Spiralling debt 8 April 2022 at 9:22AM in Debt free diaries 3 replies 372 views

Paintmunk

1st marriage broke due to domestic violence and the debt building started from there. It spiralled now and it's come to £35k. Being on maternity leave doesn't help nor my current husband who hates debt. So can't share my problem with husband. He pays the mortgage but I pay all other bills, grocery, child maintenance, insurance, holidays,  etc which I really can't afford. He expects me to pay for things even though he knows I am on maternity pay. He hardly spends any money. 
It's been the case since I met him which led me to use credit cards and it spiralled to my current debt amount. 

I hope this forum will give some moral support to help me see the other side of it. I really want to come out of this debt. 

puckishpixie

Hi Paintmunk,

Firstly it sounds like you need to have a serious discussion with your current husband about the equitable division of the bills. If you are going into debt to keep up with 'your bills' the current process isn't working and probably wasn't even before your maternity leave. If there is a vast difference between your incomes or depending on what your mortgage balance is you might be paying more. As I know that my mortgage is probably 30-50% of all the other bills that your mention.

TBH I'm not a fan of 'our' money mindset although it works for other people. However considering having a discussion about a joint account where all the household bills (which will probably include the childcare cost once your maternity leave finishes) come out of it and that you both pay into to depending on the split of household income but keep the rest of your money separate so if between you the household income is 50k he earn 30k and you 20k then he contributes 60% of the monthly required amount and you 40%.

Once you get to the point where you are not paying more out than what you receive then you can work on your debt but you cannot bail out a sinking boat.

sunshine_raincloud

Hello Paintmunk, 

I am sorry that you have found yourself in this position but well done on posting here as it can be the first (and often most daunting!) step to getting started and getting things sorted. You will find a very supportive community here. How old is your little one? 

Often people spend a bit of time working on a statement of affairs (SOA) which goes into detail about where all the household money is going and what debts you have, if you feel comfortable posting or just filling it in for yourself so you know exactly what the situation is. 

I agree that if you feel like you can and it would be helpful to do so maybe you should discuss with your husband and let him know you are struggling to keep up with what you are paying and see if you can make the split fairer so you aren't struggling so much? Have you got anyone else you feel able to talk to about this? 

You're not alone in managing your debt. Lots of people here in similar positions. 

Take care of yourself!

WinterWarrior

Some good suggestions here. It does seem as though you have leapt from domestic violence into financial control ☹️ It’s really easy done, but you need to stand up for yourself. I’m another that doesn’t find ‘our money’ works for me, but you do need to make sure the split is fair or you’ll never be able to get to that debt free position you fully deserve. Good luck.