How do I tell my depressed husband I've just lost my job?

T.T.D

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

MEM62 said:

JReacher1 said:

Or alternatively lie to him and pretend to go to work every day until you get a new job. 

Absolutely appalling advice.  

It’s not and if you don’t think people do this you’re very naive. 

Ultimately the OP will understand the situation best but if their husband is clinically depressed then news like this could have serious implications. For the husbands sake it may be best to hide this news until the OP is in improved circumstances. 

How horrible, if I discovered my Wife/Partner had hidden this fact from me and it turned out that my current spending (thinking we have surplus funds) made us sink into a hole deeper than it should have been had I known I could have worked hard WITH her to minimise the impact on our finances, during a rough patch for her and I would have felt disgusted robbed and cheated by her, robbed of the fact she thought it was best to hide away an important fact and cheated us both out of money that could have been saved and now we have to struggle. 

Not to mention it will have a larger impact on BOTH their mental health if she see’s him spending like like they have surplus and then discovering she’d been faking working and lying and scheming introducing a sleuth of trust issues to the relationship, if someone can hide being made redundant then what else can they hide and lie about right? And then longer term financial issues and stresses ontop of inter personal partner trust issues!

It’s grounds for divorce, reason to walk away from a relationship, really bad advice!  

Whilst he maybe struggling with with mental health condition, it’s best to be open, yes he’s going to worry about it! But it give’s him the option to help in his own way, be a loving husband and support you whilst your supporting him, the OP can prepare herself for possible reactions and counter them with calmer ways and calmer logical simple answers that can ease him into this shock and change.

I wouldn’t advise that the OP acts as though she still has a job and carries going to “work” for 8 hours a day, it states a lot about you and your mindset though, that you would think this ok and justify it when called on it, why on earth would think this something that is OK to do it goes beyond my comprehension. Wrong plain wrong.

You are not aware of the husbands current state of mind so your advice of honesty is the best policy although well meaning could be incredibly dangerous.  

He’s clinically depressed. Hopefully it won’t but bad news like this could seriously impact his mental health. 

In an ideal world honesty would be the right solution but there is nothing wrong with hiding bad news if the purpose of it is to protect a vulnerable person. 

My advice would mean the husband didn’t know until the OP’s work situation improved. Your advice could potentially lead to the husband having a serious mental breakdown. 

The fact the OP is really worried about telling their husband is a bit of a red flag. 

Your approach is so stereotypical, don’t tell him he could do something to harm himself! 

I understand the OP’s position, from my own experiences, having been severely clinically depressed and suffering from a combination of MH diagnoses, losing a dream job from it also, what kept me feeling close to others was honesty and openness and inclusion from those I loved, I couldn’t deal with people skirting round my feelings and treating me like some fragile freak show it made me feel untrustworthy and emotionally incapable that made my depression worse, many in my therapy group would say the same, the hurt from people close to me treating me with kid gloves was making me worse and life intolerable, I’m not going lye! difficult news always made things feel worse in-the-moment, but having someone close to me and reassure me ground me and say everything was ok and would be fine, would ease most of the panic and turn illogical to logical with just an ounce of support to digest the information and process it.

 I always wanted to help other people to help myself, I found it therapeutic, if someone like my partner came up to me and said look were in this situation but you’ve got a good head on your shoulders your fantastic at finding the good stuff and I know you’d want to be included on us doing this together, I love you and trust you that we can do this and turn this around in no time and have little impact on our finances, we have decent savings, and if we cut back on Amazon spending and few other things we can manage fine for a few months, but what I need at the moment is your love your good eye for spotting things your love and assistance to get me out there and get another dream job, heck I would be would be all over it! 

If I found out that my wife or partner treated me like you suggested like pretending to go to work, when she wasn’t, it would trigger a much more deeper ingrained distrust, it would introduce distrust, where has she been if she hasn’t been to work, is she having an affair, who else knows before I did, who helped her cover it up, and that could lead to pushing away close ones and a support network, plus guilt at having self indulged in things that I couldn’t afford, in turn would trigger a more sever bout of being clinically depressed and have spiralling thoughts of more negativity, I could cause a split up break up or divorce and that stress alone could put much more negative thoughts on a person feeling isolated already. 

