New parents- how do you control feeling overwhelmed?

Retireby40

Hello,

I have recently become a parent. It was planned and everything in our lives make it the perfect time to have a child.

Mid 30s, stable job, house etc.

However, I feel hugely overwhelmed. I work about 40 hours a week ( in education with kids being most of the people I work with).

After that I basically come home and am playing with my baby and doing things with my other half for my baby. 

Life has turned into a cycle 24 hour cycle of kids lol. Which I expected and I chose this. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. Again this is everything I wanted.

However I feel like everything is just centred around work, my own child and infants in general. I can't remember the last time in the last 6 months I had a decent conversation with an adult. I dont work with a group of adults and it's so hard to disconnect home life with work as other half works in same company. So many conversations at night are about kids or work.

I don't live in my home area so I only get to see friends/family once or twice a year. And even that has been hard to do with Covid.

I am hugely lucky to have a safe and secure job, a wonderful child and wife. Luckier than most.

But I'm sure other parents have felt overwhelmed. How did you deal with it? Does it get worse or better as they get older?

RAS

I suspect that your wife feels the same? Have you discussed it together?

Maybe arrange that for a an hour or two each week, one of you cares for the child and the other does something adult outside the family?

And that you have date nights (or part-days) together, even if it means paying for extra care. It might be going to an exhibition, or out for a meal, or to an event that you both enjoy?

Retireby40

RAS said:

I suspect that your wife feels the same? Have you discussed it together?

Maybe arrange that for a an hour or two each week, one of you cares for the child and the other does something adult outside the family?

And that you have date nights (or part-days) together, even if it means paying for extra care. It might be going to an exhibition, or out for a meal, or to an event that you both enjoy?

She probably does. We haven't discussed it. She goes to Zumba 2 mornings a week andi stay with no child. The other mornings I work. She also works less and finishes earlier whereas I work until 10pm.

We live in her town, she has all her family and friends around her. Her family help us a lot with the child when we are working so we don't want to abuse that with weekend babysitting too.

She probably feels overwhelmed at times but has the chance to disconnect with friends, family zumba.

My working hours dictate what activities I can do which isn't that many. I do enjoy running and stuff so I tend to do activities I can do on my own as most of the sports groups or whatever take place when I'm working.

I will have more time in summer so hopefully that break in summer from work can help a lot.

london21

I sense you both need to have break even just 1 hour me time.

It gets better, maybe baby s a new born baby at present.

As baby gets older they will sleep longer and you will both have more of a routine.

Do not neglect your interests and hobbies.

Communicate with your partner and work together to get a gradual balance.

RAS

Retireby40 said:

RAS said:

I suspect that your wife feels the same? Have you discussed it together?

Maybe arrange that for a an hour or two each week, one of you cares for the child and the other does something adult outside the family?

And that you have date nights (or part-days) together, even if it means paying for extra care. It might be going to an exhibition, or out for a meal, or to an event that you both enjoy?

She probably does. We haven't discussed it. She goes to Zumba 2 mornings a week andi stay with no child. The other mornings I work. She also works less and finishes earlier whereas I work until 10pm.

We live in her town, she has all her family and friends around her. Her family help us a lot with the child when we are working so we don't want to abuse that with weekend babysitting too.

She probably feels overwhelmed at times but has the chance to disconnect with friends, family zumba.

My working hours dictate what activities I can do which isn't that many. I do enjoy running and stuff so I tend to do activities I can do on my own as most of the sports groups or whatever take place when I'm working.

I will have more time in summer so hopefully that break in summer from work can help a lot.

Ok, so what is now needed is a way for you to also get some me-time.

Have you been able to make your own friends rather than joint friends, prior to the pregnancy?

Are there any park-runs that could fit with work, even if not every week? Or can you occasionally go to the gym, climbing wall whatever. Or even out to the pub/for a catch-up with a mate?

What's sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander.

Retireby40

RAS said:

Retireby40 said:

RAS said:

I suspect that your wife feels the same? Have you discussed it together?

Maybe arrange that for a an hour or two each week, one of you cares for the child and the other does something adult outside the family?

And that you have date nights (or part-days) together, even if it means paying for extra care. It might be going to an exhibition, or out for a meal, or to an event that you both enjoy?

She probably does. We haven't discussed it. She goes to Zumba 2 mornings a week andi stay with no child. The other mornings I work. She also works less and finishes earlier whereas I work until 10pm.

We live in her town, she has all her family and friends around her. Her family help us a lot with the child when we are working so we don't want to abuse that with weekend babysitting too.

She probably feels overwhelmed at times but has the chance to disconnect with friends, family zumba.

My working hours dictate what activities I can do which isn't that many. I do enjoy running and stuff so I tend to do activities I can do on my own as most of the sports groups or whatever take place when I'm working.

