Struggling to stay out of debt

Glittermouse

Hello,
I am new here. I want to say hi and ask what maybe the stupidest question ever.

How do you stay out of debt when you are no good with money?

So I am in my late 40’s, unmarried, no kids, never owned my own house, have two rescue dogs. I have a part-time job in a bookshop on a permanent contract. I got into into debt since 1997, not long after I started uni.

I have been in and out of debt. And in 2012 got a loan to consolidate my debts. Made redundant a month later. 

Went to Stepchange but my bank CC wouldn’t get involved. So have been handling everything myself, with advice from my mum. 

I am on payment plan with one CC and loan and have other credit debt. Last year I committed myself to paying off the loan so upped payments from £10 to £150 a month and it will be paid off in July with one CC being paid off September. And sort everything else out. 

All good on the surface. But I struggle with money. I pay a lot of my wages to debt and bills. And then what do I do? Spend money on books, sweets (out of control sugar tooth) and fatally, get another CC and use it for art stuff (at college part-time), to live when my money doesn’t last the month.

I know about being sensible with money, I want to be out of debt. I’m not stupid. I grew up with no money, Santa actually died one year because there was no money (he then went into a coma so things were a bit better). So I was brought up not caring about just buying stuff. That all changed when I moved out in my early 20’s and sold everything to survive. 

I moved back home, went to uni (waste of three years) and the fall into debt started.

If it helps I am waiting for an autism assessment and just feel I can’t manage life whilst at the same being sensible about other things.

I know how to deal with debt, but I need advice on how I stop getting back in that’s beyond ‘don’t spend money’. 

Oh and I had contactless taken off my debit card for that time to think about what I’m buying.

Sorry for the really long post. Thank you. 

mcpitman

Fill this out, pop the results on here (use option "Format for MSE"). https://www.lemonfool.co.uk/financecalculators/soa.php

We can then see where the money is coming and going and look for any places you can save cash.

After that, it is a mind game. I think you need to understand what impulses you get, what mood you are in when you get them and assess some tactics from there.

The Need/want thought process helps. Wanting a set of new brushes for painting because they are shiny and new, is not the same as needing them as you have none left.

EssexHebridean

There's no stupid questions here - well done for realising that you're struggling and asking for help! 

How do you stay out of debt when you are no good with money? First off, you learn the tips, tricks and habits that stop you frittering away money. Then you start to work to live to a budget - setting aside the right amounts for monthly, quarterly and annual bills, and ensuring that you are allowing enough for things like food, clothing etc. Once you have done both of those things, you suddenly realise that actually, you ARE good with money. It's not really about being good or bad - it's about wanting to improve your situation, and wanting to learn how to make the money you earn work for you, rather than you solely working for it. 

middlingditch

Hi

I sympathise - recognise myself a lot in what you're saying, similar age, similar history, similarly suspect I'm autistic.

I'm in the early stages of a total revolution in how I think about money and it's really helping me just "not spend". Like you, I've always totally understood the theories and I'm very numerate, and have never been interested in buying "stuff". So couldn't understand why I had (have) such a persistent debt problem.  

McPitman is right in that it's a mind game. 

The change for me (so far) has to take all the emotion out of the way I see money and start to see it as nothing more than a tool to make other things possible. This is probably blindingly obvious to everyone else on here but it's new for me. 

I was always seeing money as a comfort blanket somehow, just a mass of something with a feeling of panic around losing it, rather than a mathematical thing that I had complete control over. That made me see getting credit (debt) as a desirable/comforting thing, and it meant real money (non-credit money) lost its meaning and worth. Does that ring bells for you? 

I never understood the concept of "can I afford it?" because if the money was in my bank account then "of course I could afford it", and if it wasn't in my bank account then I could always put it on a credit card. Same for you maybe? 

I had no real idea of the boundaries around what I had and how long it would have to last me before any more money came in. It was all just a big amorphous feeling of "well I'm in debt so I can't afford anything really, I might as well have that coffee".

I've had to literally reeducate myself from scratch about what budgeting actually means and how it can EMPOWER you rather than stopping you doing what you want. I've taken the "every pound has a job" approach (you'll find more about it on these boards) and it's working brilliantly for me. 

