Wife doesn't love me anymore - an update

Scorpio33

So its over 4 years since my thread was closed (https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5638552/wife-doesnt-love-me-anymore)

Just thought it would be good to give an update, if only to give some hope to others in dire situations.

So September 2018, my (at the time) wife buys tickets for a band and invites my friend who I have know since I was 10. They go to the gig together in London and stay over. Shortly after, she announces that as the house isn't selling, she is going to move out and rent somewhere, and I can buy her out of the house when I get a new job. A few weeks after this, I get a message that they slept together at the gig (despite me and her still living together) - I told him that he is dead to me (as my oldest friend I though he would be supporting me). I've not spoken to him since.

December 2018, wife moves out.

January 2019 I get offered a new job. The bank then offers me a mortgage so I can buy her out of the house. I keep the house and have my kids 50/50.

March 2019 - I go speed dating and meet someone. Having in effect been single for over a year (since feb 2018), I was cautiously optimistic, but having been burnt before was taking it slow. We both have kids from previous relationships.

2019/20 - I continue dating, but am made redundant again (August 2020). I go onto anxiety tablets (which have really got my head straight). Girlfriend really, really supports me through this time.

December 2020. I start a new job. Decree Nisi applied for

Jan 2021 Decree Nisi obtained.
Feb 2021 Financial consent order (clean break) applied for and signed off by both of us
Sept 2021 Financial consent order approved by courts and Decree absolute obtained

Now this month, she has moved in. I am still in the same job and I am loving life. The job is lower paid, but still a good wage. It allows me to drop the kids off at school and work flexibly or from home when needed for anything for the kids. Things are brilliant with the girlfriend. I can't believe I was stuck in a relationship feeling unloved before. Ok, the girlfriend is not perfect, but who is? I am not a fool in thinking things will be perfect between us forever, but I am still cautiously optimistic.

Is my ex wife still a pain? Well yes, but we rarely talk and when we do it is about the kids and we are civil. We both have left the past in the past and always put the kids first. 

Will the new relationship last forever? Well I am not stupid to assume it will and if things are not good, I am not afraid of standing up for myself if things are bad. I am not scared of leaving a relationship if it is not working for me. But I am hopeful that things carry on as they are for the foreseeable.


So to anyone out there going through a bad time, be it a job or relationship. Things do get better. Just go easy on yourself, lean on people if you need to and don't be afraid to do what is right for YOU.

Jude57

Scorpio33 said:

So its over 4 years since my thread was closed (https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/5638552/wife-doesnt-love-me-anymore)

Just thought it would be good to give an update, if only to give some hope to others in dire situations.

So September 2018, my (at the time) wife buys tickets for a band and invites my friend who I have know since I was 10. They go to the gig together in London and stay over. Shortly after, she announces that as the house isn't selling, she is going to move out and rent somewhere, and I can buy her out of the house when I get a new job. A few weeks after this, I get a message that they slept together at the gig (despite me and her still living together) - I told him that he is dead to me (as my oldest friend I though he would be supporting me). I've not spoken to him since.

December 2018, wife moves out.

January 2019 I get offered a new job. The bank then offers me a mortgage so I can buy her out of the house. I keep the house and have my kids 50/50.

March 2019 - I go speed dating and meet someone. Having in effect been single for over a year (since feb 2018), I was cautiously optimistic, but having been burnt before was taking it slow. We both have kids from previous relationships.

2019/20 - I continue dating, but am made redundant again (August 2020). I go onto anxiety tablets (which have really got my head straight). Girlfriend really, really supports me through this time.

December 2020. I start a new job. Decree Nisi applied for

Jan 2021 Decree Nisi obtained.
Feb 2021 Financial consent order (clean break) applied for and signed off by both of us
Sept 2021 Financial consent order approved by courts and Decree absolute obtained

Now this month, she has moved in. I am still in the same job and I am loving life. The job is lower paid, but still a good wage. It allows me to drop the kids off at school and work flexibly or from home when needed for anything for the kids. Things are brilliant with the girlfriend. I can't believe I was stuck in a relationship feeling unloved before. Ok, the girlfriend is not perfect, but who is? I am not a fool in thinking things will be perfect between us forever, but I am still cautiously optimistic.

Is my ex wife still a pain? Well yes, but we rarely talk and when we do it is about the kids and we are civil. We both have left the past in the past and always put the kids first. 

Will the new relationship last forever? Well I am not stupid to assume it will and if things are not good, I am not afraid of standing up for myself if things are bad. I am not scared of leaving a relationship if it is not working for me. But I am hopeful that things carry on as they are for the foreseeable.


