advice on communicating with partner about bills increase

pinkshoes

PCAP21 said:

Thank you - all very good points & definitely some red flags /relationship issues that im working on..
I had started to draft an updated bills budget but as I can't get a reading for the last 5 months it's really hard to estimate how much we should now be paying.. I have shown him the average increase estimates but just looks at me blankly!! As I can't get anywhere with my new utility company it's just all guess work until they fix the meter..

The guy is clearly an idiot so don't show him stuff, just TELL him how much he will now be paying. 

If you can't get a reading then just go off high end estimates for 2 people living in a similar sized house. 2 long hot showers a day?!?! Work out what half the bills would be (not mortgage - don't let him pay that!!!) and make him pay half of food, energy and council tax. 

This sounds like more than an energy bill problem. He doesn't seem to have much respect for you.

Savvy_Sue

tightauldgit said:

1. Sit down and say 'Dave (or whatever) the bills have gone up 4* in the last six months and I need you to contribute more. I was thinking £xxx per month'

It may also be looking at adverts on spareroom, gumtree etc for what a room in a shared house locally would cost, especially the 'including bills' offers (if there are any still out there!) 

tightauldgit said:

2. If he says 'OK' then cool, if he starts a long-winded BS series of excuses then 'Dave, this isn't working and I need you to move out by the end of the month. Good luck.'

You do have to mean this. But I don't see why you shouldn't. Relationships where one person declines to engage in sensible conversations about money often end in tears: the longer it lasts, the more the tears. 

TBagpuss

I would draw up a spreadsheet showing the outgoings (except the mortgage)

Show him this and explain that costs have gone up significantly due to the general increase in costs of living / fuel etc but also that consumption is more than double what t was before he moved in becaue of his preference for turning up the heatinrathe than putting on a jumper, having longer and more frequent showers etc.

Tell him that you need him to start paying 50% of those outgoings  - if he argues that you should pay more becaue he is self employed then ask him to priovide copies of his tax returns and current sets of accoutns to see how your actual incomes compare, and also look atwhat proportion of the bills are due to his self employment.

If his actual income is lwer than yours then it may be reasonable to split on that basis - e.g. if you earn £30,000 and he earns £20,000 then split the bills with you paying 3/5 and him paying 2/5 .

If he is npot prepared to pay more / iscuss it then you havea much bigger relationship problem and I'd suggest thinking abouttalking to RELATE or somewhere similar.

Could you manage if her were to move out? If so, then start to consider whether you are willing to tell him to leave if he is not prepared to pull his weight. 

[Deleted User]

Hi,

why is this all about cost of energy?

Is he paying any other living in your house expenses?

KxMx

There really isn't a way to communicate normally with irrational people who can't see/talk sense, all you can do is present the options, pay up or move out, and follow through.
Up until now he is happy with how things are and you've always backed down, so he will be anticipating that pattern of behaviour will continue as there haven't been any consequences for him.

No judgement from me- different dynamic but I was in a similarly dysfunctional relationship enabling the other party, I had to start getting tougher and when that didn't work, I moved out!

london21

PCAP21 said:

I am really struggling to communicate with my partner about all the price hikes & the need for him to contribute more towards the bills. He has been living in my house for nearly 2 years now and my initial lodging costs were calculated way before everything went up. We are very different when it comes to finances and as he's self-employed (wfh) he has this belief that I am in a much better position than him and all his money earnt is somehow more precious as I get paid by a company, add that to the fact I own the property etc. I have always been very frugal when it comes to energy and other utilities such as water, but our usage has gone up fourfold (!!) since he moved in as he enjoys long showers twice a day and works at night when I normally don't use much electricity and heating at all, moans about how cold the house is without putting extra layers on and sneakily blasts an electric heater when I'm not about. On multiple occasions I have tried to approach this conversation but it's so stressful and I cannot get him to see where i am coming from. I have also been waiting on my new utilities company to sort some complications out with my meter (since my old one was shut down by ofcom) so havent been able to get any readings since March. I am so stressed out & it's really impacting on my health & my own finances. I recently ask him to go halves with me on firewood and he suggested that I buy the firewood and he will go foraging for his own wood - how can he see this is just a crazy way to cohabit?!!!!! I'm at my wits end & would really appreciate some advice on talking to a partner who is irrationally tight with their financial contributions.

Do you show him the bills, does he listen to the news, shop etc because it has been said a lot this past 6 months about the costs of everything going up.

Energy, petrol, food, interest rate etc inflation is high and still increasing.

You need to communicate with him or get him to have bills in his name. 

MalMonroe

Hi, I really don't think this relationship is working. Your partner is acting like a naughty schoolboy with you as the strict headmistress. Which can be a good thing, sometimes (so I've been told!)

But sometimes relationships can work better if each partner lives separately. One of my best friends and her husband, both professional people, just could not live together but loved each other very much, so she moved out and they had separate homes. Their son was free to stay with either Mum or Dad at any time just as they were free to use either property at any time. They are still together and put it down to living separately, except when they choose to be together. Their homes are on the same avenue and they are both very happy. They have never considered their relationship to be a failure and neither has ever wanted to be with a different partner. They might not live together but had they stayed in the same property, they feel sure they would have divorced years ago. It might not suit everybody but it does work for some. It's something to think about.

The info in the following link may be helpful for your partner -  (wood foraging appears to be a big no-no)

https://www.gov.uk/government/news/restrictions-on-sale-of-coal-and-wet-wood-for-home-burning-begin

Spendless

By your own admission you are frugal so what some might see as ordinary consumption you may be seeing as excessive use as it's far more than the steps you take. Several people take showers twice a day, both morning and night. Is his job a manual one so he needs to freshen up after working? I can share your frustration with some of it, my DH will moan he's cold whilst wearing T-shirts and shorts in December, claiming he needs to be 'comfortable' whereas I tell him to dress adequately for the weather and then let me know if he's still cold.

You need to work out what this is costing in real terms and come to a suitable arrangement. 

x_raphael_xx

I live with my bf, and I run the finances (cos I've always done it, and I love a spreadsheet so its just easier)
We have seperate bank accounts and I tell him "this is how much you need to pay this month"
When I get an email or letter that something has gone up or a DD has to increase, I tell him. "Babe, the energy people say DD needs to go up by £50, so thats an extra £25 each"
Tell him, don't ask him.
If he looks at you blankly cos you've told him "this has gone up by x%" just tell him simply. "You need to pay £x"

littlegreenparrot

This above would be my approach. This is not a negotiation, don't allow it to become one. 

Hey love, just done the maths and you are going to need to pay x amount next month. 

Whinge, grumble so unfair etc. 

Yeah, sucks doesn't it? Still, this is where we are. It needs to be x.   

Repeat as necessary. I would eventually get to ...well you could look for somewhere else to live if you think you could do better. But you need to mean it.