Divorce when I have no money

Hedge21

Situation is this - Husband works full time and earns £40k before tax. I am a stay at home mum. I returned to work briefly when my youngest started school on a temp contract, but have been unable to find work that fits around school/husband's erratic work hours since, so I'm back to being a stay at home mum (no family locally for childcare sadly and school doesn't offer any before/after school childcare provision).

We have £31k debt that I am aware of. Until yesterday I thought it was £25k. Taking out debt behind my back has been a constant theme of our marriage. Debt companies won't talk to me as it's all in his name (as far as I know). Husband refuses to acknowledge it's even a problem. We have a mortgage with about £80k left on it.

I've spent the last two years asking for a divorce. He says no as there are no problems in our marriage! There are no savings and no money. What happens if one party refuses divorce? What do I do if I have no money for a divorce? As I have no income of my own what is likely to happen with the house? I would appreciate any advice. 

elsien

If the debts are in his name, “we” don’t have debt. He has debt. What has that money been used for? House refurbishment? Holidays? Gambling habit? That may make a difference when it comes to working out what happens next. 

What are you envisaging would happen with the house? Would you expect to stay there with the children, as that doesn’t seem very realistic with no  income to buy him out/continue to pay the mortgage. 

How long have you been married for? 

How much equity is there in the house?

You can petition for divorce without his consent but if he disagrees then you’re looking at unreasonable behaviour to progress things. More information here. (Not a recommendation for the firm in question.) 

https://awhsolicitors.co.uk/articles/family/how-to-get-divorce-if-spouse-refuses-uk/

I think this is something you really need paid legal advice for. 
 

MalMonroe

Hi, sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

It seems that you and your husband really do need to sit down and have an honest conversation. He obviously has problems with disclosing information particularly when it comes to keeping you in the loop where your joint debt is concerned. If your name is on the debt too that is going to affect your credit report as well as his.

You've been asking for a divorce for a long time and he says there isn't a problem. Why not tell him what you think the problems are?

Your problem all boils down to a great lack of communication. Your husband appears to have his head in the clouds and you want a divorce because of his penchant for getting into debt. Whether you work or not is immaterial, when you are in a relationship you share whatever comes into the home. You have a 50percent share of your home, whoever paid for it and whoever pays the mortgage. Possibly more because children are involved. In my divorce case, the solicitors - and finally the judge - focused on our child and her needs - nobody bothered about the adults. And when you have children it's always better for the main carer to remain in the family home. So it's good that you haven't left yet. Don't. 

You could have a look at the information in this link - https://divorce.wikivorce.com/guides/free-guides.html

But please do have some kind of talk with your husband - be as honest as you possibly can and ask the same of him. Tell him why you feel you want a divorce. Divorce - I've been through it and ended up a single parent and it isn't something you want to do lightly at all - is stressful for everyone, especially children.

You could also see what free legal advice is available - 

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/getting-help-and-advice/divorce-and-separation-advice/legal-aid-and-other-help-if-you-cant-afford-divorce-or-separation-fees

Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation, that may be something to also consider.

But as I said above, please do think very carefully about the impact of divorce on everyone involved. If you've managed to stick things out with your husband for the last two years without taking decisive action, it doesn't seem that your situation is desperate. 

Please also talk to each other. In my case, my husband and I never actually were honest enough to open up for that discussion until the day he left home - it was far too late then to retrieve any kind of relationship. And it was very difficult for both of us to hear where we had each failed the other - and exceptionally difficult for our 9 year old to understand.

Hedge21

Thank you for your reply. Some of the money (around £10k) went on house renovations. The rest has been on utter crap - such as gadgets, accessories for his car and luxuries we just can't afford. He is still living like a single man when he has a family. My kids and I don't get a look in.

We have been married 12 years. The house only has about £25k paid off. Ideally I'd like to keep the house but I accept it's unlikely. Despite living in a cheap area, our monthly mortgage payments are lower than most rents here.

I will look at the link you have sent me. Thank you.