So to anyone out there going through a bad time, be it a job or relationship. Things do get better. Just go easy on yourself, lean on people if you need to and don't be afraid to do what is right for YOU.

What a fantastic update. I remember your original thread and it's very good of you to post your update as, understandably, not many do.

It sounds like things are going well for you and your children and girlfriend, and I wish you all continued happiness in the future.

tacpot12

Well done for posting your update. It should help anyone going through a breakup to realise that life can get better. There's no hope for a relationship where one of the parties doesn't want to make it work, so it's better to breakup and move on, hopefully to better things. 

Hope things continue to improve for you. 

sevenhills

What did you think about what posters said in the original thread?
You discussing it online should have helped you think about your relationship.

MovingForwards

There's always life after a relationship breakup, but it's hard to see it at the time. 

I clung on to try and make it work, but like you as relationship of one isn't good.

After a while I realised I couldn't live like that and set about working on my single life, how I'd get out of debt and what I would do to start over. Believe me when I say I did start everything over. I walked away with nothing but what I could pack in my car, enough money for a few months rent in a shared flat and a few months food money; didn't even have a job when I relocated. I could have had 50% of everything, been debt free and have enough for a home deposit, but it would have been down to me to deal with everything and I'd done that for 21 years.

I saved every penny possible, while paying my debts off. 3.5 years after starting over I was debt free and had my mortgage deposit, I purchased a home just over 2 years ago.

As for relationships, I'm with the first person I dated after splitting with my ex. It was a whirlwind romance, we were quickly engaged, but have the same outlook on life and what we want. There's ups and downs but we support each other; his is MH mine is physical. I tend to be the breadwinner and more often than not he's the househusband. Together we make a great team and play to our strengths, with laughter and jokes, romantic gestures and hugs overcoming everything.

Scorpio33

sevenhills said:

What did you think about what posters said in the original thread?
You discussing it online should have helped you think about your relationship.

I think at the time I was in denial a bit. Some of it helped, but honestly, just writing it down helped me. I have been suicidal, depressed, been in counselling on tablets, but all of this has made me realise a hell of a lot more about myself - why I approach things the way I do, why I naturally behave a certain way, which helps in future relationships. I understand me a lot more. I also know what makes me happy and what I want from a partner.

Looking back at the original thread, I think the thing that stands out is that people were telling me it was already over, which was true, but I didn't want to believe. It is only after she moved out that I began to accept it was all over.

Some of the posters were talking about renting out the house, which just wasn't an option for me and I felt frustrated that I wasn't being listened to here. But I was lucky enough to secure a job and get a mortgage to buy my ex out.

Having been through it all, you do find a lot about yourself (as I said earlier), but you also find out who your true friends are. Many people I thought were close simply paid lip service and when it got tough they were no where to be seen. Equally, those close to me I have felt closer to. It is so freeing now as I can be 100% honest to a lot of people now and just be myself. 

heartbreak_star

Delighted to read this update and glad you're in a happier place. Wishing you well

HBS x

zagfles

Scorpio33 said:

sevenhills said:

What did you think about what posters said in the original thread?
You discussing it online should have helped you think about your relationship.

I think at the time I was in denial a bit. Some of it helped, but honestly, just writing it down helped me. I have been suicidal, depressed, been in counselling on tablets, but all of this has made me realise a hell of a lot more about myself - why I approach things the way I do, why I naturally behave a certain way, which helps in future relationships. I understand me a lot more. I also know what makes me happy and what I want from a partner.

Looking back at the original thread, I think the thing that stands out is that people were telling me it was already over, which was true, but I didn't want to believe. It is only after she moved out that I began to accept it was all over.

Some of the posters were talking about renting out the house, which just wasn't an option for me and I felt frustrated that I wasn't being listened to here. But I was lucky enough to secure a job and get a mortgage to buy my ex out.

Having been through it all, you do find a lot about yourself (as I said earlier), but you also find out who your true friends are. Many people I thought were close simply paid lip service and when it got tough they were no where to be seen. Equally, those close to me I have felt closer to. It is so freeing now as I can be 100% honest to a lot of people now and just be myself. 

Good that you got some value out of posting here even it was mainly just writing it down. And as you said in the other recent thread here on sex life after a baby https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6368179/sex-life-after-having-a-baby#latest there is a tendancy here to always blame the man, the sort of "here's a list of stuff you're probably doing wrong" type replies, so hope you stick around as your experience will be valuable to others particularly men who are going through relationship issues and show them there is light at the end of the tunnel and it really might not be because they're doing everything wrong.

diystarter7

OP, a very inspiring and hopeful post for those that may have, may be going through what you went through 4 years ago.
Wishing you and your loved ones a great future.