There’s ways to tactfully approach this situation. 

And whilst I’m not in his mindset, having been there, I can tell you it would destroy him having found out his own wife couldn’t trust him and pretended to go to work, lying to him, keeping him in a false sense of what is actually reality, treating him dumb with important information due to his clinical depression will cause him to spiral into a negative thought pattern that could push the bounds of his will power to want to get help and recover or if he finds out later and she has a new job spiral and set him back and that’s what makes your suggestion ever so dangerous.  

Sorry to hear about your previous struggle with MH.  It is a horrible thing to go throw.

Sadly thought it is not one size fits all and although your advice is well meaning neither of us know what the impact will be of sharing this news to the OP's husbands.  Just because you would be destroyed by your wife lying to you then it doesn't mean the OP's husband would feel the same.

It is dangerous to apply your own experiences onto other people with mental health issues.  

You don’t see the danger in your advise at all you still try to justify lying is justifiable if it causes someone else less pain due to MH. 

It’s not OK to lie to someone to cover up for the fact they have lost their job and it may cause someone distress because their clinically depressed, but it’s simply wrong to let someone live in a false sense of what is normality when in fact things are quite harder than it seems, it’s not justifiable like you perceive it to be, it is plain wrong.

Your right one size doesn’t fit all, but I talk from experience sitting in hundreds of hours of group therapies where the consensus has been the same lying to protect causes more harm, it causes problems in the strongest and sanest of relationships.

I admire your confidence but you don't know the OP's husband's personal situation so it is impossible to know how he will handle the news..  People do lie to protect vulnerable people and although ideally it is not the preferred option sometimes it is the only safe option.

Lets all hope that whatever the OP decides to do that they both get through this together.

And neither do you! 

But I do know that outright acting to go to work  and lying in any situation for a day or long term MH involved or not is a horrible way to deal with overcoming telling someone they have lost their job. 

Your suggestion isn’t about glossing over a something for a few hours or day or two whilst things like support from support workers or GP or seeking a charities advice and then putting that advise in place to soften the blow, your talking about being FAKE, lying and scheming to pull something like this off to your partner/wife potentially damaging the very foundation of trust that relationships are built on. 

This isn’t Eastenders this is real life. 

The reason this advise frustrates me so is because I have been on the receiving end of people treating me like I’m a an atomic bomb waiting to go at any moment and having been lied to to “handle me”, it’s not fun and has the opposite effect of what people are trying to achieve.

If you actually read my post you will see I offered two pieces of advice.  One to tell their husband but in a positive manner sharing confidence that they can both get through it and my second piece of advice which was to hide it from him until the situation improved.  

Despite not knowing the OP or the husband you seem 100% confident that he will take this bad news well.  You are basing this on your own personal experience which although relevant for you may not be relevant here.  I therefore strongly believe that your advice is ill advised and dangerous.  Neither of us know what the right thing is for the OP so we should offer advice but not try and claim that someone else's advice is better or worse than yours.

I should also point out the OP is already lying (by omission) to their husband by not telling them they're about to lose their job. 

I’ve proffered nothing to be accepted as gospel.

I’ve pointed out that your advice places a more dangerous outcome for various reasons due to experience. 

No the OP hasn’t lied to him she’s been struggling with ways in which to tell her partner some painful news and procrastinating on how to do it hence her post. 

I’m a 100% for telling him tactfully ASAP and then supporting him through it as she seeks support from him, in sickness and in health is it not? 

Unbelievable! 

Scorpio33

To be fair, the thread title is "HOW do I tell my depressed husband I've just lost my job?"

So I don't think the OP has any intention of hiding things or not telling him.

Its more about how to tell him in a way that will be the easiest for them both.


I think no matter what path is chosen, he will find out eventually, and the fall out of that depends upon (a) His mind set, but also (b) how honest she has been, which reflects on their relationship.

