house) and serve with cream. 

The trouble with not shopping is it quickly becomes obvious how much of a comfort it is. I really need to re-wire my brain towards frugality. I have a perfectly serviceable coat, I do not need an Oodie coat just because I get an email that has a sale on. I have been unsubscribing from everything I can in an effort to stop the inflow of junk emails. I want to be at a point where I have (using coats as an example) just one item that covers all the bases, is pretty, practical and durable. And I always know where it is. Am sick of having piles of stuff in cupboards (we own SO many coats) and not ever being able to find the one I need. I wore my Regatta x Orla Kiely Vinted bargain rain jacket today - stayed dry on my upper half, but may have to take inspiration from a postman and start wearing shorts when it rains. I hate having soggy legs. 

Mini Fox's dad promised her he would book time off and have her for two weeks (as per the court order) and take her camping. Unsurprisingly, he has let her down. It doesn't look like he will be having her any extra at all. Luckily Mr Fox is there to pick up the pieces while I work - he has promised to take her overnight in the van just the two of them, and spend lots of one on one time with her. 8 more days until I am off for 10 days. Got to make sure I do the back to school shopping before September. Am unsure if we are going to have Mini Fox on her actual birthday, so have decided best plan is to do a manicure/haircut/get ears pierced, and follow that up with a cinema trip on whatever day we have her that is closest. Her dragon themed birthday presents have been ordered, and most of them have turned up. Just need to figure out how to make a dragon cake now...

Fox x