Aging father - How to Handle

goodwithsaving

Hello MSE'ers. 

I haven't been on here in a while, it has been a whirlwind few months, however I could do with some advice.

I relocated to offer Mum support with my aging Dad. I moved close by, took on a new job and went through the upheaval of changing life again. However, since I moved a few things have happened and I am deeply miserable.

- My Dad has become increasingly argumentative, difficult and unpleasant
- He is very self-absorbed, tight, and won't wash. 
- He is increasingly unpleasant towards my mum, who does absolutely everything for him. He even asks if she would like to go 'halves' in the supermarket on the weekly shop (after 40 years marriage)
- He complains if I don't visit every day, yet I work full time. I consciously do not visit every day.
- Mum recently had a hospital stay and Dad expected me to do everything around work; before, lunchtime, after. I was broken after a week. I worry that if mum passes away first (in good health currently), that will become my life. He is not physically unable to do things for himself.

His health has been declining and he has had a few falls which has knocked his confidence, however there is no cerebral cause for the change in behaviour (all tests done). These are traits always held, but more pronounced in recent years. I cannot reason with him and he won't change, so please don't suggest having a heart-to-heart. There have been many over the years. My siblings do not have much to do with him and have not done for a few years.

I am the youngest and unfortunately do feel a sense of obligation (not cultural). I also like to keep an eye on mum / give her a different face to see.

What do I do?

Savvy_Sue

Just because someone expects you to do something doesn't mean you have to do it.

Just because you feel a sense of obligation doesn't mean you have to act on it.

No-one's suggesting this will be easy, but you can't change your father's behaviour, only your own.

tealady

Agree with Savvy_Sue.
If your dad complains you do not visit every day just let it wash over your head. You need to live your own life otherwise it will drag you down.
Not washing could be a sign of depression, might be worth taking your mum out on her own for a chat, see if she can get gp or social services involved.
If the worst should happen and your dad be on his own then it's time for him to accept professional care. Tell your dad you are not his carer, but he can pay for one.  That sounds harsh I know, done a bit of part time caring myself and found it tiring both mentally and physically.

london21

It is really hard when someone you love changes so much.

You have to create boundaries.

You will have to fill your cup, otherwise will affect you also in the long run.

Tough love it will have to be if no other way.

Might have to outsource your father's care to some extent and communicate with your mother also for suggestions. 

Savvy_Sue

More good advice there, but ...

Thinking some more, the heart to heart you need is with your mum, and maybe your siblings. You say they don't have much to do with your Dad, are they still in touch with mum?

I'd take Mum out for the day - Mothering Sunday is coming up, perfect excuse. Meet up with your siblings if possible. Tell mum how worried you are, ask if she wants help - either with living with Dad, or with leaving him. Because she also has choices, and what I said in my first post applies to her as well as you.

CookieMonster

Speak to a medical professional?

I've seen some of the items (listed by the OP as changes) in an elderly man who was later diagnosed with depression.
Talking with him won't work.
Professional help and even medication may be needed,  perhaps a carer visiting daily to help with hygiene etc.

[Deleted User]

Sorry to hear this @goodwithsaving. How old is your Dad out of interest? I'm struggling with the thought of this creeping up with my parents now particularly to do with my Dad. My parents have been married for 60+ years since their teens and my Mum keeps my Dad in check and they balance each other. I've suddenly seen my Dad age significantly within the last couple of years and this includes mood as well as health and I know he drives my Mum crazy a lot of the time. Currently our situation is nowhere near as difficult as yours but I see it getting to a similar place. I'm the youngest and equally feel that obligation (don't get me wrong - I adore both my parents and they deserve all the help, love and support in the world). 

TBagpuss

It sounds as though things are difficult - what I would suggest is that you remind yourself that you just because others (whether it is your father or siblings) expect you to do something, does not mean that you have to do it or that you are unreasonable or a bad person (or bad 'child') for not doing it.

So perhaps start by thinking what level of help you can realistically and comfortably provide, and start to set some boundaries.

This might involve talking to your mum to let her know what you are and aren't willing / able to do. You mention that having a heart to heart with your dad won't work and I am sure that you are right, but that doesn't mean that you can't tell him what you can and can't do - your aim is not to reason with him or to convince him that your boundaries are appropriate, but simply to inform him - so you are not aiming to get him to see that it's unreasonable to expect you to visit every day, it's simply that you are telling him that is not going to happen. You don't have to justify it, although the first time you tell him it may be sensible to give some very brief reasons

e.g. "Dad, I just want to be clear that I am not going to be visiting the house every day. I have a full time job and other commitments. I will usually be able to visit once or twice a week.  I won't be able to do everything for you, so you and mum are going to need to work out whether you will need other support, and start looking into how you can access that"

Then moving forward, if he brings it up, you can have a stock response  - maybe "Dad, I explained this before. I can't visit every day. That's not going to change, and I'm not going to discuss it again" 

Can you talk separately to your mum? Make clear to her what you can and can't do, and also that you will not be able to fo more - if you think she needs more help, either due to her own needs, or to your dad's demands, you could ask her whether she would like you to help research what might be available, either through benefits / social services or on a private paid for basis (if the latter, can your parents afford help, and is there a chance that your other siblings would be willing to help, for instance to have someone come to help with cleaning, or to help your dad in order to give your mum a break, for example) 

Maybe make arrangements to take your mum out on her own so she gets a bit of a break from your dad and you get to spend some time with her (if you get in the habit of taking her out one a week or so it would also let you keep a bt of an eye on whether she is coping and, and to repeat offers of helping her to access support if / when she needs it. 


If your mum were to go first, bear in mind that you don't have to look fter your dad - he and your siblings may put pressure on you to do so, not least as it makes their lives easier, but it is but reasonable and sensible to ensure that you don't take on more than you can manage - like they say on flights, you make sure that your own oxygen mask is on before helping others, - you need to live your own life, and to make sure that you are not putting yourself in a position where you can't cope, or are unhappy and resentful, just to make their lives easier. 

You may find Captain Awkward's blog useful 

RalphT264

I completely agree with your viewpoint. You've covered all that has to be done to get him out of this situation. Great!

diego_94

Same kind of thing happened to my wife. Their mum had a heart attack a few years ago, and as a result had mobility issues and needed help. My wife helped alot as well as working full time, and gradually their father took advantage of this, and it was expected that she would visit most days. If she didnt visit as expected her dad was bad tempered and downright rude. She was working full time, driving an hour each way to go round just to help with hings that he was more than capable of doing.

I warned her at the time that she needs to boundaries early on, but didn't. Now it too late.

My advice as other have said is set boundaries, but do it soon. The longer you leave it the harder it will become.

connors07

@goodwithsaving

Its actually scary how similar our lives seem; or at least the topic in your post. I hope the replies on here have helped. I am faced with an almost identical situation except my mother moved out to get away once she retired - I am pleased for her but my burden has only increased; my (also older) siblings don't get involved unless they need or want something. I understand the feeling of obligation and no matter how many people will tell us that we're not obligated to do what we do; they'll just never understand it or I don't know how to be that cold. I guess reading your post at least made me feel less alone and while I don't have anything to offer to help you; you're not alone in what feels like very lonesome and exhausting struggles.

What do you do? You're you; I sense a good heart. Loyal to a fault to the detriment of yourself. Try to look after you. I struggle with the last bit.