If he is really depressed, then she needs to tread carefully. But also their relationship needs to be strong to help him through this, which can only come with honesty.

JReacher1

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

MEM62 said:

JReacher1 said:

Or alternatively lie to him and pretend to go to work every day until you get a new job. 

Absolutely appalling advice.  

It’s not and if you don’t think people do this you’re very naive. 

Ultimately the OP will understand the situation best but if their husband is clinically depressed then news like this could have serious implications. For the husbands sake it may be best to hide this news until the OP is in improved circumstances. 

How horrible, if I discovered my Wife/Partner had hidden this fact from me and it turned out that my current spending (thinking we have surplus funds) made us sink into a hole deeper than it should have been had I known I could have worked hard WITH her to minimise the impact on our finances, during a rough patch for her and I would have felt disgusted robbed and cheated by her, robbed of the fact she thought it was best to hide away an important fact and cheated us both out of money that could have been saved and now we have to struggle. 

Not to mention it will have a larger impact on BOTH their mental health if she see’s him spending like like they have surplus and then discovering she’d been faking working and lying and scheming introducing a sleuth of trust issues to the relationship, if someone can hide being made redundant then what else can they hide and lie about right? And then longer term financial issues and stresses ontop of inter personal partner trust issues!

It’s grounds for divorce, reason to walk away from a relationship, really bad advice!  

Whilst he maybe struggling with with mental health condition, it’s best to be open, yes he’s going to worry about it! But it give’s him the option to help in his own way, be a loving husband and support you whilst your supporting him, the OP can prepare herself for possible reactions and counter them with calmer ways and calmer logical simple answers that can ease him into this shock and change.

I wouldn’t advise that the OP acts as though she still has a job and carries going to “work” for 8 hours a day, it states a lot about you and your mindset though, that you would think this ok and justify it when called on it, why on earth would think this something that is OK to do it goes beyond my comprehension. Wrong plain wrong.

You are not aware of the husbands current state of mind so your advice of honesty is the best policy although well meaning could be incredibly dangerous.  

He’s clinically depressed. Hopefully it won’t but bad news like this could seriously impact his mental health. 

In an ideal world honesty would be the right solution but there is nothing wrong with hiding bad news if the purpose of it is to protect a vulnerable person. 

My advice would mean the husband didn’t know until the OP’s work situation improved. Your advice could potentially lead to the husband having a serious mental breakdown. 

The fact the OP is really worried about telling their husband is a bit of a red flag. 

Your approach is so stereotypical, don’t tell him he could do something to harm himself! 

I understand the OP’s position, from my own experiences, having been severely clinically depressed and suffering from a combination of MH diagnoses, losing a dream job from it also, what kept me feeling close to others was honesty and openness and inclusion from those I loved, I couldn’t deal with people skirting round my feelings and treating me like some fragile freak show it made me feel untrustworthy and emotionally incapable that made my depression worse, many in my therapy group would say the same, the hurt from people close to me treating me with kid gloves was making me worse and life intolerable, I’m not going lye! difficult news always made things feel worse in-the-moment, but having someone close to me and reassure me ground me and say everything was ok and would be fine, would ease most of the panic and turn illogical to logical with just an ounce of support to digest the information and process it.

 I always wanted to help other people to help myself, I found it therapeutic, if someone like my partner came up to me and said look were in this situation but you’ve got a good head on your shoulders your fantastic at finding the good stuff and I know you’d want to be included on us doing this together, I love you and trust you that we can do this and turn this around in no time and have little impact on our finances, we have decent savings, and if we cut back on Amazon spending and few other things we can manage fine for a few months, but what I need at the moment is your love your good eye for spotting things your love and assistance to get me out there and get another dream job, heck I would be would be all over it! 

If I found out that my wife or partner treated me like you suggested like pretending to go to work, when she wasn’t, it would trigger a much more deeper ingrained distrust, it would introduce distrust, where has she been if she hasn’t been to work, is she having an affair, who else knows before I did, who helped her cover it up, and that could lead to pushing away close ones and a support network, plus guilt at having self indulged in things that I couldn’t afford, in turn would trigger a more sever bout of being clinically depressed and have spiralling thoughts of more negativity, I could cause a split up break up or divorce and that stress alone could put much more negative thoughts on a person feeling isolated already. 

