Dilemma (long, sorry)

muddlingmywaythrough

So a bit of background.....I have a sister a few years younger than me and we've never really got on, for different reasons which I won't bore you with.

About 12 years ago she moved miles away from our home town (where my mum still lives) with her boyfriend and said she wanted to have a bit of an adventure before moving back closer to home and (I presume) settling down with her boyfriend. I did mention to my mum at the time that I would be surprised if she came back but my mum was adamant that she would be back (because that what she had told her) and my mum thought it would probably be after a couple of years.

To cut a long story short, my sister moved, then parted ways with the boyfriend after about a year to 18 months. It became clear (to me at least) that she had no intention of returning, partly because she'd made a new life where she was. My mum still believed she would return. My sister then basically cut my mum off (she also borrowed money off our dad, then said she couldn't pay him back and wouldn't return his phone calls) for no apparent reason. My mum send birthday cards, Xmas cards, text messages, emails, you name it. All weren't responded to. She then out of the blue rang my mum to say she was with a new boyfriend and was pregnant. My mum delicately asked how she felt about it (my sister has always been adamant she didn't want kids) at which point my sister put the phone down on my mum. My mum was very upset as she had no address for her and her further calls went unanswered. My brother then tracked my sister down online after finding her new boyfriend (I have no idea how he did this). My brother messaged to ask how our sister was, was she ok etc and he was blocked by the boyfriend. My sister has a history of telling a lot of lies etc, something which really came to light after she'd moved (for my mum at least, I'd always known but kept quiet for mum's sake) so we have no way of knowing what she's said. It was all really odd and we have no way of knowing if she had the baby. For the last few years my mum has been broken hearted but has slowly come to accept that my sister has cut us all off. In all this time my mum's contact details (address, email address, phone number) has remained the same and my sister has all these details as well as my address. My mum said recently that she wants to put it all behind her and can't deal with the stress of it anymore. She said she'll always love my sister but can't forgive her and feels happier without her in her life. 

So.....a couple of days ago, while looking for something else online, I found a post from my sister (dated 6 months ago) on an online forum asking if anyone had any contact details for my mum and that she's been trying to find her for "a very long time". Apart from being a big shock to read this, it also doesn't make sense as no contact details have changed for my mum since my sister last saw her/spoke to her so she has numerous ways to find her.

I'm in a complete dilemma as to what to do. Do I tell my mum and possibly cause her a lot more pain or keep quiet? 

lincroft1710

Keep quiet. 


Your sister does not appear to be telling the truth or she has an exceptionally bad memory. I think it would only upset your mother if she found out her daughter can't remember where she lived! And your mother seems to have accepted that her daughter does not want her in her life.

Pollycat

Could your sister have lost contact details for your Mum?
If the answer is 'no', ignore it.

pinkshoes

Perhaps your sister has MH issues and deleted the contact details?

Could you reply to the post from 6 months ago asking her to send you a message if she still wants/needs the details?

I wouldn't say anything to your mum until you establish whether your sister genuinely wants to have contact.

elsien

Ignore it. She has numerous ways of making contact if she really wishes,  not just directly with your mum but also via you, your brother, the extended family. She can’t have forgotten where all of you live. 

BrassicWoman

respond to the post with an address. don't get mum's hopes up.

MEM62

BrassicWoman said:

respond to the post with an address. don't get mum's hopes up.

Probably the wisest course of action.  

Jude57

If your mum has, to all intents and purposes, come to terms with not having your sister in her life, I'd be very wary of opening that particular can of worms. Only you can know if this is likely, but could your sister have posted that in order to gain sympathy from other posters? If she's as manipulative as she sounds, is it possible that the post wasn't made as a genuine plea for help 'finding' your mother but more for her own purposes, which you may never know. As for forgetting where your mother lives, I've moved around a great deal in my life but can remember every address I've ever lived in, back to birth. So barring a traumatic brain injury, I'm not buying that your sister has forgotten.

I've recently seen a post online from a former friend, bemoaning the loss of my friendship, not naming me but anyone who knows us both would recognise it was me she was talking about. She posted that she has no idea why I disappeared from her life and how she'd done nothing to deserve it. Lots of sympathetic responses ensued, including telling her she was better off without me. She may well be but I certainly am better off emotionally without her and I have no regrets about that, because the truth is very different to what she posted.

It's an odd thing about estrangement. I'd had no contact with my mother since 1981, for reasons I won't get into here, suffice to say, she should never have had children. The intervening years have been spent hoping neither she nor my older half-siblings ever found me, and I've taken deliberate steps to prevent that. I recently signed up for a free trial of a genealogy site and discovered that my mother died in 1990. I didn't (and don't) feel sad but it has been strange to find out that the thing I feared most couldn't have happened and that I've declined opportunities in my life and career that would have put me in the public spotlight because of that fear. My decision entirely of course, but one I'm coming to terms with. Her shadow fell over my entire life and I could have been free of it so long ago.

OP only you can know the impact having your sister back in your mother's (and your) life might have. It's a thankless position to be in because you might be damned if you do and damned if you don't. My personal view is that it would be entirely reasonable, if you haven't told anyone else, to forget you saw that post, never think of it again and move on with your life. Others may disagree.

I wish you well whatever you decide.

TBagpuss

OP, what a difficult situation - it did cross my mind that your sister might have been involved in an abusive relationship with someone who made it hard for her to maintain contact , it does happen and is more common than you might think.

However , if your mum hasn't moved then even if that were the case, it would not be difficult for her to get back in touch once the relationship ended.

If you are 100% certain that the forum post is her, then respond by saying something like "She is still at the same address and with the same phone number as she was when you left, and is in the phone book,* but if you have forgotten the details let me know and I will remind you of the address" 


like others, I find it hard to believe that someone would not be able to remember the address, but some people do seem to find that kind of thing much harder than others so I would not totally rule out the possibility that she can't remember - and of curse it's also possible if she was in abusive relationship that she may have been led to believe that your mum had moved away, and while you'd think she would check if she wanted to find her, people aren't always very sensible! 

(*assuming this is true) 

I would not mention it to your mum. If your sister responds then she can approach your mu directly , if she doesn't then you've done what you can to give your sister the tools to get back in touch, and it saves hurting your mum any more. 

muddlingmywaythrough

Thank you so much for all the really helpful replies. I have told my brother about the post and asked his advice and he was going to try and gauge how mum is about it all without saying why. He's not going to tell her about the post I found. Having thought about it all though I have said that I think it would be better to keep quiet about it all and not tell mum. Even he said that our sister knows where mum lives so there's nothing stopping her visiting if it means that much.

Spendless

"it also doesn't make sense as no contact details have changed for my mum since my sister last saw her/spoke to her so she has numerous ways to find her".

Does this mean that your Mum had the same address/contact details for a long time before you sister lost touch (or even did sis live at same house herself?) or not for all that long before last time sis was in touch with her? If the latter it's possible your sister is being truthful. My Mum has been estranged from her brother for over 20 years. I couldn't tell you the address my Uncle was at the last time we were in touch. I know the name of the street and the side of the road it's on but not the number (long road goes into several hundreds for door numbers) despite me having visited on numerous occasions from my teens until my early 30s. 

And I agree she could have been told your Mum had moved and believed it. Some people say strange things. My MIL was once told her ex sis-in-law had died (pre social media days). Roll on a few years, MIL is visiting her home town and bumps into said sis-in-law in a shop! 

I'd agree with answering the post, she's still at the same address/same contact details. Contact me if you need them.