Should I ask for maintenance payments?

HampshireH

OP owns the house and Ex owns the flat. According to the first post.

No idea why OP would need to contribute to his mortgage. He isn't paying hers why should she pay his?

OP - your short on funds but giving him thousands. The two are not compatible and suggest to Ex hat you have money to give away.

Stop giving him cash. He needs to take responsibility. If that means he cannot afford to see his kids then that's his choice to make. Personally I would see that as him getting his priorities very wrong but as a grown adult he is making that choice.

I would hold out for any money from the flat. It's taking two years to sell in a good strong market because it isn't being actively marketed/the occupant doesn't wish you sell. Also rent would probably be even more expensive.

Sometimes you have to accept you can only do so much for someone, perhaps you're at that point?

See how he behaves when you cut the supply of money. I think you will see he doesn't contribute to school uniforms or swimming.

WYSPECIAL

If the flat isn’t in his name and you’re not married then you won’t be entitled to any of the proceeds if it is ever sold.

He has no incentive to deal with his debts or sell the flat  in the current situation and is unlikely to do so.

If CMS rate would be circa £500 per month Andy he also has private health care it sounds as if he has a decent job.

Prioritise your kids and apply to CMS and get the correct amount of maintenance they are entitled to. He may possibly get a wake up call and face his debts so ultimately you will be helping him.

Emlulo

You’re probably right.. I’m likely being far too trusting

RAS

WYSPECIAL said:

If the flat isn’t in his name and you’re not married then you won’t be entitled to any of the proceeds if it is ever sold.

I think we need to clarify in whose names the two properties are registered? and the relationship?

Are the OP and ex married or not?

Is the flat in the ex's sole name as suggested by the OP's first post?  And the house in her sole name?

If they aren't married and the OP isn't on the flat deeds, then any thought that she might get some pay-out if and when it's sold is wishful thinking.

And there's no chance that the ex can claim anything from the house.

If they are married, they are joint assets to be dealt with by the financial settlement.

Either way, is looks like the only way the OP is going to get any financial support for the children is to contact CMS.

I would give it one last chance.

Write/email (evidence needed) to the ex and advise that the OP will not be making any further contributions to the ex's living costs (including cars) and that unless he sets up a standing order paying a sum of money (maybe a bit less than CMS) within 6 weeks, she will go to the CMS.  And if he fails to pay the agreed sum at any point she will go to the CMS to ensure that the children are supported.

It's all very well being nice to ensure that he maintains a good relationship with the children, but he can have a good relationship with the children and pay for their keep as well. That's down to him wanting a good relationship not about the OP bending over backwards whatever he demands.

And it's not healthy long-term for the children to go out with dad and be bought all sorts of tat, and to live with mum who covers their living costs but can't afford treats. It really doesn't set up a good understanding of gender roles or parental responsibilities.

Emlulo

RAS said:

WYSPECIAL said:

If the flat isn’t in his name and you’re not married then you won’t be entitled to any of the proceeds if it is ever sold.

I think we need to clarify in whose names the two properties are registered? and the relationship?

Are the OP and ex married or not?

Is the flat in the ex's sole name as suggested by the OP's first post?  And the house in her sole name?

If they aren't married and the OP isn't on the flat deeds, then any thought that she might get some pay-out if and when it's sold is wishful thinking.

And there's no chance that the ex can claim anything from the house.

If they are married, they are joint assets to be dealt with by the financial settlement.

Either way, is looks like the only way the OP is going to get any financial support for the children is to contact CMS.

I would give it one last chance.

Write/email (evidence needed) to the ex and advise that the OP will not be making any further contributions to the ex's living costs (including cars) and that unless he sets up a standing order paying a sum of money (maybe a bit less than CMS) within 6 weeks, she will go to the CMS.  And if he fails to pay the agreed sum at any point she will go to the CMS to ensure that the children are supported.

It's all very well being nice to ensure that he maintains a good relationship with the children, but he can have a good relationship with the children and pay for their keep as well. That's down to him wanting a good relationship not about the OP bending over backwards whatever he demands.

And it's not healthy long-term for the children to go out with dad and be bought all sorts of tat, and to live with mum who covers their living costs but can't afford treats. It really doesn't set up a good understanding of gender roles or parental responsibilities.

The flat is in his sole name. When we bought it I wasn’t working, I was staying at home to look after our then two year old and I was pregnant with our second baby. I couldn’t go on the mortgage for those reasons, and so the flat was in his name. I paid the full deposit from an inheritance from my grandparents, however. I had to legally gift that money to him. I paid for all nursery fees once I did go back to work four years ago (£2k a month at that time for two full time places), plus food bills and all clothing etc for the kids. He paid the mortgage (£1k), plus the bills (another £600). So I was paying more, just legally towards the flat.

I bought the house in my name alone, using a gift from my parents as deposit. He has no claim in this house whatsoever, but I do have a financial claim in the flat. I’ve got him to put in writing that he will still give me a proportion of the flat, if it has to go to a legal decision, but what I can’t do is make him sell it. Also, I don’t really want to incur solicitors fees etc to fight him for my share. 

We aren’t and have never been married.

I was planning to only ask him for a smaller an oh but than the CMS would take (I would be due -£600 pm through them, but was planning on asking far less. I just don’t want to drown him in debt or him to end up homes less or some other horrid outcome.

WYSPECIAL

RAS said:

WYSPECIAL said:

If the flat isn’t in his name and you’re not married then you won’t be entitled to any of the proceeds if it is ever sold.

I think we need to clarify in whose names the two properties are registered? and the relationship?