There’s ways to tactfully approach this situation. 

And whilst I’m not in his mindset, having been there, I can tell you it would destroy him having found out his own wife couldn’t trust him and pretended to go to work, lying to him, keeping him in a false sense of what is actually reality, treating him dumb with important information due to his clinical depression will cause him to spiral into a negative thought pattern that could push the bounds of his will power to want to get help and recover or if he finds out later and she has a new job spiral and set him back and that’s what makes your suggestion ever so dangerous.  

Sorry to hear about your previous struggle with MH.  It is a horrible thing to go throw.

Sadly thought it is not one size fits all and although your advice is well meaning neither of us know what the impact will be of sharing this news to the OP's husbands.  Just because you would be destroyed by your wife lying to you then it doesn't mean the OP's husband would feel the same.

It is dangerous to apply your own experiences onto other people with mental health issues.  

You don’t see the danger in your advise at all you still try to justify lying is justifiable if it causes someone else less pain due to MH. 

It’s not OK to lie to someone to cover up for the fact they have lost their job and it may cause someone distress because their clinically depressed, but it’s simply wrong to let someone live in a false sense of what is normality when in fact things are quite harder than it seems, it’s not justifiable like you perceive it to be, it is plain wrong.

Your right one size doesn’t fit all, but I talk from experience sitting in hundreds of hours of group therapies where the consensus has been the same lying to protect causes more harm, it causes problems in the strongest and sanest of relationships.

I admire your confidence but you don't know the OP's husband's personal situation so it is impossible to know how he will handle the news..  People do lie to protect vulnerable people and although ideally it is not the preferred option sometimes it is the only safe option.

Lets all hope that whatever the OP decides to do that they both get through this together.

And neither do you! 

But I do know that outright acting to go to work  and lying in any situation for a day or long term MH involved or not is a horrible way to deal with overcoming telling someone they have lost their job. 

Your suggestion isn’t about glossing over a something for a few hours or day or two whilst things like support from support workers or GP or seeking a charities advice and then putting that advise in place to soften the blow, your talking about being FAKE, lying and scheming to pull something like this off to your partner/wife potentially damaging the very foundation of trust that relationships are built on. 

This isn’t Eastenders this is real life. 

The reason this advise frustrates me so is because I have been on the receiving end of people treating me like I’m a an atomic bomb waiting to go at any moment and having been lied to to “handle me”, it’s not fun and has the opposite effect of what people are trying to achieve.

If you actually read my post you will see I offered two pieces of advice.  One to tell their husband but in a positive manner sharing confidence that they can both get through it and my second piece of advice which was to hide it from him until the situation improved.  

Despite not knowing the OP or the husband you seem 100% confident that he will take this bad news well.  You are basing this on your own personal experience which although relevant for you may not be relevant here.  I therefore strongly believe that your advice is ill advised and dangerous.  Neither of us know what the right thing is for the OP so we should offer advice but not try and claim that someone else's advice is better or worse than yours.

I should also point out the OP is already lying (by omission) to their husband by not telling them they're about to lose their job. 

I’ve proffered nothing to be accepted as gospel.

I’ve pointed out that your advice places a more dangerous outcome for various reasons due to experience. 

No the OP hasn’t lied to him she’s been struggling with ways in which to tell her partner some painful news and procrastinating on how to do it hence her post. 

I’m a 100% for telling him tactfully ASAP and then supporting him through it as she seeks support from him, in sickness and in health is it not? 

Unbelievable! 

Going back to the marriage vows is a slightly weak argument😃

I don’t think you’re experience is that relevant. As said previously you’re just applying what happened in your situation with what is happening to the OP. As I’ve said before that is incredibly dangerous. 

diystarter7

Honesty is the best policy. No one likes being lied to.

T.T.D

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

MEM62 said:

JReacher1 said:

Or alternatively lie to him and pretend to go to work every day until you get a new job. 

