Should I lend money to an ex?

prowla

If you lend money to a friend you should always be prepared to (a) not get it back, and (b) stop being friends.

NBLondon

yvonne13_2 said:

If someone has to keep lending money they need to find a better job.

Better than being a loan shark you mean?

Mojisola

Mark300zx said:

She hasn't been on holiday for at least 15 years, living a very meagre existence, driving a 20-year-old car which she needs for work.

Always paid back on time and two lots of £5k.

Has she ever taken advice from one the free debt charities about managing her money? 

That might break the cycle for her.

Brie

As others say - do it if you are okay never getting it back.

And I'd suggest you add - ok but this is the very last time.  And stick to it.

london21

Only if you would not mind losing it. They might not pay you back. 

TBagpuss

Mark300zx said:

Lent her money a couple of times in the past when she had fallen upon hard times and she has always paid it back, but over the years the same old pattern and story has been repeating itself. I feel in some way I am facilitating this life pattern the fault always belongs to someone else and/or she's been unlucky, she has been a good friend to me but I feel awkward about how money is always somehow lingering in the background?

Over to the floor!

I don't think there is a right or a wrong answer. 

It's perfectly fine for you to stop, if you feel uncomfortbale or that it makes your relationship awkward.

It's also fine for you to continue to do it, if you are comfortable with it and accept that there's always the possibility that you might lose the money or the friendsship or both. 

It's not your responsibility to teach her or force her to be better at managing her money, nor is it your responsibility to bail her out if she is struggling. 
Lots of people may be struggling with financial issues without anyone 'enabling' them or their being irresponsible - one of the propblems with being poor is that things are more expnsive and it is very hard to get out of a hole if you find yourselff in one. - do you know what she needed the money for? 

Having to borrow for emergencies such as a car breaking down doesn't necessarily mean that someone is irresponsible, it may mean that they are living hand to mouth or can only afforda tinu amount of savings - I recall when I was younger having an issue with my car, and a problem with my boiler, within a week of each other. I was, and am, very careful with money and I had some savings, but I didn't have enough savings to enable me to cover both. Had they come 6 months apart , or  toghether but 6 months later, I could have managed.
I was lucky that my parents were willing and able to help, and I could then pay them back - had they not been able to do so I would have had to get a bank loan, overdraft or credit card and would have then had to try to cover interest as well, and would probably have been struggling far more and for far longer. And that would have been on the basis taht as someone with a job and a good credit record I would have been able to get aan overdraft or bank loan. For many people who are already struggling those options aren't there, and the ptions which are available hve punitive rates of interest. 

All that said, whether she is responsible r not, you are not under any obligation to continue to help, so it does comedoen to whethr you want to and feel comfortable.

On the plus saide,it sounds as though you have a good relationship with her, she's paid you back in the past, so if you decide that you can hel and are comfortable doing so there's a good change those things will still be true.
If you've reached a point where you feel you are being used then a polite, "Sorry, but I can't" is fine. 

ScarletBea

What so many others have mentioned about you not needing it for yourself in the future.

I did this, lent my ex money for the university fees and she was slowly paying me back, X per month. When we broke up, I still paid that semester because I had promised, yet she only paid the usual X for a couple more months before simply stopping, so I lost close to £2k...

pinkshoes

Only lone it if you're happy to lose it...

I'd want to know why yet again this person needs to borrow so much money and how, if they get themselves into debt like that, are they then managing to pay it back? So clearly they earn enough in the year, but cannot budget properly.

It sounds to me like you would be better off helping them with their finances by sorting out a budget so that they don't need to keep borrowing and paying back. 

newatc

I agree with Pinkshoes and others. After lending out to various family and friends when younger with probably less than 50% payback (more concerned with the attitude rather than money loss), I now don't lend but do give to family when I can.
Much easier on the mind.

Schwarzwald

newatc said:

I agree with Pinkshoes and others. After lending out to various family and friends when younger with probably less than 50% payback (more concerned with the attitude rather than money loss), I now don't lend but do give to family when I can.
Much easier on the mind.

^^ agree with above, the hassle of chasing friends and family is v uncomfortable.

instead of lending her £5k and if you truly value her as a friend, maybe just give her some amount that you can afford to give as a gift and tell her that is it. 

No chasing afterwards needed and the topic is likely closed off while you still supported her one last time.