It’s hard to let go.

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Thank you all for your thoughts and comments. My thoughts are to all those carers out there.

I gave up my job and sold my home to look after mum. This was the best moved I have ever made and have no regrets.

The prognosis was 3 months, dear mum went on to live 12. In that time I never left her (only to go local shopping). I had to turn her every few hours so I slept on the sofa. The hardest part came when she first refused food and shortly after water. You end up looking at a human skeleton. When the end came I was holding her hand, I told her not to fight and go and pay the ol’ man a visit, she look at me with a slight smile and went.

I am not spiritual or religious person, but when people tell you she looks down on me with happiness, it does give me comfort.

Both my parents ashes are scattered in the rear garden that was their pride and joy, I am not a keen gardener but I pay tribute by keeping the garden looking nice.

So, I have the memories to keep, I have digitalize all the photographs from my parents youth, the wedding, the holidays, all put together in a compilation of their life’s history.

Moving forwards, the plan for me is to buy a new home in a new location, starting afresh so to speak.

The parents photographs on the wall catch the early morning sun, they are starting to fade perhaps in time along side the memories.

I leave you with this last sad thought, I told my brothers (we have no children) that when our time comes every think we owned will end up in a council waste site....

 

74jax

Thumbs_Up said:

Thank you

I leave you with this last sad thought, I told my brothers (we have no children) that when our time comes every think we owned will end up in a council waste site....

 

This was what got me and my brother when clearing the family home. Had been our home for 60 years.  We looked around, took what we wanted, asked friends if they wanted anything, charities, auction house..... Most went to the local tip.....

There's no 'normal' in grief.... My brother and I, brought up by the same parents handled the deaths very differently. My brother couldn't bare to let go, I didn't want much out of the house, but he couldn't bare to let stuff go, so took an awful lot - now out of sight in his loft .... But he's happy. I don't like 'junk' (which it was to me) and am not sentimental, but if he wanted it then fair enough. There is no right and there is no wrong.

I took a jumper of dad's and still have it, I also have scarves of mams, but we cleared clothes quickly as we only had a day to be in the house, so had to make Reah decisions.... I do wish I'd taken some items I didn't, but it's long gone now.

Don't rush anything, you will do it all in your own time. 

TBagpuss

I'm sorry for yur ;loss. And Ithink there's no roight or wrong or normal way of griveing, we all do it differently.

I know when my grandmother died there was a certain amount of tension (and much diplomacy needed) as one sibling really wanted / needed tfor things like clearing the house to be done asquickly as possible, they felt they couldn't really grieve with all of the practical stuff outstanding, another felt they could possibly cope with discussions about how furniture and personal items were divided up / disposed of too soon and needed time to grieve first. 

(I n the end, and givne that the house had to be sold to cover hercare fees, the house was sold and the biggest items of furniture shared / disposed of relatively quickly, but threwere bxes full of smaller personal items which weren't sorted or divided up for much longer, to try to accommodate eveyone's needs and feelings)

I think as long as it isn't cuasing any problems you are fine to take the time you need. 

It can sometimes help to feel that there is a positive in the changes you make - for instance, by donating things to a charity she supported or simialr.

f you find yourslef wanting to move forward, you could consider doing something such as making (or hving made) a memory quily using fabrc rom some of her favourite clothes, or thse which remind you most of her - it can be a way of keeping the memories but educingthe total amount of stuff which you hold on to, but equally, unles you desperately need the space there's no reason to hurry.

Sometimes it can be helpful to think of it as doing something new, rather than getting rid of her things - e.g. if you decided that you wanted to have your own office / craft room / whatever so changing her room and clearing space became about making something new rather than the focus being changing what used to be hers. 

Pennylane

My parents had been married 52 years when my Dad died. I thought Mum would take ages getting rid of his belongings but she actually did it very quickly.  

When my Mum died it took me the best part of a year to gradually clear her stuff but I needed the space so I had to do it.  

I have a big plastic crate in the loft with her favourite cardigan, silk scarf, costume jewellery, knitted bits, her specs, a few diaries, fave cookery book, perfume etc. I can’t bear to get rid of them. I also have a smaller box with her school certificates, boxes of photos, poems and so on. 

My SIL died last year in her early 60s and her husband and adult kids disposed of her hobby stuff of which there was plenty, hundreds of books, clothes etc in just a few weeks.  Everybody does things differently and it’s what feels right for them I guess.

I still find little things like her thimble, woven clothes labels in my sewing tin and a magazine with her handwriting on. Nice memories though. 

Keswick1uk

Just before Mum died in May she warned me about a bag of crafts my talented Nan had made. She says the bag is labelled.

It's worth nothing but the bag holds hundreds of hours of seriously talented handiwork and she couldn't bear to just throw it away. She seemed quite relieved to be passing the problem on to me!

I doubt when I find it that I'll be able to get rid of it. I suspect some of it is smocking which my Nan made a lot of when I was tiny. Most of my dresses were hand smocked. But we will see.

otb666

I lost my MIL a month ago and have been given her lippys and underwear to dispose of But I am using it all myself as its helping me with my grief x

Keswick1uk

That's interesting as there are some very good quality outdoor clothes my Mum had which would fit me. Far better quality than I can afford. I won't take them if Dad doesn't want me to but, if he does, I will.find wearing them a comfort.

However my brother wants a few select items to keep in a memorial box. When I mentioned some others he said no, his wife would probably want to wear them and he couldn't bear it.

We are all so different. 

otb666

i must admit my hubby was not keen But no one can see underwear and gives me great comfort and a real boost everyday with the lip stick.  Any other clothes I will put away and get out again in a year or so

TripleH

When my father passed, my mother was quite quick in clearing his stuff. They had a massive house (family home) which was too big for them that she was desperate to move out of.

We as children were allowed to take any of his stuff that we wanted as keepsakes. I lived in his tops during lockdown before binning them as they'd worn out.

I don't think I properly grieved him until we lost our eldest cat and my subconscious released a valve but when I did, I did so my way.

I still have some momentoes of his.