Absolutely appalling advice.  

It’s not and if you don’t think people do this you’re very naive. 

Ultimately the OP will understand the situation best but if their husband is clinically depressed then news like this could have serious implications. For the husbands sake it may be best to hide this news until the OP is in improved circumstances. 

How horrible, if I discovered my Wife/Partner had hidden this fact from me and it turned out that my current spending (thinking we have surplus funds) made us sink into a hole deeper than it should have been had I known I could have worked hard WITH her to minimise the impact on our finances, during a rough patch for her and I would have felt disgusted robbed and cheated by her, robbed of the fact she thought it was best to hide away an important fact and cheated us both out of money that could have been saved and now we have to struggle. 

Not to mention it will have a larger impact on BOTH their mental health if she see’s him spending like like they have surplus and then discovering she’d been faking working and lying and scheming introducing a sleuth of trust issues to the relationship, if someone can hide being made redundant then what else can they hide and lie about right? And then longer term financial issues and stresses ontop of inter personal partner trust issues!

It’s grounds for divorce, reason to walk away from a relationship, really bad advice!  

Whilst he maybe struggling with with mental health condition, it’s best to be open, yes he’s going to worry about it! But it give’s him the option to help in his own way, be a loving husband and support you whilst your supporting him, the OP can prepare herself for possible reactions and counter them with calmer ways and calmer logical simple answers that can ease him into this shock and change.

I wouldn’t advise that the OP acts as though she still has a job and carries going to “work” for 8 hours a day, it states a lot about you and your mindset though, that you would think this ok and justify it when called on it, why on earth would think this something that is OK to do it goes beyond my comprehension. Wrong plain wrong.

You are not aware of the husbands current state of mind so your advice of honesty is the best policy although well meaning could be incredibly dangerous.  

He’s clinically depressed. Hopefully it won’t but bad news like this could seriously impact his mental health. 

In an ideal world honesty would be the right solution but there is nothing wrong with hiding bad news if the purpose of it is to protect a vulnerable person. 

My advice would mean the husband didn’t know until the OP’s work situation improved. Your advice could potentially lead to the husband having a serious mental breakdown. 

The fact the OP is really worried about telling their husband is a bit of a red flag. 

Your approach is so stereotypical, don’t tell him he could do something to harm himself! 

I understand the OP’s position, from my own experiences, having been severely clinically depressed and suffering from a combination of MH diagnoses, losing a dream job from it also, what kept me feeling close to others was honesty and openness and inclusion from those I loved, I couldn’t deal with people skirting round my feelings and treating me like some fragile freak show it made me feel untrustworthy and emotionally incapable that made my depression worse, many in my therapy group would say the same, the hurt from people close to me treating me with kid gloves was making me worse and life intolerable, I’m not going lye! difficult news always made things feel worse in-the-moment, but having someone close to me and reassure me ground me and say everything was ok and would be fine, would ease most of the panic and turn illogical to logical with just an ounce of support to digest the information and process it.

 I always wanted to help other people to help myself, I found it therapeutic, if someone like my partner came up to me and said look were in this situation but you’ve got a good head on your shoulders your fantastic at finding the good stuff and I know you’d want to be included on us doing this together, I love you and trust you that we can do this and turn this around in no time and have little impact on our finances, we have decent savings, and if we cut back on Amazon spending and few other things we can manage fine for a few months, but what I need at the moment is your love your good eye for spotting things your love and assistance to get me out there and get another dream job, heck I would be would be all over it! 

If I found out that my wife or partner treated me like you suggested like pretending to go to work, when she wasn’t, it would trigger a much more deeper ingrained distrust, it would introduce distrust, where has she been if she hasn’t been to work, is she having an affair, who else knows before I did, who helped her cover it up, and that could lead to pushing away close ones and a support network, plus guilt at having self indulged in things that I couldn’t afford, in turn would trigger a more sever bout of being clinically depressed and have spiralling thoughts of more negativity, I could cause a split up break up or divorce and that stress alone could put much more negative thoughts on a person feeling isolated already. 

