It’s hard to let go. 22 July 2022 at 11:43AM in Deaths, funerals & probate 19 replies 1.5K views

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I gave my dear mother end of life care at her home with a hospital type bed installed. Today I was hoovering, but two years after her death I still find some of her hair imbedded in the carpet. The thing is I purposely don’t hoover it up. Her clothes are still in the wardrobes.

My question to you is – is this normal behaviour?  Clearly I haven’t let her go yet and i know passage of time does heal.

 

shiraz99

Everyone handles bereavement their own way, there's not right or wrong and there's no normal. Don't stress about it, live every day as it comes and it will get better.

My Dad passed earlier this year and my mum 4 years ago, it took my Dad and us a couple of years to clear out the wardrobes of most of mum's clothes etc, and there's still plenty of her stuff in drawers etc. We're in no rush to sell my Dad's house, partly because it's been a family home for over 40 years and it will take a lot to start to clear it which again I'm in no rush to do.

Keep_pedalling

When it comes to grieving, I don’t think their is any such thing as normal, we all deal with it in different ways.

Torry_Quine

When it comes to grief there is no normal just what is right for you. Having clothes after two years is very common, my husband died longer and I've still got his.
I just want to say don't be too hard on yourself, caring for someone and loosing them is tough. 🫂. I don't think time does heal we just get better at living with the loss.

Gers

It doesn't matter what others think or do, what matters is what's right for you. Friends of mine kept their mother's house intact for five years because one of the siblings couldn't bear to do anything. When my mother died, like yours, at home I was much faster. Mostly because her home wasn't mine and I had spent so long with her during lockdown and her final days. The flat meant nothing to me.

My way of dealing with the loss was to be extremely grateful for her life, her love for me and the gratitude for the strength with which she faced her death. They all keep me comforted.  And she had written me a card telling me to get on with my own life!

Be gentle to yourself. It's not a case of 'letting go', its about acceptance (at least for me).

SevenOfNine

Can you gather some of the strands of hair to put in a locket? If you're not ready to let go of her clothes, then don't.

Maybe give some thought to having a bear made from a couple of items of her clothing, I've seen some stunning ones, with embroidered words of love on, made in a way that will bring thoughts of your mum wearing the items, not just bits of material stitched together.

A cushion for the sofa, or a quilted throw, BUT, you shouldn't do anything you can't undo. The only thing you should do is whatever feels right for you.

Rusty190

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What they all said.
I don't know if this would help OP, but www.sueryder.org have a bereavement forum which is very helpful to dip into when you wonder if you're going slightly mad with your grief (you're not, by the way).
Anything that helps is the general concensus providing it's neither illegal or harmful.

Keswick1uk

You do it your way. That's the right way for you.

We've recently lost Mum. I would find "inheriting" her hiking boots and winter coat to wear comforting. My brother cannot bear to see things of hers,  but wants to make a memorium box to put a few things in. My Dad's ready to sort her clothes - he finds them still being in the same places really hard.

We all have our own ways and that is absolutely OK.

BooJewels

I'd concur with what others have said - it's very personal to each individual and their own circumstances. There is no right or wrong.

I've lost both my parents and my husband in quite short order and therefore dealing with all three of their belongings in a perpetual cycle of sorting and deciding what to keep, what to chuck etc.  Most of my husband's clothes went quite early, purely because we'd needed to clear out the [too small really] bedroom to make space for a hospital bed and often several nurses at the same time, so his clothes were tipped out of cupboards into laundry bags, so that we could remove furniture out of the way, so there was no point in putting them back into the new furniture I had to later get.  I've kept a few favourite pieces that I just can't get rid of in a nice storage box.   I also found walking past his coats hanging up to be difficult, so I did send the best of them to a charity shop a while ago - my son helped with that as he felt the same - it made it look like he'd just popped out.  The hospice who provided the staff that looked after him will get something back, so all's good.

I've also kept scraps of pertinent fabrics from my Mum etc (she was a prolific sewer, so I often have the fabric offcuts to garments I can remember but themselves have gone), as @SevenOfNine mentioned, to make into something as keepsakes for my sister and I - I make make up style pouches etc. to keep things in when I holiday, so I'll line some with fabrics that have meaning to us - so they'll come on travels with us.

So just do what works for you - it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Marcon

Thumbs_Up said:

I gave my dear mother end of life care at her home with a hospital type bed installed. Today I was hoovering, but two years after her death I still find some of her hair imbedded in the carpet. The thing is I purposely don’t hoover it up. Her clothes are still in the wardrobes.

My question to you is – is this normal behaviour?  Clearly I haven’t let her go yet and i know passage of time does heal.

 

From one of your previous questions (https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6324253/if-you-are-wearing-my-shoes#latest) posted six months ago, you are living at your brother's house, so I guess a conversation with him about your mother's clothes etc might be relevant and possibly therapeutic for both of you, if your mother's house has now become his home (if not, this reply is misguided and I apologise).

I completely agree with all the comments above about grief being very personal etc, but if you are living in someone else's property, you do have both moral support and an obligation to consider their views. Hopefully two men in their 50s (I'm assuming you are both in the same sort of age bracket) can have an adult conversation without either being needlessly distressed by it.

cymruchris

I'm in the process of preparing my parent's house for sale - and something you mentioned there also crossed my mind when I was cleaning my dad's bedroom. I repainted the walls to freshen the room up, but as I got down to the freshening it all up, putting the Vax across the carpet, moving the bed out to dust behind, it made me think how the 'dust' was primarily my dad! And the hairs here and there were most likely his, and that by cleaning and clearing it was almost in effect erasing his history from the room. Realistically it needed to be done, but it still gave me a moment or several of reflection. There's no timescale on when you have to do things if you're not in any rush to sell the property, so take each day and week as it comes.

You've taken a step forwards by posting the question, and it means that you are thinking about next steps, and when they should happen in relation to your own life. I decided that aside from a couple of nick-nacks that I'll keep for memories sake, and the odd fixture, I'm going to clear the whole house. I have already been through the clothes trying to work out what would be good for charity, and what realistically was well-worn stuff that wouldn't have another use (except for shredding in clothes banks) - and have cleared many of the personal possessions. I'm sure you'll do the right thing when the time is right for you.