Hedge21

Thank you MalMonroe (sorry it will not allow me to quote you). I have tried and tried to talk to him, but he just isn't interested and will repeatedly say that there isn't a problem or that the debt is not my business! I've told him how I feel but I am told I'm ridiculous (and another word he likes to throw around which is hugely offensive). Some days he doesn't speak to me at all. He rarely engages with the kids either. I realise this will have a huge impact on them, but at the moment it is a case of weighing up if they will suffer more from his actions while he is here or more if we leave.

RAS

I'd advise you to check in detail what benefit support you could get if you moved out or moved hubby out? It wouldn't cover capital re-payments on a mortgage these days, AFAIK.

Do you have family or support in another area who might help with childcare, which would allow you to go back to work? And at what age are the children? My parents split with 3 under 8 but once the youngest went to school the PWC worked full-time as there was no in-work support then. It wasn't brilliant but part of that was the benefit support at the time.

Avoid getting any accounts with your husband but get yourself a basic bank account if you don't have one, into which you can pay scraps of money, even if you only use it as a savings account to pay for things like birthdays. And in 6 months, see if you can get a "bad credit" credit card with a low limit. Use that to buy one thing a month and pay off the full value every month from the bank account. 

Getting a divorce doesn't cost much BUT the financial settlement can be very difficult. 

littlegreenparrot

Hedge21 said:

Thank you MalMonroe (sorry it will not allow me to quote you). I have tried and tried to talk to him, but he just isn't interested and will repeatedly say that there isn't a problem or that the debt is not my business! I've told him how I feel but I am told I'm ridiculous (and another word he likes to throw around which is hugely offensive). Some days he doesn't speak to me at all. He rarely engages with the kids either. I realise this will have a huge impact on them, but at the moment it is a case of weighing up if they will suffer more from his actions while he is here or more if we leave.

This is ringing some bells on my head for domestic violence. It is not acceptable. 

Do you have a trusted friend or family member you can talk to? There are charities that specifically provide support for people in this situation. See if you can find out what's in your area, I'd start with the GP surgery if you need sign posting. They will be able to advise you. 

Do take care. 

T.T.D

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

I don’t think he’s denying a divorce because his heads are in the clouds, I think he’s denying a divorce because of the financial obligations he would have to you, it’s a power play to make you feel your the one who has the problem and not him.

If you got 0.00 savings, no benefits or source of income upon leaving him or him leaving, you can apply for divorce using the https://www.gov.uk/get-help-with-court-fees process I would assume you’d be entitled to Universal Credit upon him leaving, I would assume you have child benefit in your name and paid to you (so your NI contributions are being covered for you).

I would strongly advise you speak with a WomensAid adviser.

 

RAS

Hedge21 said:

I have tried and tried to talk to him, but he just isn't interested and will repeatedly say that there isn't a problem or that the debt is not my business! I've told him how I feel but I am told I'm ridiculous (and another word he likes to throw around which is hugely offensive). Some days he doesn't speak to me at all. He rarely engages with the kids either. I realise this will have a huge impact on them, but at the moment it is a case of weighing up if they will suffer more from his actions while he is here or more if we leave.

Cross-posted.

Agree, this sounds like there may be an economic abuse/psychological abuse situation going on here.

He wants the convenience of someone looking after the house and himself but not the responsibility or the relationship. Having children is a good way to bind you to him and make you more vulnerable economically.

Please speak to Women's Aid or another domestic abuse charity. 

If you have problems accessing a safe phone or internet connection to speak to them, use "Ask for ANI" Pharmacies launch codeword scheme to offer ‘lifeline’ to domestic abuse victims - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

RobM99

Sadly - another case of a relationship problem blamed unfairly on money.

Pollycat

RobM99 said:

Sadly - another case of a relationship problem blamed unfairly on money.

If the OP's husband has taken on debt without discussing it with her - at least as far as renovations on the house they both live in - I would class that as a relationship breaking down at least partly because of money.