There’s ways to tactfully approach this situation. 

And whilst I’m not in his mindset, having been there, I can tell you it would destroy him having found out his own wife couldn’t trust him and pretended to go to work, lying to him, keeping him in a false sense of what is actually reality, treating him dumb with important information due to his clinical depression will cause him to spiral into a negative thought pattern that could push the bounds of his will power to want to get help and recover or if he finds out later and she has a new job spiral and set him back and that’s what makes your suggestion ever so dangerous.  

Sorry to hear about your previous struggle with MH.  It is a horrible thing to go throw.

Sadly thought it is not one size fits all and although your advice is well meaning neither of us know what the impact will be of sharing this news to the OP's husbands.  Just because you would be destroyed by your wife lying to you then it doesn't mean the OP's husband would feel the same.

It is dangerous to apply your own experiences onto other people with mental health issues.  

You don’t see the danger in your advise at all you still try to justify lying is justifiable if it causes someone else less pain due to MH. 

It’s not OK to lie to someone to cover up for the fact they have lost their job and it may cause someone distress because their clinically depressed, but it’s simply wrong to let someone live in a false sense of what is normality when in fact things are quite harder than it seems, it’s not justifiable like you perceive it to be, it is plain wrong.

Your right one size doesn’t fit all, but I talk from experience sitting in hundreds of hours of group therapies where the consensus has been the same lying to protect causes more harm, it causes problems in the strongest and sanest of relationships.

I admire your confidence but you don't know the OP's husband's personal situation so it is impossible to know how he will handle the news..  People do lie to protect vulnerable people and although ideally it is not the preferred option sometimes it is the only safe option.

Lets all hope that whatever the OP decides to do that they both get through this together.

And neither do you! 

But I do know that outright acting to go to work  and lying in any situation for a day or long term MH involved or not is a horrible way to deal with overcoming telling someone they have lost their job. 

Your suggestion isn’t about glossing over a something for a few hours or day or two whilst things like support from support workers or GP or seeking a charities advice and then putting that advise in place to soften the blow, your talking about being FAKE, lying and scheming to pull something like this off to your partner/wife potentially damaging the very foundation of trust that relationships are built on. 

This isn’t Eastenders this is real life. 

The reason this advise frustrates me so is because I have been on the receiving end of people treating me like I’m a an atomic bomb waiting to go at any moment and having been lied to to “handle me”, it’s not fun and has the opposite effect of what people are trying to achieve.

If you actually read my post you will see I offered two pieces of advice.  One to tell their husband but in a positive manner sharing confidence that they can both get through it and my second piece of advice which was to hide it from him until the situation improved.  

Despite not knowing the OP or the husband you seem 100% confident that he will take this bad news well.  You are basing this on your own personal experience which although relevant for you may not be relevant here.  I therefore strongly believe that your advice is ill advised and dangerous.  Neither of us know what the right thing is for the OP so we should offer advice but not try and claim that someone else's advice is better or worse than yours.

I should also point out the OP is already lying (by omission) to their husband by not telling them they're about to lose their job. 

I’ve proffered nothing to be accepted as gospel.

I’ve pointed out that your advice places a more dangerous outcome for various reasons due to experience. 

No the OP hasn’t lied to him she’s been struggling with ways in which to tell her partner some painful news and procrastinating on how to do it hence her post. 

I’m a 100% for telling him tactfully ASAP and then supporting him through it as she seeks support from him, in sickness and in health is it not? 

Unbelievable! 

Going back to the marriage vows is a slightly weak argument😃

I don’t think you’re experience is that relevant. As said previously you’re just applying what happened in your situation with what is happening to the OP. As I’ve said before that is incredibly dangerous. 

I don’t really care whether you thinks it relevant or not that’s down the OP, your advice is incredibly dangerous that’s a fact. 

Sea_Shell

The way you two are bickering the OP will probably never come back!!

T.T.D

Sea_Shell said:

The way you two are bickering the OP will probably never come back!!

It’s ending there, I have nothing more to say.