I will have more time in summer so hopefully that break in summer from work can help a lot.

Ok, so what is now needed is a way for you to also get some me-time.

Have you been able to make your own friends rather than joint friends, prior to the pregnancy?

Are there any park-runs that could fit with work, even if not every week? Or can you occasionally go to the gym, climbing wall whatever. Or even out to the pub/for a catch-up with a mate?

What's sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander.

We live in a European country (not UK town, my wife's hometown) so all of my friends are joint friends. Different language etc although I can control the language well enough to have beers or whatever without too much problem. It just sometimes feels like I'm living her life. Her parents, friends, memories etc. 

It's a small town so no park runs etc. There are more activities in summer however my plan is for us to go back home in summer for a month which will help things. Good catch up with friends and family and disconnect abit. Introduce our baby to family and friends and start to get him familiar with exposure to language 24 hours a day not just with me. I plan to go back every year with him.

Our work is a big problem in terms of doing things. Basically from 10am-10pm Monday to Friday I'm tied up with work. I also work Saturday mornings. 

It is our busy time in work so maybe that's catching up with me too not helping the feeling of stress and everything feeling like work.

Covid has also played a huge part in the disconnection from my native country as usually I visit there every year or maybe twice a year. I haven't been back in over 3 years so that's probably not helped.

Thanks for your input.

RAS

Yes, not seeing family is brutal. I managed to see mine for a few days for the first time in 2 years in December. It was so much easier having Christmas apart again than the previous year.

So maybe recognise that this will ease when you've been home.

Mean-time, try and develop a few personal contacts, even if only someone with whom you can go for a run? There will be other people who are glad of the company and equally stumped. And others who've already got a full life. 

But until you make the suggestion, you won't know. And you only need a couple of folk to make a difference.

BrassicWoman

You posted quite a few threads about children over the last year or so.

Do you have broader doubts than simply new parent exhaustion?

Retireby40

BrassicWoman said:

You posted quite a few threads about children over the last year or so.

Do you have broader doubts than simply new parent exhaustion?

Not really. Just a combination of tiredness living in a foreign country away from friends and family, working a million hours a week and now taking on the role of a father while having 0 social life, 0 social support and 0 people to talk to that aren't connected somehow to work or family.

I guess that's just what happens in life when you move away from everything you have known.

Hopefully the stress and strain of life will pass and a break in summer will help reenergize me.

Mojisola

Retireby40 said:

Not really. Just a combination of tiredness living in a foreign country away from friends and family, working a million hours a week and now taking on the role of a father while having 0 social life, 0 social support and 0 people to talk to that aren't connected somehow to work or family.

I guess that's just what happens in life when you move away from everything you have known.

Hopefully the stress and strain of life will pass and a break in summer will help reenergize me.

You are under a lot of pressure - does your partner realise how you feel? 

It sounds as if she has a lot of support and some me-time for herself - she may not realise that you are struggling.

I wouldn't leave it until the summer to make some improvements in your life - unrelieved constant stress often leads to problems with physical health if it goes on for too long.

Are there any other Brits (or other English speakers) in the area where you live?  Just meeting up for an hour at the weekend with someone you can chat to in your own language could help.

Retireby40

Mojisola said:

Retireby40 said:

Not really. Just a combination of tiredness living in a foreign country away from friends and family, working a million hours a week and now taking on the role of a father while having 0 social life, 0 social support and 0 people to talk to that aren't connected somehow to work or family.

I guess that's just what happens in life when you move away from everything you have known.

Hopefully the stress and strain of life will pass and a break in summer will help reenergize me.

You are under a lot of pressure - does your partner realise how you feel? 

It sounds as if she has a lot of support and some me-time for herself - she may not realise that you are struggling.

I wouldn't leave it until the summer to make some improvements in your life - unrelieved constant stress often leads to problems with physical health if it goes on for too long.

Are there any other Brits (or other English speakers) in the area where you live?  Just meeting up for an hour at the weekend with someone you can chat to in your own language could help.

Yeah things get tough. As we work in Education from September to June is pretty much full on. Monday to Friday can be from 10-10pm for various reasons and Saturday mornings.

If I work say 50 hours she probably works 25-30. Which is a big help to our business. She does work hard. She doesn't have a world of free time either but for example something as silly to her as an hour with a friend would probably be good for me. She's big into her family and has siblings who she does things with too often with our child when maybe I'm working or organising work or maybe watching a football match if I have an hour or two free.

She has a lot of support but again I knew all this before. Unfortunately where we live there are very few brits and without sounding rude the majority that are close by tend to be in their 60s or 70s. So it isn't really suitable.

I may try to get out running again. I've had abit of an injury which has stopped me and I do notice a difference in my mood when I do exercise and don't. Thanks again for your input.