Guidance to open discussions with ageing parents about possible care costs and decision making

tornewbie

Hey
My sister and I are in our 40's. Our parents are in their mid to late 70s.
We all get on well and see and support each other often.
We all have mortgages. My parents are considering moving to be nearer to myself and my sister. My sister and I live 20 mins away from each other. Our parents an hour and half drive away.
I would like to find a guide that we can all read to help us start conversations about what happens if one or both of them become ill, what we might expect in terms of care costs in the home or in a care home. 
I am sure you all have a wealth of advice but I need a guide in a format I can share with them, not point them to this forum. 
Once we've started the conversation I will be back for advice I am sure! 
We are all close and able to talk to each other but I think none of us can face starting this conversation as it's ultimately going to be about poor health and death. I'm very practical about life and death, but not when it comes to think about my parents.
I want us to have discussed it all in advance of having to make decisions, and of course as one or both of them may at some point be unable to make decisions. 

I would like a guide that covers everything in easy steps, rather than random words and concepts to research myself. Getting on a bit myself and my brain needs all the help it can get!

huge thanks all

Keep_pedalling

I would start by talking about setting up lasting powers of attorney for both finance and welfare, especially the former as is vital if either of them lose the capacity to manage their own affairs. I would recommend you make yours at the same time as you you never know when accident or illness might strike. If you tell them that you are making your own LPAs then they will be less likely to think you are pushing them into it because they are getting on a bit. Hopefully you all already have up to date wills in place if not, then bring up doing yours as well.

Age UK have a lot of good advice around health welfare and care on their website.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/

Newly_retired

You know your parents, and we don't, but as someone around their age, I hope you won't mind me saying that this conversation has to be on their terms, not ideas you impose, though you may well take the initiative to start it.  Are they not able to use the internet? Most people I know of my age do, so they may be well informed already, or can follow links.  By thinking of moving nearer, unless their health is already declinng, they have a whole lot of living to do, so hopefully they are giving consideration to good transport, shops and health centre close by, plus access to things like libraries, banks and whatever their interests are?
 
The long term future may well be something they are thinking about but they don't want to feel they are putting you in a difficult situation by moving nearer. You need to think about what support you are prepared to offer, as and when it is needed.

Mojisola

tornewbie said:

I would like to find a guide that we can all read to help us start conversations about what happens if one or both of them become ill, what we might expect in terms of care costs in the home or in a care home.

I second AgeUK information.

As to actually starting the conversation, I found the type of line "A friend/colleague/neighbour's parent is starting to need a lot of help because their health isn't so good now - have you had any thoughts about how you'd manage?" quite useful.

Jude57

Mojisola said:

tornewbie said:

I would like to find a guide that we can all read to help us start conversations about what happens if one or both of them become ill, what we might expect in terms of care costs in the home or in a care home.

I second AgeUK information.

As to actually starting the conversation, I found the type of line "A friend/colleague/neighbour's parent is starting to need a lot of help because their health isn't so good now - have you had any thoughts about how you'd manage?" quite useful.

I agree with this approach and would perhaps add how simple the 'friend/colleague/neighbour' has found it to help their parents because they already had LPA's in place and had done for years. Goodness knows how they'd have coped without them. I'd then say that you've done a bit of research on LPA's and either give them a link to reputable websites like AgeUK or Citizens Advice or get print outs of the information and leave it with them to read and discuss between themselves. 

I'm getting older myself and I have to admit that any approach to me using a 'doom and gloom' scenario wouldn't be effective but an example of the benefits of future planning appeals to my need to be in control of my life!😀

Mojisola

Jude57 said:

I'm getting older myself and I have to admit that any approach to me using a 'doom and gloom' scenario wouldn't be effective but an example of the benefits of future planning appeals to my need to be in control of my life!😀

Having been through all this with two sets of parents, we've given our kids permission to say to us "Remember when you had to discuss this with / make arrangements for / broach difficult issues with our grandparents - well, it's time for you and us to talk about those things with you".  How well we'll take it when the time comes is another matter!

Marmaduke123

Mojisola said:

Jude57 said:

I'm getting older myself and I have to admit that any approach to me using a 'doom and gloom' scenario wouldn't be effective but an example of the benefits of future planning appeals to my need to be in control of my life!😀

Having been through all this with two sets of parents, we've given our kids permission to say to us "Remember when you had to discuss this with / make arrangements for / broach difficult issues with our grandparents - well, it's time for you and us to talk about those things with you".  How well we'll take it when the time comes is another matter!

I hope in light of your experience you've set up your own LPAs for both health and welfare. It's only to do once.

elsien

Advance decision is on my to do list. I’m very clear about what medical treatment I would want to refuse if I lose capacity. 

theoretica

Another thing to think about discussing are the more minor sorts of care - my mother is currently gently resisting getting a cleaner in...  Would you or your sister be expecting/expected to take this sort of thing on? 

Sea_Shell

theoretica said:

Another thing to think about discussing are the more minor sorts of care - my mother is currently gently resisting getting a cleaner in...  Would you or your sister be expecting/expected to take this sort of thing on? 

My MiL has already expressed that she wouldn't want a cleaner (stranger) in the house, even though she could easily afford one.

I wonder who she expects to do it when the time comes? 🙄

We begrudge doing our own chores, never mind someone elses!! 😜

claire16c

My Dad printed off the LPA forms and we got them sorted and had a friend be the witness etc so I didn’t have to bring anything up as he did! .I’d just be practical about it and say let’s get this sorted while we are all fit and healthy and this is a way of ensuring its easier in the future and we don’t waste time and money then.