Dealing with resentment

jennystarpepper

Maybe you need to talk to him and give him X amount of time and then decide what you want to do going forward, you cannot continue to  put up with it, think about what your next step in improving your own life will be.

It appears very unfair for  your children who are doing jobs and he is not lifting a finger.

Could you consider not cooking, doing laundry for him, or as Tbagpuss suggested don't arrange / plan anything for his family if you do?  Does he have a car, do you arrange / manage the insurance, maybe this needs to stop?  Start handing things over to him that will make things difficult for him and not you or your children.

I understand you say he is a good person, but treating you this way is not good, no tips for accepting your treatment / how he is because it should not be happening.  I think you are already starting to make yourself ill because of his lack of responsibility / help and this is not healthy for you or your children.   It must be very upsetting for you when he accepts what he is dong but still carries on.  It can't be good for you if you are blowing up over things, it must be upsetting if you are not being listened to. 

Wyndham

Different people see household chores in different ways. For example, my partner has a 'level of mess' that they are comfortable with around the house. Unfortunately, so do I, and mine is always reached first.

I find that I do most of the 'thinking', so for example even though we have an evening meal EVERY DAY, it's usually me that says 'what shall we have?' followed by 'what about x?', and it feels as if even having the conversation each time comes as a surprise! But, he will then shop for ingredients - so long as there is a list which I have to help write!! Though he has got better over time, so there is hope?

In your case, I wonder if as part of the baby steps - which is probably the way to go - you need to 'assign tasks'. Taking the days out idea, could you try 'It would be good to have a day out this weekend, but I don't have time to think about it, so could you take that on?'. Get agreement that he will. But then (and this is important) whatever he comes up with, be positive about it. OK, it's not what you might do, may not be your first choice, but you get further with a carrot than a stick. And over time, it should improve.

But, you maybe also need to accept that he's not going to do the 'thinking' part naturally. Some people just don't. Quite what they do if they live alone, I'm really not sure!

Good luck.

Savvy_Sue

Ah, the mental load - and I'll say something about days out. 

Yes, suggest he plans the next one. But you may need to prepare a list of what needs to come out with you - for example for a day on the beach, he'd need to ensure everyone had swimwear, a towel, sunhat and flipflops or whatever you have for the beach. But he'll also need the picnic, sun protection cream - and I can't think what else. Now, you only prepare that list once, but HE does the ticking off. 

The teenagers can probably sort themselves out, plus whatever they need to entertain themselves in the car, but the youngest may need help initially. 

For going on holiday, I had an age appropriate packing list for each person, including DH - underwear, tops, bottoms, swim stuff, sunhat, books, sponge bag, teddy bear, medication, inhaler. Everyone gets their own list, and prepares their own heap of 'stuff', they may have their own bag to put it in - now I'll tell you that the first time I didn't CHECK everyone's heap, DS1 spent a week with only one pair of trousers, at an age where they were usually filthy within 10 minutes, but after THAT he was always well equipped. There's an initial mental load, but after that it's down to them - including DH! "Where are my swimming trunks?" "I don't know darling, did you pack them?" 

I hope he changes. I hope he realises you're worn out by looking after 5 children, not 4. But you may have to train him alongside the youngest ... 

TripleH

We have assigned duties. My wife has the hoovering and I get the litter trays.

A lot of jobs we share.

She annoys me immensely because she leaves you kitchen counters messy (doesn't like them so can't be bothered) and leaves the house a mess when watering plants.

I am sure I do things that annoy her.