Separation with kids staying in one home

gussail

Thanks all for your comments and suggestions. Renting looks like the better option so we will likely go for it. I hope we can both maintain the arrangement for the next few months at least, and then will have to do what most of you suggested - sell the family home and buy two properties. Good suggestion reg renting in her name so she starts to build a credit history thanks @TBagpuss

Also to clarify as most of you picked up on that - I said none of us bring any partners to the family home where the kids are, that is the agreement. Neither of us are seeing anyone currently (I believe) but there is definitely no plan to put our lives on hold for the next 9-10 years!

I agree it could only take a couple of instances of beans or bread running out for this to fall apart, but I see no other practical option currently if I was to move away from her asap. If we were to sell the house and buy two smaller properties, surely we're looking at at least a 6 month timeline? And even then, for everything to work out timing wise, I don't see how it can happen other than one of us moving out for a few months anyway.  Any thoughts or experiences from any of you on that please?

gussail

MalMonroe said:

What do your children think? Perhaps the four of you could sit down with them and discuss the situation. They are old enough to have opinions. 

I was hoping not having to do that, but that looks like a very sensible idea. Will be doing it this weekend.

Sea_Shell

If other partners are not currently in the picture, is your house big enough to accommodate you both "living separately" within it, the the medium term?   Like a house share?

Or is that what you're currently doing?

Have you already moved out of the "marital bedroom"?

Spare room, 2 bathrooms?

gussail

Sea_Shell said:

If other partners are not currently in the picture, is your house big enough to accommodate you both "living separately" within it, the the medium term?   Like a house share?

Or is that what you're currently doing?

Have you already moved out of the "marital bedroom"?

Spare room, 2 bathrooms?

Yes, the house is big enough and this is what we have been doing more or less. We don't have everything separated though,  food, laundry is still jointly done.  But I want to get out of this arrangement, it is suffocating. Lots of arguments, shouting and I can't take it any more. It's not fair on kids to be subject to this as well on a regular basis. 

Twixty3

Bad times. Sad times.

Sharing  a house isn’t that much different from living together which is why I think your plan may not work. I do realise that it could possibly work for you both so perhaps  it should at least be tried if it brings some relief from arguments and that. 

Would you perhaps be better renting a house rather than a flat (or a 3 bed flat) so that if one of you wants their own space permanently for the duration of renting a place rather than sharing and swapping so that something is in place to accommodate the children if the sharing does not work. A back up plan? 

Sea_Shell

gussail said:

Sea_Shell said:

If other partners are not currently in the picture, is your house big enough to accommodate you both "living separately" within it, the the medium term?   Like a house share?

Or is that what you're currently doing?

Have you already moved out of the "marital bedroom"?

Spare room, 2 bathrooms?

Yes, the house is big enough and this is what we have been doing more or less. We don't have everything separated though,  food, laundry is still jointly done.  But I want to get out of this arrangement, it is suffocating. Lots of arguments, shouting and I can't take it any more. It's not fair on kids to be subject to this as well on a regular basis. 

TBH, if you're arguing about that now, I think it's unlikely that you won't still argue about it even if you are living "separately" as by sharing a house/flat, being here and there, you would just then have 2 places over which arguments have potential to develop, not just one!   

In a fractious relationship, it's not going to take much for it all to kick off, if on "swap over" day, one of you finds the flat/home not to your liking, over some trivial (in the cold light of day) thing.   Like the mornings dishes left out to dry, and not put away.

Why can't you agree to live by the new "house rules" that you'd want in place for the new share?   Separate all that stuff out now....why wait?

eg. In the proposed "new" arrangement, who'd be responsible for doing all the kids washing...school uniforms etc.   Then do that.

gussail

Twixty3 said:

Bad times. Sad times.

Sharing  a house isn’t that much different from living together which is why I think your plan may not work. I do realise that it could possibly work for you both so perhaps  it should at least be tried if it brings some relief from arguments and that. 

Would you perhaps be better renting a house rather than a flat (or a 3 bed flat) so that if one of you wants their own space permanently for the duration of renting a place rather than sharing and swapping so that something is in place to accommodate the children if the sharing does not work. A back up plan? 

Thank you, I did think about it but I did want the kids' to stay in the same house and not have to move. Apart from the cost of renting a bigger place would be another challenge. We don't have (thankfully) any financial difficulty for the regular day-to-day lives and I don't want to take finances to the limit where that becomes another problem to deal with, or a source of further tension between us.

gussail

Sea_Shell said:

gussail said:

Sea_Shell said:

If other partners are not currently in the picture, is your house big enough to accommodate you both "living separately" within it, the the medium term?   Like a house share?

Or is that what you're currently doing?

Have you already moved out of the "marital bedroom"?

Spare room, 2 bathrooms?