It's really helped that I have personalised my budget in a really detailed way, right down to specific budgets for the stuff I know I have historically spent too much money on (for you, sweets, for me, coffee and books!). I would always feel bad about spending anything on coffee or books "because I'm in debt and I don't really need it" but, crucially, feeling bad didn't stop me spending it, because I didn't have anything mathematical to help make the decision for me; I was doing it all on emotion. 

Now if I want to buy coffee I have a set amount each month dedicated to my pleasure - coffee. I know I CAN afford X number of coffees per month because I've worked out all my other outgoings and adjusted everything in accordance with what's important to me. I buy my coffee out of that separate "coffee budget" and it's almost as if it's not costing me anything at all because I've set the money aside in advance...! 

For the first couple of weeks of living with this proper budget I felt a bit sulky because I was looking at it as limiting me, but soon it changed to feeling like, yeah, at last, I'm in charge! So I'd really recommend giving it a proper go. 

So anyway, sorry this is really long, but I'm trying to say: get your head round budgeting and see it as a tool to empower you to do what you want and get where you need to be. Build in small budgets for the treats you still will want, i.e. don't try and put *everything* towards paying off debt and spend £0.00 per month on sweets as you'll just be miserable. It's a balance and it's in your power to find the balance that's comfortable for you. Your money!

EssexHebridean

@middlingditch that is SUCH a good post! well done on starting to learn the lessons and finding an approach that works for you! 

middlingditch

Oh thanks @EssexHebridean! So nice of you to say. I really hope it helps the OP.

Glittermouse

Thank you so much Middlingditch and EssexHebridean for your wonderful replies. 

Middlingditch your rely is so valuable. I know what you mean about being in debt and thinking sod it. I do exactly the same, thinking it’ll be alright. 

And yes, if the money is in my account I think well of course I can afford it. I just get in this whole ‘it’s OK’ mindset as I buy more books and sweets or cake. Books are so important to me it’s like I have to get this one now. 

I love the idea of personalising a budget to me. I’ve never heard of that before so budgeting was too boring for me to consider. Money is so difficult to deal with.

EssexHebridean that you for your advice. I get told off all the time for wearing not the best clothes. Because they are not important to me, same with shoes and all the other stuff. 

You both have made me feel that I was right to ask so thank you. You have both written excellent replies and I will make notes. 

😀

Glittermouse

Oh no. Hit my usual problem. To do a budget I need a lovely new notebook. I can’t win 🌺.

SusieT

Your post is exactly what thousands of other people could write and could substitute their own "vices" for your books and sweets. 
You know that you have a problem with a budget that will work for you, so posting here was a great start as there are a lot of people who can help you. 
As a start, do you have a library close to you? Signing up would allow you access to both printed and virtual books, so that alone could be an easy way to start to put the brakes on some of the outgoings and give you more to pay against the debts. Charity shops are also a good source of very low cost books. 
What sort of thing do you relate to for the progress you have made, are you a visual person who would relate to colouring in squares or sectors of something like a caterpillar when you have paid off each £10, £50 or £100, and later when you have saved those amounts, or keeping a chart of either how fast the interest is going down, or how much more you are paying off the capital?
Is there something you would like to do to treat yourself for being debt free, that would be something you could start to save loose change for until you are in a position to save for it? Could be something as simple as getting your mum some flowers, or your dogs new collars?
You have done well to stop the contactless, that is a good start and hopefully you will be able to retrain yourself to be someone who saves for what they want

Chris_English

Glittermouse said:

Oh no. Hit my usual problem. To do a budget I need a lovely new notebook. I can’t win 🌺.

And there, in one line, is one of your problems.

You don't need a new notebook.

SusieT

Glittermouse said:

Oh no. Hit my usual problem. To do a budget I need a lovely new notebook. I can’t win 🌺.

To do a budget you need pen and paper - possibly several sheets of paper so that you can adapt things. So, you start with 1 sheet (or a paper notebook ) and go through your and card bank statements listing all your spends into categories. Then you write your monthly, quarterly, yearly outgoings. then you are in a position to start a budget. For many people the fact that you are physically writing things down also helps to cement the idea of how much has been wasted, how much you actually spend rather than think you spend, and how fast the debt could be reduced if you were to rein in the spending.