Any Suggestions??

Bananabelly

Hi,I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions, money-saving or not. A very close friend of mine whom I've known since we were 8 (we are now 30) was due to have a baby this week by c-section, she was about 39 weeks pregnant. Unfortunately I got a message that the baby died on Friday. I am not sure of the details as we live in separate countries, but I am going there for Christmas and I would like to get her something nice to remember her baby by. I don't think I will be there for the funeral, but hopefully my mum can go to represent me.Does anyone have a suggestion, or been in that situation themselves, what would be appreciated? She has two young children and is not coping well from what her family have told me. I don't have kids myself and have no idea where to start, in fact I already bought her a few (practical) bits for the baby to take back with me, which obviously I can't give her now.Thanks for any suggestionsBB

paddy's_mum

Some years ago, I had two friends who each lost a child. One was from meningitis and the other was a cot death. In each case, I sent a donation to a charity supporting that particular cause. That might be a way for you to go, since no amount of flowers or other gifts would be an appropriate response to your friend's tragedy.

missjennipenni

Id go with the donation thing as well, she may not want reminders from outsiders about her baby. If you can find out (discretely) what happened, you can then make a donation to the approriate charity

Gingham_Ribbon

She may find some support from this organisation. Local women who have experienced this kind of loss run support groups. SANDS

This charity are involved in research and prevention of such tragic deaths. Tommy's.

A friend wears a necklace of rememberance which has a locket with footprints on it. This site seems to have some jewellery of that sort though I'd say that it's intensely personal and may be better if she chose something herself if she wanted anything like that.

I don't think there is such thing as coping 'well' at a time like this. Either she'll appear to be falling apart or she'll be hiding it well. I suppose the most anyone can do is offer support and love and try to give practical help too - like looking after the other children or doing housework or whatever she feels comfortable accepting from you. And listening if she's ready to talk.

tigtag02

The charity idea is great.

My suggestion depends on your friend, her state of mind and how you think you would react but how about some kind of memory box where she can keep photos of the scan, various other memories of the baby who will always be her 3rd child.

Hope that makes sense and your friend is in my thoughts and prayers.
tigtag
x

Lorian

Bananabelly wrote: »

I would like to get her something nice to remember her baby by.

I wouldn't. The memories are unlikely to ever be happy, best to move on, buy something nice for her.

Bananabelly

Thanks for the suggestions, I hadn't thought of donating to charity but she is already involved a bit in charities about babies, so that will be appreciated I think, and better than any gift I could think of.I will direct her to the locket idea if the time is right, that might be a long way off.I know there is not really such a thing as coping well, but apparently she is not wanting to organise the funeral, her parents are doing it. Everyone deals with these things differently I guess. I am sure I will find out what happened exactly, it's just that I'm 10,000 miles away...it's hard to ask those kind of questions in an email, even of her sister. I have never felt so far away, I'm just glad I had already planned to go back.Thanks again for your help

Bananabelly

Lorian wrote: »

I wouldn't. The memories are unlikely to ever be happy, best to move on, buy something nice for her.

I did think of things for her, I am just very aware of stories where women have been told to forget about babies that die around birth because they didn't live, so to speak, and a lot of people say they would prefer if their son or daughter was remembered as part of the family rather than forgotten. After all, if the baby had grown to be 20 and then died, you wouldn't expect people to just move on and 'forget' that that person existed. I don't think the memories will be happy, but I also think it would be quite upsetting to pretend it never happened.I will, however, offer childcare, etc, or maybe a day out once she's up to it.Sorry if my post is not the best, I am not in a great frame of mind.

mum2one

My mum lost her 1st daughter and was given a poem, the 1st verse

"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of mine he said
for you to love while she lives
and mourn for when shes dead
it may be six or seven days
or twenty two or three
but till I call I her back
take care of her for me"

Bananabelly

PS I can't get the thanks button to work but I really do appreciate your responses. I guess I was thinking more of a gesture than something bought from a shop, and you all helped me with that so thank you.

Gingham_Ribbon

You sound like a great friend. x