Yes, the house is big enough and this is what we have been doing more or less. We don't have everything separated though,  food, laundry is still jointly done.  But I want to get out of this arrangement, it is suffocating. Lots of arguments, shouting and I can't take it any more. It's not fair on kids to be subject to this as well on a regular basis. 

TBH, if you're arguing about that now, I think it's unlikely that you won't still argue about it even if you are living "separately" as by sharing a house/flat, being here and there, you would just then have 2 places over which arguments have potential to develop, not just one!   

In a fractious relationship, it's not going to take much for it all to kick off, if on "swap over" day, one of you finds the flat/home not to your liking, over some trivial (in the cold light of day) thing.   Like the mornings dishes left out to dry, and not put away.

Why can't you agree to live by the new "house rules" that you'd want in place for the new share?   Separate all that stuff out now....why wait?

eg. In the proposed "new" arrangement, who'd be responsible for doing all the kids washing...school uniforms etc.   Then do that.

We tried separating the stuff, cooking etc. but it's impossible in the current setup as everything is so integrated. For example, there's only one kitchen and that's full of stuff we all need - I don't see the point of keeping two boxes of sugar, tea, coffee, etc. - you see my point? Perhaps I am not thinking it well, so any thoughts on how to do it are welcome. I can't see much separation living under the same roof. And my biggest issue is that the kids must start to feel this is the normal way families live - where mum & dad don't talk or sit in the same room unless it's really necessary. The outside world has no idea it's so bad between us and the wife has no problem continue to feign everything's ok, I find it very hard though to do the same.

Twixty3

The cost is an issue. It is an expensive option. 

Your wife would be entitled to benefits if she is living separately from you and not working and would also be entitled if she works part time, even if she worked full time on a low income she would likely get some benefits may get help with rent.  This could maybe be factored in and would also take some of the strain off you. She would have child maintenance on top of that which is not deducted from benefits.   She must know this.  

She can claim benefits even if you are living separately in the same house so the need for you to pay for everything is reduced.  

On universal credit she would be expected to look for work and I think once the youngest reaches the age of 13 it would have to be full time work or a part time job that pays the equivalent of 35 hrs on the minimum wage I think it is.  She needs a job if she wants independence.  

 

Sea_Shell

gussail said:

Sea_Shell said:

gussail said:

Sea_Shell said:

If other partners are not currently in the picture, is your house big enough to accommodate you both "living separately" within it, the the medium term?   Like a house share?

Or is that what you're currently doing?

Have you already moved out of the "marital bedroom"?

Spare room, 2 bathrooms?

Yes, the house is big enough and this is what we have been doing more or less. We don't have everything separated though,  food, laundry is still jointly done.  But I want to get out of this arrangement, it is suffocating. Lots of arguments, shouting and I can't take it any more. It's not fair on kids to be subject to this as well on a regular basis. 

TBH, if you're arguing about that now, I think it's unlikely that you won't still argue about it even if you are living "separately" as by sharing a house/flat, being here and there, you would just then have 2 places over which arguments have potential to develop, not just one!   

In a fractious relationship, it's not going to take much for it all to kick off, if on "swap over" day, one of you finds the flat/home not to your liking, over some trivial (in the cold light of day) thing.   Like the mornings dishes left out to dry, and not put away.

Why can't you agree to live by the new "house rules" that you'd want in place for the new share?   Separate all that stuff out now....why wait?

eg. In the proposed "new" arrangement, who'd be responsible for doing all the kids washing...school uniforms etc.   Then do that.

We tried separating the stuff, cooking etc. but it's impossible in the current setup as everything is so integrated. For example, there's only one kitchen and that's full of stuff we all need - I don't see the point of keeping two boxes of sugar, tea, coffee, etc. - you see my point? Perhaps I am not thinking it well, so any thoughts on how to do it are welcome. I can't see much separation living under the same roof. And my biggest issue is that the kids must start to feel this is the normal way families live - where mum & dad don't talk or sit in the same room unless it's really necessary. The outside world has no idea it's so bad between us and the wife has no problem continue to feign everything's ok, I find it very hard though to do the same.

I think you do need to start separating this stuff out.   Designated cupboards.  So what if you have to double up, you'll have to if you house swap anyway.

Keep your own stuff in your room if you have too.

Same with washing, do you put your own separate wash loads on?  Towels, bedding etc.?

Yes, it's not the most cost effective way of living, but loads cheaper than running two households.

How are you dividing other chores?  Cleaning etc.  What rota would you have for 2 residences if you "swapped".

Who scrubs the toilets!!? 😉

Plus are you really both going to be satisfied with "living out of suitcases" week in week out with a house swap arrangement.   It seems the worst of both worlds.   Neither of you will feel settled and able to have your own space...as it's still shared space, just not at the same time.