JReacher1

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

T.T.D said:

JReacher1 said:

MEM62 said:

JReacher1 said:

Or alternatively lie to him and pretend to go to work every day until you get a new job. 

Absolutely appalling advice.  

It’s not and if you don’t think people do this you’re very naive. 

Ultimately the OP will understand the situation best but if their husband is clinically depressed then news like this could have serious implications. For the husbands sake it may be best to hide this news until the OP is in improved circumstances. 

How horrible, if I discovered my Wife/Partner had hidden this fact from me and it turned out that my current spending (thinking we have surplus funds) made us sink into a hole deeper than it should have been had I known I could have worked hard WITH her to minimise the impact on our finances, during a rough patch for her and I would have felt disgusted robbed and cheated by her, robbed of the fact she thought it was best to hide away an important fact and cheated us both out of money that could have been saved and now we have to struggle. 

Not to mention it will have a larger impact on BOTH their mental health if she see’s him spending like like they have surplus and then discovering she’d been faking working and lying and scheming introducing a sleuth of trust issues to the relationship, if someone can hide being made redundant then what else can they hide and lie about right? And then longer term financial issues and stresses ontop of inter personal partner trust issues!

It’s grounds for divorce, reason to walk away from a relationship, really bad advice!  

Whilst he maybe struggling with with mental health condition, it’s best to be open, yes he’s going to worry about it! But it give’s him the option to help in his own way, be a loving husband and support you whilst your supporting him, the OP can prepare herself for possible reactions and counter them with calmer ways and calmer logical simple answers that can ease him into this shock and change.

I wouldn’t advise that the OP acts as though she still has a job and carries going to “work” for 8 hours a day, it states a lot about you and your mindset though, that you would think this ok and justify it when called on it, why on earth would think this something that is OK to do it goes beyond my comprehension. Wrong plain wrong.

You are not aware of the husbands current state of mind so your advice of honesty is the best policy although well meaning could be incredibly dangerous.  

He’s clinically depressed. Hopefully it won’t but bad news like this could seriously impact his mental health. 

In an ideal world honesty would be the right solution but there is nothing wrong with hiding bad news if the purpose of it is to protect a vulnerable person. 

My advice would mean the husband didn’t know until the OP’s work situation improved. Your advice could potentially lead to the husband having a serious mental breakdown. 

The fact the OP is really worried about telling their husband is a bit of a red flag. 

Your approach is so stereotypical, don’t tell him he could do something to harm himself! 

I understand the OP’s position, from my own experiences, having been severely clinically depressed and suffering from a combination of MH diagnoses, losing a dream job from it also, what kept me feeling close to others was honesty and openness and inclusion from those I loved, I couldn’t deal with people skirting round my feelings and treating me like some fragile freak show it made me feel untrustworthy and emotionally incapable that made my depression worse, many in my therapy group would say the same, the hurt from people close to me treating me with kid gloves was making me worse and life intolerable, I’m not going lye! difficult news always made things feel worse in-the-moment, but having someone close to me and reassure me ground me and say everything was ok and would be fine, would ease most of the panic and turn illogical to logical with just an ounce of support to digest the information and process it.

 I always wanted to help other people to help myself, I found it therapeutic, if someone like my partner came up to me and said look were in this situation but you’ve got a good head on your shoulders your fantastic at finding the good stuff and I know you’d want to be included on us doing this together, I love you and trust you that we can do this and turn this around in no time and have little impact on our finances, we have decent savings, and if we cut back on Amazon spending and few other things we can manage fine for a few months, but what I need at the moment is your love your good eye for spotting things your love and assistance to get me out there and get another dream job, heck I would be would be all over it! 

If I found out that my wife or partner treated me like you suggested like pretending to go to work, when she wasn’t, it would trigger a much more deeper ingrained distrust, it would introduce distrust, where has she been if she hasn’t been to work, is she having an affair, who else knows before I did, who helped her cover it up, and that could lead to pushing away close ones and a support network, plus guilt at having self indulged in things that I couldn’t afford, in turn would trigger a more sever bout of being clinically depressed and have spiralling thoughts of more negativity, I could cause a split up break up or divorce and that stress alone could put much more negative thoughts on a person feeling isolated already. 

