Dealing with resentment

SameOldRoundabout

Any tips please? 

I love my partner very much. We’ve been together nearly 10 years, most of which we’ve been happy overall. 

But, for all of those years, resentment has been building up in me for his lack of pulling his weight. I am naturally very tidy and organised, he is the opposite. It’s now at the stage where I am blowing up over the smallest things and feel genuine hate in those moments even though I love him, like he’s a burden to me. He leaves stuff anywhere, ie a bag of firefighters just in the middle of the floor for 2 days instead of in the cupboard they live in, *8 steps away*

We have 4 children, and I am the one who does everything. The entire mental load is upon me, as well as 80% of the housework. I organise all the appointments (and go to them), remember birthdays and prescriptions and insurances, I sort all the finances, I meal plan, shop and do most of the cooking. I plan the holidays and come up with ideas for days out, then organise them. 

I didn’t mind so much when I was a stay at home parent, but I now work full time too. In fact, my job is more complicated and stressful than his, but annoyingly also more flexible with times and hours, so it’s still me who juggles childcare and appointments every single time. 

I don’t even want or need him to do 50%. I can carry the majority, but he cannot even keep his side of the bed tidy or put away his clean washing. He acknowledges his faults and accepts responsibility and promises to do better, which he does, for about 3 days and then it slips again. He is a good person, he doesn’t WANT to put it all on me he just only seems to think on a surface level. I am left to actually take all the responsibility for 6 lives plus pets. 

It seems so unfair, that he gets away with putting it all on me, even if it is unwittingly. I am run off my feet. I frankly feel used. Even though I know he doesn’t mean to and can’t help being naturally disorganised. His apologies are just sneered at by me now as I know they won’t change anything. 

Can anyone give me some tips of either how to accept this situation for the sake of an otherwise very happy relationship, or alternatively how to actually get him to make permanent changes?! I’ve tried letting his mess build up, but it makes no odds! 

SameOldRoundabout

Just to clarify….it was a bag of fireLighters, if it was firefighters they might have been useful 😂

Also, I do ask him to do things. For example yesterday I asked him to pop into the supermarket at lunch for some garlic cheese. I got a video call for me to show him where the garlic cheese is. It’s honestly just easier to do it myself most of the time! 

TBagpuss

You might find it helpful to sit down together with a family therapist or counsellor to try to talk about this, and in particular what a big issue it s for you.

It may be that there are some elements that he could deal with, and some that you could let go. For instance, you don't have to remember or organise things for birthdays etc. on his side of the family. You can let him remember, or not. 

Does he manage routines and tasks at work? What techniques does house to remember those? Would he manage better if he has a fixed timetable or list each fay / week?

Are there things that you can let go - for instance, if you stop planning days out it may be that you end up going out less, it may be that he winds up arranging things but they may be more last minute and less organised. 

But I think the starting point is a serious conversation with him where you do make very clear that right now, you are foing the vast majority of both the practical work and the emotional labour, and that he needs to step up, and that includes working out his own ways of  remembering and organising himself, as if you have manage it for him, e.g. by remining him, giving him tasks etc, you are still doing that emotional and organisational labour.

However, you will need to recognise that he may not do things the same way as you  and to accept that if it is his turn to (say) shop / cook   that the results may well be different to what they would be if it was you doing it .

This assumes, of course, that he is willing to take some responsibility and to try to achieve a more equitable split. If not, then you will not be able to force him to pull his weight, and will have to re-evaluate the relationship and decide whether the positives outweigh the negatives, including the negative of what that would say about his level of consideration for you and your happiness. 


Also - you don't mention how old your children are but it's also worth thinking about how much you do for them, and how much you can start to get them to do. It's perfectly reasonable for children to be responsible for putting away their own stuff, and to be expected to help with general family / household things, in an age appropriate way, for instance.

But step one is a serious conversation with your partner when you make it very clear how serious this is and that the current situation is not tenable, and you may find that having the assistance of a professional to help you focus and (ideally) have a constructive conversation rather than an argument or barrage or accusations, is the most productive way to achieve that.  

Sea_Shell

Strike action is called for!!!    

Just stop doing 90% of it, and see how bad it gets!

SameOldRoundabout

Thank you Bagpuss. 

The children are teenagers except the little one who is 5. The older boys all have a job to do each day (hoover, wipe down the bathroom sinks etc) and are expected to keep their own room reasonably tidy or they can’t have their gaming time. So yes I suppose some days they end up doing more to help than my partner! 

We’ve had conversations, so many, we have tried having a whiteboard, we have a shared note on our phones for meal suggestions etc but I am the only one who uses it. 

I think the idea of trying to talk about ways he could remember to do jobs without being nagged is a good one. This issue tends to be one that is not mentioned until something tips me over the edge (ie I can’t work our kitchen bin so he has to change it and last week I had asked him 4 times but it hadn’t been done so there was a carrier bag of rubbish on the floor by it in the end I must say I did lose my sh*T a bit then). I did say to him last night I feel like adding “nag partner” to my chore list as that’s all it is, just something else I need to do. 

I also think possibly we would benefit from a little outside intervention, but I don’t even know how to start with that, how do you even find someone?! 

bouicca21

Small steps.  Obviously have the conversation, but follow up.  Pick a task and stop doing it.  Video call to find the cheese?  Simples, you should have told him to find it himself or ask staff. 

You have some responsibility for the way he is.  Whether you meant to or not you have facilitated the creation of a man-baby.  Forcing him to grow up is going to take a lot of effort and time.

CookieMonster

So you want to change him after 10 years of knowing and accepting who he is?
Good luck with that.

Hire a cleaner, send out your ironing, get the shopping delivered.

comeandgo

My first husband was like yours.  I found that any love I had for him diminished each and every time I had to do something to tidy up after him, or to arrange yet again things he should have done.  I got to thinking if he loved and respected me he would do those things, I would not need to .  It felt like I was his mother, he was just another child to look after.
I left him, and my new husband, while he is not totally perfect, I can cope with his shortcomings and not feel used and angry.  

Mojisola

CookieMonster said:

So you want to change him after 10 years of knowing and accepting who he is?
Good luck with that.

The OP did the bulk of the house chores and childcare because because she was a stay at home parent and he was working full-time.

She is now working full-time as well as still doing all the other work.

If he doesn't care enough about his partner to see that the situation is completely unfair, it doesn't say much for the relationship.

Pollycat

He's getting away with it because you're letting him get away with it.
My first husband and I both worked full time but I still did most of the housework and shopping.
He used to take his white collar work shirts off inside out.
So I started ironing them inside out.
It was still work for me but it also involved him having to re-iron them.
It didn't take him long to change.

I have the same conversation with my sister about her almost grown up kids.
"They don't do X because you do it for them."

topcat105

My ex couldn't be bothered to take his muddy rugby kit out of his bag and put it in the laundry basket.
So after a few weeks I just left it in the bag so it was still dirty when he came to put it on a week later.
He used to use cereal and put the empty box back in the cupboard instead of the bin.
These and a lot of other things are the reason he is my ex !!
Why do women put up with this !!!!!! ?