It's getting tough out there. Feeling the pinch?

euronorris

Things have a way of working themselves out when people really want them to. I'm sure my parents worried a bit when DH and I got engaged as we were still living at theirs (having just returned from living abroad). But shortly after, I got a new job, we moved out, planned and had the wedding within 5 months, and the next month I was pregnant. DD will be 6 in a few weeks and all is well.

I don't think there is ever a perfect time for kids. They are always harder than you think (before you have your first). I think it's better to be a strong place mentally and emotionally tbh. There was a time when DH was really struggling with his mental health and we would not even consider kids at that point, and looking back that was the right decision. They are amazing, but they are also hard work and there are plenty of times where you berate yourself for making a mistake and wonder if you doing a good job etc. So if you're already struggling with mental health it could be too much for some.

YoungBlueEyes

timehastoldme said:

I ummed and aahed about having children before concluding that it wasn't for me (looks hard and expensive). Tentatively discussed with husband and he also emphatically agreed it looked hard and he wasn't all that keen so we decided to stick with dogs and books.

Did take till my mid 30's to be confident in that certainty. There's a bit of a societal expectation for babies. Kept being asked when I was going to start, or that I'd regret it if I didn't etc etc. No regrets so far. Lots of books. 

I wish I could thank this more than once.  It’s dogs and books for me too. 

I got married quite young and it took me a long time to fix myself when I finally left him.  I moved back home because I had no money - I’d walked out with the clothes on my back and my dog on his lead.

I'm now mid 40’s and I don’t regret not having children. I’ve stopped mentioning that I used to be married though - I got sick of people asking me how old my kids are - like they give you a free one at the ceremony to start you off!  My friend Jan used to say to me regularly that we should just go to the pub so I could have a one night stand “while you’re still lovely-looking”.  As though a healthy woman without kids was unnatural somehow… 

I’m perfectly content without children. I think some women are just built differently tbh. 

Siebrie

I was happy without children and had never met anyone I would have liked to have children with until I met my husband when I was 35. My eldest was a welcome surprise, although I had just moved abroad and had started a high-flying job in an international company. We had to rush moving then-boyfriend over, submitting paperwork and getting married in a country that was foreign to both of us. It took so long, that dd1 was born the day after the ceremony

DD2 came 2.5 years later. Generally, I like my life, but I also know that it would have been very different without children (and, I think, in that case, husband), and that that would have been a life I enjoyed, too.

On a different subject: I keep my carrots in an large old red ice-cream container with a piece of kitchen towel at the bottom. I saw something similar at a Tpprwreparty, and thought 'I can do that for cheaps!'. The carrots keep for about 6 weeks.

Bluegreen143

There’s a really beautiful article I sent my sister on the topic of making these huge decisions, and it describes your life as being full of “ghost ships that didn’t carry you” - “sister lives” which would also have been important and beautiful, but we will never know in what ways. The article is specifically exploring how a specific 40yo man will decide whether to have children, but it applies to any kind of big life decision (I was sent it by a friend when agonising re the third child question - I’ve still not answered that one!). Linking below in case anyone is interested.

https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

-taff

timehastoldme said:

I ummed and aahed about having children before concluding that it wasn't for me (looks hard and expensive). Tentatively discussed with husband and he also emphatically agreed it looked hard and he wasn't all that keen so we decided to stick with dogs and books.

Did take till my mid 30's to be confident in that certainty. There's a bit of a societal expectation for babies. Kept being asked when I was going to start, or that I'd regret it if I didn't etc etc. No regrets so far. Lots of books. 

Yeah....I realised the only reason I'd be having children would be to look after me in my dotage so that was a total non starter..Plus...books man! books!

Siebrie

Yeah....I realised the only reason I'd be having children would be to look after me in my dotage so that was a total non starter..Plus...books man! books!

For my African husband that is a valid concern. He is the middle child of 9, and 3 older half-siblings. I'm not sure he trusts Belgian pensions until they materialise when he retires He really wanted more than 2 children, but I cannot cope with more. Which was the right decision, now that the eldest enters puberty ....

Bluegreen143

What’s with the books chat? I still read daily, despite having kids 😆 also enjoy getting to reread childhood classics with my 6yo every evening… not everyone enjoys children’s literature, I realise 😂 on a serious note, obviously I have given up or don’t have much time for some pre-child interests now - just that reading isn’t one that I’ve given up. You make time for the important stuff. I’d rather read or cook than do just about anything else, so I still do those. 

On a MSE book-related note, in case anyone has Amazon prime and doesn’t know, you can choose one new release kindle book a month from a shortlist of about 8 (it’s called Amazon first reads and if you don’t have prime you can still choose one for I think 99p). Often there is a lot of guff 😂 but I have read a few decent books from there. 

maryb

There's never a right time and you can never afford it, lol

I adore my two but there were plenty of times when I thought wistfully of how much easier life could have been

TheAble

Floss said:

But for those younger folk for whom conception might be difficult for medical reasons, it can be upsetting to be asked on their wedding day "when are you starting a family?". There is an assumption that everyone can have children which isn't always the case.

Yep. It amazes me that people ask personal questions like this but they do. 

"What do you do for a living?" is another one that should also be avoided as well in my view, until you've at least started to get to know the person, and even then I'd ask it tentatively or still probably not at all. I was on the wrong end of this question for many years until my career took a better turn and I always hated being asked it.

greenbee

TheAble said:

Floss said:

But for those younger folk for whom conception might be difficult for medical reasons, it can be upsetting to be asked on their wedding day "when are you starting a family?". There is an assumption that everyone can have children which isn't always the case.

Yep. It amazes me that people ask personal questions like this but they do. 

"What do you do for a living?" is another one that should also be avoided as well in my view, until you've at least started to get to know the person, and even then I'd ask it tentatively or still probably not at all. I was on the wrong end of this question for many years until my career took a better turn and I always hated being asked it.

My answer to the latter is usually 'funnily enough my boss would like to know that too' While I like what I do, I quite like to leave work at work. It's hard enough making time for other things without spending non-work time talking about work.