Looking for Help - Relationship / Recovering Alcoholic 7 June 2022 at 3:27PM in Marriage, relationships & families 8 replies 532 views

Needing_Help

Good afternoon! As the title says, I'm looking for some advice please. Basically I'm a recovering alcoholic, sober 5 months, and my relationship is starting to unravel, if it hasn't pretty much already. I am an active member of AA and am currently working through my steps with my sponsor, and I have requested that I am breathalysed by my employer, which they have been doing, each time negative. I've been with my fiancee for just over two years and we lived together at her house for just over a year, but after treatment she didn't want me to come straight back, which is understandable so I firstly moved into supported accommodation then with my parents until I found somewhere myself, and now I'm in a house-share. At the moment I don't know where my relationship is, or isn't, as she's basically ghosting me - we've seen each other twice in the last two months and both times have been great, but afterwards we've argued, sometimes because I feel resentful that she's living in comfort in a very nice house and has got our cats, but when we see each other she comes up with all sorts of things she wants me to do with the house.

I'm looking for help with two things:

Firstly, how can I go about making amends with her, apologising to her and proving to her that I'm sober? As we rarely see each other I can't prove it in person and we don't speak very often at the moment. Is time a good healer? I'm taking some small positive that she hasn't told me to come and get my things and move out permanently, and she says there's the possibility of going back later in the year if I stay sober. 

Secondly, if we split up, where do I stand financially, am I able to recoup any of my contributions? How would I go about getting my furniture back? Whilst the mortgage is wholly in her name, for the year or so that we were living together I was paying half the mortgage, with a bank transfer stating 'Mortgage Contribution'. I have also paid-off just under £10k of her debts and spent around another £7k on home improvements, such as built-in wardrobes, patio, security system etc. that she could not afford. Also, with the exception of two sofas and one bed, all of the furniture in the house is mine.

I love my fiancee dearly and hate myself for the lies I've told, the hurt I've caused and what I've put her through. If I could turn back the clock I would, but I've got to live with what I've done and I wish that we could be together.

Thank you very much and I'm looking forwards to your advice and suggestions.

[Deleted User]

Hi, no real advice but didn’t want to read and run. Huge congratulations on being sober for 5 months. I’m married to a recovering alcoholic, he put me through unbelievable hell whilst drinking and I have hated him at times for his appalling behaviour. It’s hard to describe how bloody awful it was, he’s sober now, 3 years, and we are still together, part of me always worries he will drink again though. It is so hard being in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Savvy_Sue

I don't think you can prove you're sober, and I'm not sure I'd try.

However: have you told your fiancee what you've told us? Have you talked about the future? 

This isn't a conversation you can tack on to the end of a date. This IS the date.

HampshireH

Well done on your recovery.

In terms of your girl friend I think you need to look at why you aren't seeing each other

Address that first. If you are sober then why aren't you seeing each other evenings/weekends?

Is it both parties being lazy towards making an effort or is it one person choosing to do other things with their time?

If the latter then what is that person avoiding?

Once you estaish why you aren't seeing each other (root cause) then you need to talk.

If you split go get all your stuff because you won't get your money back.

breaking_free

Congrats on 5 months sober.

My ex managed an entire 3 weeks and spent a lot of that time telling me that I should get over his past bad behaviour and forgive him already. When I made it clear that I couldn't forgive and forget as quickly as that he relapsed straightaway and of course blamed my lack of immediate forgiveness for making him drink.

If you are putting any, and I mean ANY subtle pressure on your fiancee to forgive you it will probably cause resentment. Think about how long she put up with your alcoholism, then give her the same amount of time to get over it. x

sheramber

Maybe sit down with her and ask her how she sees your future together.

How can you both move forward.?

Where does she see it going?

BrassicWoman

Have you discussed with your sponsor? This seems to be an "I want" rather than a "she needs" post - I do not think you are there yet.

TripleH

Well done on your progress.

Why not look to start the relationship afresh.

Maybe you come over to visit during the day and go home at night.

Are there activities you can do together that don't involve drinking?

Going for walks in the country, new hobbies?

I think its a matter of building trust again (as said above). You need to show there is life without alcohol and it can be fun for both of you.

You also need to show you can manage life without alcohol when you're surrounded by others who are drinking especially in the 'old normal situation' and this can be quite depressing. Your fiancee may be worried she has to change her setup to fit you, when it's you with the issue not her (as she may see it).

I used to have periods whenI didn't drink because I decided not to and I realised drunk people can be incredibly annoying when you're sober. You need a way to deal with this if you haven't already got a plan.

Sapindus

Needing_Help said:

I love my fiancee dearly and hate myself for the lies I've told, the hurt I've caused and what I've put her through.

Don't hate yourself.  You have taken some huge steps and you are doing brilliantly.  I'm no expert but I'd guess getting through this stage is an important part of the AA process.