Separation with kids staying in one home

gussail

Hi, need some advice if this is workable or not and what I should be careful about. The relationship with my wife has broken down and we agree to separate after years of delaying it for the kids' sake.  The children are 13 and 9 years old. We have a house with about 20 years remaining in mortgage, which is solely in my name. We are thinking of buying a smaller flat (cash purchase) in wife's sole name, and having an arrangement where I live in that flat 4 days a week (weekdays) and she goes and lives there for Friday to Sunday. Kids stay in the current house with one of us with them so they are not disrupted.  Wife is not working, I am the sole earner. I agree to provide her a maintenance so she could pay her expenses, but need to agree how much. I continue to pay for the mortgage and all other expenses. I can buy the smaller flat in cash with all our savings. How should we document this arrangement? We live like this for next few months and see how it goes before taking next steps. Other option could be to rent rather than buy a similar type of property. Pls advise

Twixty3

I don’t think so. 

Far better for you both to have a place to call your own not swap homes every few days.  You both need independence now.  

The kids will be fine. It’s. A big , bad world out there and they need to learn to navigate it.  So if both parents are involved with their care and there is no ongoing drama all should be fine in the end after the initial upheaval and upset.  Kids often adapt much better than adults.  

Is your wife able to work as spousal maintenance is quite  rare now and usually time limited especially as they may be able to claim benefits.  Spousal maintenance is deducted from benefits so it tends to stop then.  

Any agreed maintenance should include child maintenance which she will likely want as the arrangement is you have them weekends by  the sound of it  so as not to end up to agreeing a figure then be hit with that.
Supporting her until she gets a job is fine. 

You should probably think about whether you want some weekends to yourself from time to time  to do the things you would like to do and maybe have them during the week sometimes too. Every weekend may be a bit restrictive if you work all week so to build in some flexibility may be good.  There are also school holidays and you may like to have them some of the time there too. 

Hopefully you both find an agreement that suits. 

elsien

I agree, swapping places every week isn’t going to work for either of you except in the very short term. You’d be better off selling up and each having your own place with the kids moving between you.
It’s also not fair to your wife to have the kids during the week while you get the fun weekend time. What if she wants to do fun things with them as well, not just the mon-fri chasing for homework and taking to and from school. 

gussail

Thanks for your replies. The arrangement to have her manage the kids during the weekdays is what she is asking for, and it works for me. There will be weeks I believe where we will need to have a different arrangement due to other commitments for either of us. How much do we need to document and how is what I am unclear about. Currently every thing seems to be ok but I am sure there will be issues when we start living per that arrangement. It is only for a short term but things could quickly go wrong I think. 

Longwalker

Actually, if finances are tight, which I imagine they are if you are the only earner, what you are suggesting is a good idea - the kids are uprooted every weekend or every other week come holidays , you can buy a one bedroom flat a lot cheaper then two 3 bedroom accommodations so any spare money can go towards savings, kids universities or upgrading property

This of course will only work if you can maintain a good relationship with each other

I know as a 11 year old, being sent 10 miles to the other house at weekends made it extremely difficult to build on friendships at school and out of school - I was never there 

Longwalker

Sorry I dont know how to edit - thats meant to read  the kids arent uprooted 

SunnyCyprus

One concern that pops in to mind... what happens if/when you or mum start seeing other people?  
Are you happy to accept that you will sleep in a bed that your ex-wife has brought a partner back to? And vice versa. 

Also, who does the housework and laundry, food shopping for each house? 
Maybe the ex brought some beans to eat but you had them with brekkie and didn't replace them? 

I know those examples are extremes and a bit silly, but these things also need thinking of. 

Keeping one home for the children is a grand idea, as long as you parents behave like grown ups. 

I have my own awful experience of a naff break up and saw how that affects children. 

Good luck with your choices!

sheramber

Swopping houses could lead to more arguments.

You need to consider the practicalities.

Do you have different tastes, qualities, ideas?

What if you want to decorate and she doesn't like your choice.

Is one of you tidy and the other untidy?

Do you both like to put things away in the same order?

Will you eat the food already there  or bring your own?

May all seem trivial but can blow up to big arguements.

What you document has to be worked  out between you. There is no  set of rules.

powerspowers

I agree with some of the points raised about sharing the house. Plus I think kids would still be uprooted as parents swapping about. 2 houses at least separates between mums rules and dads rules and stops kids being as trapped in the middle. 

Hope things work out well for all of you. 

Sea_Shell

There was an old (very) long running thread by an old poster who actually did this.   With some success, I think?


I'll try and find the relevant point in the thread and post a link ... I may be some time...😉

Sea_Shell

Here's a link to the relevant start of the "kids stay put" element.

The OP stopped posting in 2020, so we don't know how it unfolded for them.


https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/76705026/#Comment_76705026