Help re partner & shared costs

Soundgirlrocks

Hi All,

Looking for a little advice, I feel I need to start by saying my partner is lovely but also very likely on the spectrum which sometimes makes communication difficult.

We moved in together at the start of the pandemic. Initially, he lived with me in my flat (mortgaged) I was furloughed so being handy I did a complete renovation to his flat during this time (it was borderline unliveable)He paid for the materials but I did all the work (including plumbing, tiling and sash window restoration) He contributed to getting my car repaired (£1.5k) as way of thank you. I didn't take any money off him for bills and we split the groceries.

6 months later we moved into his and I got my flat clear out and ready to rent (renting it finally in Aug 2021) for the last 12 months I've bought all the groceries & TV subscriptions and he's paid the bills. However he's now had a bit of a meltdown and feels I should pay him rent. I have some debt which I'm paying off and he thinks he's subsidising my debt.

Whilst I have no issue splitting the bills and the groceries (I nagged him to set up a joint account for this purpose) he as yet not moved the bills over or put them in joint names.

I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of paying him rent. The way I see it is his mortgage is his responsibility and his investment in the future and I shouldn't be covering that. He feels I must be rolling in it now I'm renting my place, the actual increase in my income once you account for tax is £350 pcm ( had a lodger before the pandemic which supplemented my income). Whilst it's true I have more flexibility with my monthly expenditure (due to now having a BTL intrest only mortgage v repayment) I'm also more vulnerable if he decides he wants me out. I would struggle to get a rental property and can't evict my tenant at a moment's notice. He earns considerably more than me.

We also have slightly different attitudes to money he feels I'm tight and need to enjoy life more, and I agree I'm definitely in the more frugal category which I think is part of the friction.

I'd really appreciate some advice on how best to reach a sensible compromise. Our relationship has lots of good points and we are both quite strong characters. I'm leaning towards writing him a letter outlining my position and feelings, so as not to escalate. Long term we are hoping to buy somewhere together so things will be more equal 

pphillips

If you have you're own room you can pay rent. If you don't then it's a payment towards the mortgage.The latter can create a potential constructive trust claim on his property. 

You should not pay anything towards improving someone else's property or contribute towards their mortgage without first getting legal advice.

kimwp

I read something that someone posted on a thread like this a few years and it stuck:
"If I love my partner, why would I want them to have a worse quality of life?"
If you are deciding to pair up, you are also pairing your debts, your obligations and your income. You could chose not too, but think about the quote - if you love them, why would you want them to have less than you?
I personally think it's fair to protect assets that you have before the relationship, but while you are in it, you are (hopefully!) supporting and enabling each other to create that income and have that life together and (hopefully!) not counting how much effort each puts into the housework or doing romantic things because you are both trying to make the other person's life better - so why count the money just because it's easier to count?

pickledonionspaceraider

Hmm - I have to say I think I see where your partner is coming from - Sorry

elsien

Did he pay you rent when he lived at yours? 

Mojisola

pphillips said:

If you have you're own room you can pay rent. If you don't then it's a payment towards the mortgage.The latter can create a potential constructive trust claim on his property.

I don't think this is right.  If you are living as a couple, any money paid as 'rent' could be counted as a contribution towards the mortgage. 

theoretica

Soundgirlrocks said:

I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of paying him rent. The way I see it is his mortgage is his responsibility and his investment in the future and I shouldn't be covering that.

To me, the key is finding something that would be equally fair whichever of the two flats you happened to live in. A bit harder to work out if the two flats/mortgages aren't equal.  A mortgage is two things - both an investment for the future and also paying for somewhere to live.

One scenario to think about is if you each rented out your flats and then shared the expenses of somewhere to live - this would probably feel fair and equal, and it sounds like he would be better off if you did that.

Soundgirlrocks

theoretica 

One scenario to think about is if you each rented out your flats and then shared the expenses of somewhere to live - this would probably feel fair and equal, and it sounds like he would be better off if you did that.

I’m not sure he would be, he’s a higher rate tax payer so if he rented his flat out by the time he’s covered the mortgage on his place and the tax he would probably be looking at an increase of £400 is a month. To rent somewhere we would be looking a t a minimum of £1500 rent so we would both be worse off.

Soundgirlrocks

Thanks for the replies, sorry for not responding I came down with covid and have been pretty laid low. 

To answer some of the comments, no he did not pay rent whilst living with me. 

Renting somewhere together would be difficult as I have a dog & would leave us both worse off.

I was happy to renovate his flat whilst furloughed, and don’t expect a stake in his flat for doing the work. I did it because I love him and could make his flat a proper home for him. I saw it as investing in our future. A rough estimate of what it would have costed him in labour is probably £6-7k. 

He is in a better position living together I cook (prior to me he would spend £600 pcm on takeaways and ready meals) and as I mentioned I pay for all the groceries. If for the sake of argument I moved out his costs would go up.

I would have quite happily have stayed living together in my flat but he doesn’t like its location. 

Soundgirlrocks

pickledonionspaceraider said:

Hmm - I have to say I think I see where your partner is coming from 

Thanks I’m curious what do you think is fair?

elsien

I'm interested to know why he thinks it was ok for him to live with you rent free while you did the work on his house, but now that it's the other way round you should start paying him?
I'm not saying what is right or wrong, but more about what his underlying reasoning is. If he perceives that he is subsidising your debt, does he acknowledge at all that you were effectively subsiding his house repairs with the work that you did? 
How do the grocery and tv subscriptions where you are now compare to the bills that he is paying out? 

Have you/would you be able to sit down with a spreadsheet and show all the  money coming in, what is going out, and how this impacts on the both of you, you with your rent coming in and him with his higher earnings?

Is this really about money or has he got some niggles going on about your future together?