There’s ways to tactfully approach this situation. 

And whilst I’m not in his mindset, having been there, I can tell you it would destroy him having found out his own wife couldn’t trust him and pretended to go to work, lying to him, keeping him in a false sense of what is actually reality, treating him dumb with important information due to his clinical depression will cause him to spiral into a negative thought pattern that could push the bounds of his will power to want to get help and recover or if he finds out later and she has a new job spiral and set him back and that’s what makes your suggestion ever so dangerous.  

Sorry to hear about your previous struggle with MH.  It is a horrible thing to go throw.

Sadly thought it is not one size fits all and although your advice is well meaning neither of us know what the impact will be of sharing this news to the OP's husbands.  Just because you would be destroyed by your wife lying to you then it doesn't mean the OP's husband would feel the same.

It is dangerous to apply your own experiences onto other people with mental health issues.  

You don’t see the danger in your advise at all you still try to justify lying is justifiable if it causes someone else less pain due to MH. 

It’s not OK to lie to someone to cover up for the fact they have lost their job and it may cause someone distress because their clinically depressed, but it’s simply wrong to let someone live in a false sense of what is normality when in fact things are quite harder than it seems, it’s not justifiable like you perceive it to be, it is plain wrong.

Your right one size doesn’t fit all, but I talk from experience sitting in hundreds of hours of group therapies where the consensus has been the same lying to protect causes more harm, it causes problems in the strongest and sanest of relationships.

I admire your confidence but you don't know the OP's husband's personal situation so it is impossible to know how he will handle the news..  People do lie to protect vulnerable people and although ideally it is not the preferred option sometimes it is the only safe option.

Lets all hope that whatever the OP decides to do that they both get through this together.

And neither do you! 

But I do know that outright acting to go to work  and lying in any situation for a day or long term MH involved or not is a horrible way to deal with overcoming telling someone they have lost their job. 

Your suggestion isn’t about glossing over a something for a few hours or day or two whilst things like support from support workers or GP or seeking a charities advice and then putting that advise in place to soften the blow, your talking about being FAKE, lying and scheming to pull something like this off to your partner/wife potentially damaging the very foundation of trust that relationships are built on. 

This isn’t Eastenders this is real life. 

The reason this advise frustrates me so is because I have been on the receiving end of people treating me like I’m a an atomic bomb waiting to go at any moment and having been lied to to “handle me”, it’s not fun and has the opposite effect of what people are trying to achieve.

If you actually read my post you will see I offered two pieces of advice.  One to tell their husband but in a positive manner sharing confidence that they can both get through it and my second piece of advice which was to hide it from him until the situation improved.  

Despite not knowing the OP or the husband you seem 100% confident that he will take this bad news well.  You are basing this on your own personal experience which although relevant for you may not be relevant here.  I therefore strongly believe that your advice is ill advised and dangerous.  Neither of us know what the right thing is for the OP so we should offer advice but not try and claim that someone else's advice is better or worse than yours.

I should also point out the OP is already lying (by omission) to their husband by not telling them they're about to lose their job. 

I’ve proffered nothing to be accepted as gospel.

I’ve pointed out that your advice places a more dangerous outcome for various reasons due to experience. 

No the OP hasn’t lied to him she’s been struggling with ways in which to tell her partner some painful news and procrastinating on how to do it hence her post. 

I’m a 100% for telling him tactfully ASAP and then supporting him through it as she seeks support from him, in sickness and in health is it not? 

Unbelievable! 

Going back to the marriage vows is a slightly weak argument😃

I don’t think you’re experience is that relevant. As said previously you’re just applying what happened in your situation with what is happening to the OP. As I’ve said before that is incredibly dangerous. 

I don’t really care whether you thinks it relevant or not that’s down the OP, your advice is incredibly dangerous that’s a fact. 

It’s your opinion not a fact. You want to look up the difference 😉

prowla

Hi, Honey - we're going to be able to spend some more time together!

(Flippancy aside; I hope it works out.)