Please advise on my divorce case

rajesh22

Summary:
Married for18 years with two children 1​7​ and 1​3.
We had a few domestic violence incidents in the past, wherein I missed a lot of opportunities to prove my side during those incidents considering the then age of my children.
We have been living separately in the same house for more than 2+ years, based on that I applied for a divorce and got the Decree Nisi in Dec'21.

Current situation:
The 43 days are over for applying decree absolute, but the financial settlement conversation was going on between two solicitors since August' 21.
There were a lot of queries/questions from my ex side and I responded to everything.
My ex is delaying deliberately in each step and at the last stage of solicitor negotiation, she wanted to go for mediation.​  ​​I accepted that too and booked a mediation in two weeks. 

There is no child care issue in my case, as I am happy to take care of them. And I think my ex is also interested in taking care of them.
Of course, as a father, irrespective of their age or where they live, I will be supporting them until they get a job/settle in life.

​Questions:​
1.

Our family home in London, bought in 2015, in which she didn't even contribute a penny on the mortgage, except a 15k contribution in a 50k deposit.​  I wish to retain the house by getting a top-up loan on the amount I need to compensate her share. I have shown my eligibility through solicitors. But should I agree to 50% ​of the equity ​irrespective of her contribution?​

2.
Two overseas properties (a flat and a house) were bought by my father in my name. The house was bought before my marriage and I was a teenager without any job. The flat was bought after marriage, but we lived as a joint family. So not sure how this will come under matrimonial asset.

​I filled all the properties details in my Form-E together with this explanation.​  Can my ex ask for a share of my father's property if it is in my name?

3.
As my ex is delaying deliberately, is there a way to address one by one:

Like.. split the London house first, and we physically live in different places.  Then she can continue on any other financial concerns.

I am not in urgency for the decree absolute, as I don't have any plan for marriage. I just don't want to live in the same house, as every day is a nightmare for me.

Also, I am still paying the mortgage, and when the equity increases, I might be in a situation where I cannot retain the house, that is why I need a line to be drawn. 

Please let me know how to achieve this?

Thanks in advance.

-​Raj

BAFE

1.  It depends on what other assets there are, such as pensions and savings.

2.  Both overseas properties will be included in the total pot.  Why did your father put property he owns into your  name?  Thats really bad financial planning , especially as it could be included in the divorce negotiations, was your father aware of that?

3.  You say that you don't want to live in the same house anymore and thats understandable.  What negotiations have you made with your ex to discuss living arrangements?  Who will the children live with?

tacpot12

Unfortunately, when you marry, you are basically agreeing that everything you own is now owned jointly, and when you divorce, it is generally expected that the assets are split 50:50. There are options to negotiate a different split, but it needs both parties to be happy with what is being proposed. Your best hope is to make a moral argument to your wife that the financial settlement should recognise the unequal contribution to the deposit on the London house. 

BAFE is correct about the overseas property. If it is in your name, it is yours and therefore it is also your wife's. Whilst you might make a moral argument that it is not really your property and therefore she should not ask for half of it, it is your property in law, and even if your father hadn't made the decision to give it to you earlier than his death, you would have inherited it as a couple had you been married when he died. I think she has a right to expect something for releasing you from the obligation to share half your assets with her.

rajesh22

@BAFE
Please find my responses:
1. I have disclosed all my pensions and savings, and I am happy to give 50% of them. She has an equal bank balance too.

2. I have 3 elder sisters and myself.  So in India, for cultural reasons, my father decided to buy in his only son's name.
Even by Indian law, my sisters will legally have a share of my father's earnings. Not sure how UK court will consider that?
yes, my father is aware and upset about the inclusion in the division.  I can give 50% of my share anyway.

3. My ex agreed to get a lump sum and leave the house to buy her own house, and the children can live as when needed in two places. But this was agreed orally,  During the solicitor negotiation, she changed her stand and didn't conclude on the children living arrangements or financial compensation.  I might be getting this information in the mediation session.

rajesh22

@tacpot12. Please find my point 2 in the previous comment.

BAFE

I suspect that she agreed inititally and then other assets were brought to her attention and this is why she has now changed her mind.

Make her an offer and negotiate from there - or just go straight for a court hearing (the judge will be fair).  The important thing to remember is this - SHE doesn't get to decide how the assets will be divided.  Either you agree between you, or the judge decides.

rajesh22

She knows all my assets and finances, so nothing is a surprise for her.  Several times we were talking about giving my sisters an amount and getting those properties, before buying the London house.  Moreover, the combined value is very low when compared to the London house equity.  That is why I wanted to get the London house out so that the other properties and finances can be easily proved/shared later. 
Is there a way to stop the mortgage payment so that the house equity reduces and she can act quickly?

I negotiated with her, and she agrees to one thing and act differently. That is why I spent a lot on solicitor for a consent order with negotiation. She didn't come to a conclusion, instead, she dragged the time with all low-value assets. 