Are the OP and ex married or not?

Is the flat in the ex's sole name as suggested by the OP's first post?  And the house in her sole name?

If they aren't married and the OP isn't on the flat deeds, then any thought that she might get some pay-out if and when it's sold is wishful thinking.

And there's no chance that the ex can claim anything from the house.

If they are married, they are joint assets to be dealt with by the financial settlement.

Either way, is looks like the only way the OP is going to get any financial support for the children is to contact CMS.

I would give it one last chance.

Write/email (evidence needed) to the ex and advise that the OP will not be making any further contributions to the ex's living costs (including cars) and that unless he sets up a standing order paying a sum of money (maybe a bit less than CMS) within 6 weeks, she will go to the CMS.  And if he fails to pay the agreed sum at any point she will go to the CMS to ensure that the children are supported.

It's all very well being nice to ensure that he maintains a good relationship with the children, but he can have a good relationship with the children and pay for their keep as well. That's down to him wanting a good relationship not about the OP bending over backwards whatever he demands.

And it's not healthy long-term for the children to go out with dad and be bought all sorts of tat, and to live with mum who covers their living costs but can't afford treats. It really doesn't set up a good understanding of gender roles or parental responsibilities.

Typo on my part. Meant IS not ISN'T. That's auto complete for you!

WYSPECIAL

Emlulo said:

RAS said:

WYSPECIAL said:

If the flat isn’t in his name and you’re not married then you won’t be entitled to any of the proceeds if it is ever sold.

I think we need to clarify in whose names the two properties are registered? and the relationship?

Are the OP and ex married or not?

Is the flat in the ex's sole name as suggested by the OP's first post?  And the house in her sole name?

If they aren't married and the OP isn't on the flat deeds, then any thought that she might get some pay-out if and when it's sold is wishful thinking.

And there's no chance that the ex can claim anything from the house.

If they are married, they are joint assets to be dealt with by the financial settlement.

Either way, is looks like the only way the OP is going to get any financial support for the children is to contact CMS.

I would give it one last chance.

Write/email (evidence needed) to the ex and advise that the OP will not be making any further contributions to the ex's living costs (including cars) and that unless he sets up a standing order paying a sum of money (maybe a bit less than CMS) within 6 weeks, she will go to the CMS.  And if he fails to pay the agreed sum at any point she will go to the CMS to ensure that the children are supported.

It's all very well being nice to ensure that he maintains a good relationship with the children, but he can have a good relationship with the children and pay for their keep as well. That's down to him wanting a good relationship not about the OP bending over backwards whatever he demands.

And it's not healthy long-term for the children to go out with dad and be bought all sorts of tat, and to live with mum who covers their living costs but can't afford treats. It really doesn't set up a good understanding of gender roles or parental responsibilities.

The flat is in his sole name. When we bought it I wasn’t working, I was staying at home to look after our then two year old and I was pregnant with our second baby. I couldn’t go on the mortgage for those reasons, and so the flat was in his name. I paid the full deposit from an inheritance from my grandparents, however. I had to legally gift that money to him. I paid for all nursery fees once I did go back to work four years ago (£2k a month at that time for two full time places), plus food bills and all clothing etc for the kids. He paid the mortgage (£1k), plus the bills (another £600). So I was paying more, just legally towards the flat.

I bought the house in my name alone, using a gift from my parents as deposit. He has no claim in this house whatsoever, but I do have a financial claim in the flat. I’ve got him to put in writing that he will still give me a proportion of the flat, if it has to go to a legal decision, but what I can’t do is make him sell it. Also, I don’t really want to incur solicitors fees etc to fight him for my share. 

We aren’t and have never been married.

I was planning to only ask him for a smaller an oh but than the CMS would take (I would be due -£600 pm through them, but was planning on asking far less. I just don’t want to drown him in debt or him to end up homes less or some other horrid outcome.

If you legally gifted him the money how do you have a claim over the flat that is in his sole name?

 What is the nature of the written document you have that states he will give you a proportion of the proceeds from the sale of the flat?

WhiskersTheWonderCat

Honestly, you are giving him way too much compassion and leniency, which he does not seem to reciprocate. Is the relationship between you both completely over and done with? 

If the flat is entirely in his name, do not pay anything towards the mortgage on it. He may swear to you that he will split the proceeds of an eventual sale, but in years and years down the line, when he's moved on, maybe married with new children, I would be stunned if you ever see a penny of it. 

I would also recommend not giving him more money or loans. You say he spends irresponsibly and that "it's everybody else's fault and never his", but he will continue to feel that way because everybody around him (you, and his parents) keep bailing him out and writing off his debts. He needs to take responsibility for once in his life. 

I would go down the route of getting an official CM judgement against his wages. He spends irresponsibly, won't work extra hours (the Saturdays you mentioned) to better his situation, and has a habit of getting people to waive his debts. If you simply ask him for maintenance/payments towards items, I worry that he will continue to give you a sob story as to why he can't this time. He will spend the money first, and think of the consequences later (when he cannot pay for such and such). You are too soft on him, and he knows how to manipulate your compassion ("my financial situation", "I need a car to see the kids"). If you get a proper CM judgement, then he will not be able to avoid responsibility any more, and will have to seriously look at ways to improve his situation. It is the best thing not only for you and your children, but for him too. 

Ms_Chocaholic

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but how is it your house if he owns it and it is in his sole name.

Emlulo

Ms_Chocaholic said:

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but how is it your house if he owns it and it is in his sole name.

I own my own house, the flat we used to live in is in his name solely as I was a stay at home mum when we bought it