SHE doesn't get to decide how the assets will be divided.  Either you agree between you, or the judge decides

The above statement from you gives me some hope that the judge will consider my case in case this goes to court if the mediation fails. 

pinkshoes

rajesh22 said:

Our family home in London, bought in 2015, in which she didn't even contribute a penny on the mortgage, except a 15k contribution in a 50k deposit.​  I wish to retain the house by getting a top-up loan on the amount I need to compensate her share. I have shown my eligibility through solicitors. But should I agree to 50% ​of the equity ​irrespective of her contribution?​

"Contributions" to a family don't just have to be financial. 

You have had 2 kids, so when the house was bought 7 years ago your kids were 10 and 6 years old. When you make a decision to have children, usually one of you has to sacrifice some earnings to do the parenting. 

I have a 10 year old and two 6 year olds, and I earn just over half what Mr Pinkshoes earns because I work part time so that I can also provide TIME for the kids. I could work full time and earn a lot more but it wouldn't be fair on the kids.

So did your wife return full time to work immediately after the birth of both children? Or did it work better for you as a family unit for one of you to not work or work part time?

You cannot go making comments such as "she didn't even contribute a penny on the mortgage". That was a decision that you as a FAMILY made. You were married. You made decisions together.

If I was your wife and you made a comment like that, then absolutely I would dig my heels in and change my mind! 

As she is entitled to half of all the assets in either of your names, then I would be super nice and think carefully what a sensible offer would be. There is far more to life than money.

TBagpuss

Yours a a fairly long marriage and you have children, so things like what you each contributed at the outset are of very little relevance.

A court has to look at what is fair and reasonable, and that includes taking into account what your respective needs nd resources are.

So the starting point will be that you are each entitled to the house, but if you re the higher earner and/or have a higher mortgage capacity, then it may be fair for your wife to have a larger share of the equity to take that into account.  If she is the higher earner then it may be fair for you to have a higher share. 

All of the other assets, such as any pensions and that other properties, are also relevant. It may well be that a court would decide that you should retain the property in India but that your wife should have a bigger share of the other assets such as the house or pensions, to achieve a fair outcome.

If you are claiming that the overseas properties are really your father's not yours, then you would have to provide evidence to show that. It would not be enough to prove that he paid for them, it's not unusual for parents to help out their children with property purchases or other financial support. 

So far as the children are concerned,  your 17 year old will decide for themself - they are too old for the court to make any orders about them, or for you or your wife to dictate which of you they live with. With the 13 year old they are old enough that their wishes and feelings would be likely to be the determining factor  - and of course they may not be able to decide until you and your wife are clearer about what will happen with the house and where each of you will be living in future. 

There is nothing to stop one of you moving out if you are struggling with being in the same house . It's unlikely that it would be practical to split the house and then argue over the other issues - not least as if yo were looking to buy out your wife, she's likely to need all her shares of the assets to be able to rehouse, she isn't going to be able to offer a seller a partial payment with more to come when the overseas properties ae sold. Not to mention that as the overseas properties are in your name it's likely to be easier to have an arrangements where you keep those, and she gets a higher share form the UK property, rather than seeking to sell ./ split each of the 3 properties. 

rajesh22

@pinkshoes

"Contributions" to a family don't just have to be financial. 

Yes, I completely agree.  

You have had 2 kids, so when the house was bought 7 years ago your kids were 10 and 6 years old. When you make a decision to have children,  usually one of you has to sacrifice some earnings to do the parenting. 

We married in 2004 and lived in a joint family until 2010.  The children care were taken care of by everyone including my parents.  Even when we came to the UK in 2010, my parents visited many times and took care of my children.

I am the one who was doing school-run for both of my children in the morning in their primary school.

Still, I am doing for my daughter in her secondary school. Of course, she also contributed her part, I am not denying it.
She was paying for some extra-curricular activities, even if my children are interested.

The whole of 2020 to early 2021 during the pandemic, I was working from home as well as taking care of children who were doing remote-schooling, and when my wife has to go to work as she cannot work from home.
So children care is not something she has individually taken care of.  
But in the last few months, she is buying a lot of food and snacks for the children, not sure what she is trying to prove.

So did your wife return full time to work immediately after the birth of both children? Or did it work better for you as a family unit for one of you to not work or work part time?

She started earning in 2013 and in 2015 she wanted to go for a big-budget house and she told that she will also contribute when she earns. With that commitment, I was paying all my salary in the initial years for the mortgage. But after she started earning, she didn't even ask me about my financial pressure.  From Dec 2019, she started paying council tax and energy for her credit rating.  
As such is she is a very nice lady, but her friend circle preaching her in a different mode, which made my family life bitter

You cannot go making comments such as "she didn't even contribute a penny on the mortgage". That was a decision that you as a FAMILY made. You were married. You made decisions together.

Again I agree with this, marriage is something in which both need to sacrifice and contribute whatever they can, with either financial or moral support.

Instead, she earns and spends lavishly in front of me. I can see £100 perfumes and branded handbags all over the house.

Of course, legally she can buy whatever she wants, but my concern was, I spent 90% of my salary on UK travel, visa, education, food, rent, holidays etc. 

Also, she got a huge lump sum of money from her parents recently and started buying a remote shared property without my consent. My son told me about the shared property investments which mum is buying.
She paid some solicitor fees for the property survey etc but didn't buy it, as I started the divorce process.
Even with that money in hand, she doesn't think about contributing something for the house capital. I came to know the amount only when we filled the form-E. 

If I was your wife and you made a comment like that, then absolutely I would dig my heels in and change my mind! 

After reading the above statement, would you still consider this?  .
I still didn't explain many things about her aggressive and abusive behaviour, which I am still facing

As she is entitled to half of all the assets in either of your names, then I would be super nice and think carefully what a sensible offer would be. There is far more to life than money.

I still want to give her a nice offer, so that she can buy a house and we both can live happily. 

Really, I don't want her to suffer, after all, we lived together, I am not that inhuman to just cheat her and save money.

Even the house which I am trying to retain is for my children. 
The only concern is the money which my father earned (which can be proved), should be shared with my sisters too.


Thank you very much for the responses!  

pinkshoes

rajesh22 said:

@pinkshoes

"Contributions" to a family don't just have to be financial. 

Yes, I completely agree.  

You have had 2 kids, so when the house was bought 7 years ago your kids were 10 and 6 years old. When you make a decision to have children,  usually one of you has to sacrifice some earnings to do the parenting. 

We married in 2004 and lived in a joint family until 2010.  The children care were taken care of by everyone including my parents.  Even when we came to the UK in 2010, my parents visited many times and took care of my children.

I am the one who was doing school-run for both of my children in the morning in their primary school.

Still, I am doing for my daughter in her secondary school. Of course, she also contributed her part, I am not denying it.
She was paying for some extra-curricular activities, even if my children are interested.

The whole of 2020 to early 2021 during the pandemic, I was working from home as well as taking care of children who were doing remote-schooling, and when my wife has to go to work as she cannot work from home.
So children care is not something she has individually taken care of.  
But in the last few months, she is buying a lot of food and snacks for the children, not sure what she is trying to prove.

So did your wife return full time to work immediately after the birth of both children? Or did it work better for you as a family unit for one of you to not work or work part time?

She started earning in 2013 and in 2015 she wanted to go for a big-budget house and she told that she will also contribute when she earns. With that commitment, I was paying all my salary in the initial years for the mortgage. But after she started earning, she didn't even ask me about my financial pressure.  From Dec 2019, she started paying council tax and energy for her credit rating.  
As such is she is a very nice lady, but her friend circle preaching her in a different mode, which made my family life bitter

You cannot go making comments such as "she didn't even contribute a penny on the mortgage". That was a decision that you as a FAMILY made. You were married. You made decisions together.

Again I agree with this, marriage is something in which both need to sacrifice and contribute whatever they can, with either financial or moral support.

Instead, she earns and spends lavishly in front of me. I can see £100 perfumes and branded handbags all over the house.

Of course, legally she can buy whatever she wants, but my concern was, I spent 90% of my salary on UK travel, visa, education, food, rent, holidays etc. 

Also, she got a huge lump sum of money from her parents recently and started buying a remote shared property without my consent. My son told me about the shared property investments which mum is buying.
She paid some solicitor fees for the property survey etc but didn't buy it, as I started the divorce process.
Even with that money in hand, she doesn't think about contributing something for the house capital. I came to know the amount only when we filled the form-E. 

If I was your wife and you made a comment like that, then absolutely I would dig my heels in and change my mind! 

After reading the above statement, would you still consider this?  .
I still didn't explain many things about her aggressive and abusive behaviour, which I am still facing

As she is entitled to half of all the assets in either of your names, then I would be super nice and think carefully what a sensible offer would be. There is far more to life than money.

I still want to give her a nice offer, so that she can buy a house and we both can live happily. 

Really, I don't want her to suffer, after all, we lived together, I am not that inhuman to just cheat her and save money.

Even the house which I am trying to retain is for my children. 
The only concern is the money which my father earned (which can be proved), should be shared with my sisters too.


Thank you very much for the responses!  

Those decisions were made as a COUPLE. No one forced you to buy the big budget house... It sounds a little like she saw you as a bit of a doormat so has walked all over you. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it comes across as a bit like she says jump and you say how high.

If she also has assets, then you are entitled to half of those too, although when you say she got a large sum of money recently, was that in the last two years AFTER you separated?

It's not a case of who paid what, so yes, I would still be annoyed if you went making comments about who had paid what! You were a COUPLE and made those family choices. That's what couples do. 

You now also have choices. You also have the option to just stop paying the mortgage and tell her it's now her turn? I'm amazed you're still living with this person. Why not give her the responsibility of all bills and mortgage and just go and rent somewhere for 6 months for you and the kids?