What’s fair

Hi all. I’m interested in opinions on what is fair in our situation. My husband and I married after finding out his mother had terminal cancer. We had only been together 11 months when we wed 12/2020. I already owned my house and I believe I have £80K equity sat in it. My husband came with nothing. No savings. No property. We are on exactly the same salary but I have more outgoings. My disposable income is £120 per month and his is £636 per month. I suggested he but into my house so he could get on the property ladder and I could pay off my debts. I calculated if he took a mortgage for £40K this would cost him about £145 per month if we added him to the existing mortgage and increased the borrowing. He wants me to give him £10K to clear his debts from that £40K which I don’t think is fair. At the moment we pay half each on the mortgage and bills and then have our own debts we pay for. We have no children and can’t move forward until we sort out what’s the fair as money seems to be an ongoing issue. 
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Comments

  • I dont understand the bit about buying into your house to get onto the property ladder. He is already buying into the house by paying half the mortgage payments

    He has £10k debt, you have debt yet you want him to borrow 40k against the house and pay off your debt but not clear his, that makes no sense. 

    There is an awful lot of 'this is mine' in your post. You are married, it is now all in the marital pot. If you cant get your heads together and come to an agreement about how to manage your joint finances now then you are probably going to be posting on here in the future asking how you can avoid him making a claim on your property.
  • theoretica
    theoretica Posts: 12,300 Forumite
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    We are on exactly the same salary but I have more outgoings. My disposable income is £120 per month and his is £636 per month.
    This jumped out at me rather - if you each pay half the bills why are your outgoings higher?  Be very clearheaded about avoiding the trap of calling your spending 'outgoings' and his 'disposable'.

    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
  • We are on exactly the same salary but I have more outgoings. My disposable income is £120 per month and his is £636 per month.
    This jumped out at me rather - if you each pay half the bills why are your outgoings higher?  Be very clearheaded about avoiding the trap of calling your spending 'outgoings' and his 'disposable'.

    The bills in terms of utilities. I have two hefty loans. He does not want to combine our salaries and debts to split the disposable income between us. As it stands only I am on the deeds and I have owned my home for 10 years. He refused to sign a pre-nup and I didn’t pursue it when we found out about his mother.  
  • elsien
    elsien Posts: 32,696 Forumite
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    We are on exactly the same salary but I have more outgoings. My disposable income is £120 per month and his is £636 per month.
    This jumped out at me rather - if you each pay half the bills why are your outgoings higher?  Be very clearheaded about avoiding the trap of calling your spending 'outgoings' and his 'disposable'.

    The bills in terms of utilities. I have two hefty loans. He does not want to combine our salaries and debts to split the disposable income between us. As it stands only I am on the deeds and I have owned my home for 10 years. He refused to sign a pre-nup and I didn’t pursue it when we found out about his mother.  
    The longer you are married for, the less this is going to matter. After a few years then it’ll all end up in the marital pot regardless of whose name is on the deeds. 
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
  • Hi
    How do you each spend your "disposable income" ?
    If you both operate on the basis of putting 50/50 into everything then on the face of it he could afford meals out / takeaways, holidays etc whereas you'd not be able to keep up.
    Does he have an expensive hobby that he uses his money for? 
    Or in reality are you both sharing your disposable income ?
    You want him to buy £40k's worth of your house off you so he has some equity in the house & you can pay off your debts but he wants you to give him £10k back so he can pay off his debts ? Doing this just transfers debts between yourselves & may cost you in arrangement fees, interest etc
    You should be both reviewing all your debts & figuring out the best way to pay them off. Does one have a higher interest rate attached so get rid of that one first.

    Jen
  • Spendless
    Spendless Posts: 24,143 Forumite
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    edited 7 January 2022 at 2:13PM
    To me you've got married because his Mum was terminally ill so she could see you (understandable) but without a great deal of thought to how marriage changes things from a legal point of view financially . As already said the longer the marriage the less it will matter that the property was originally 'yours'. Unless there's been a recent (ish) change pre nups weren't legally binding in England (not sure about rest of Uk) though they might be taken into account.

    You need a frank discussion about money, all incoming and outgoings and agree on a strategy together on how you are going to make this work.  
  • pinkshoes
    pinkshoes Posts: 20,076 Forumite
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    As he is paying half the mortgage then even if you split up now, he would probably be able to claim half the equity increase since he started paying...

    Financial compatibility is something that is VERY important in a marriage, and is often the cause of marriage failure.

    You and your husband need to sit down and speak to each other and discuss a way to move forward with finances. How much is your debt and how much is his debt? 
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

    No, I am not perfect, but yes I do judge people on their use of basic English language. If you didn't know the above, then learn it! (If English is your second language, then you are forgiven!)
  • gwynlas
    gwynlas Posts: 1,693 Forumite
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    If he refused a prenup and money is already causing arguments are you happy in this marriage?
    Hindsight is a wonderful thing. His contributing to the mortgage entitles him to a share of the equity going forward, irrelevant in terms of a long marriage but if you were to divorce sooner rather than later his contributions might be considered to be the equivalent of rent that he would have to pay wherever he resided. Would the 30K clear your loans and leave you with comptable disposable income? Are you planning on having a family?
  • I think all this should be for sure been agreed on before getting married after 11 months of knowing him. 

    I don't mean that to sound patronising but all to often we see on here couples arguing over things and growing resentment due to things that are basic pre wedding discussions
    With love, POSR <3
  • Malthusian
    Malthusian Posts: 10,931 Forumite
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    Spendless said:
    To me you've got married because his Mum was terminally ill so she could see you (understandable) but without a great deal of thought to how marriage changes things from a legal point of view financially . As already said the longer the marriage the less it will matter that the property was originally 'yours'. Unless there's been a recent (ish) change pre nups weren't legally binding in England (not sure about rest of Uk) though they might be taken into account.
    For the purpose the OP wanted (getting married without enjoining their finances, i.e. getting married without getting married) they wouldn't work.
    You can't sign away your rights for nothing in common law. That means that a pre-nup along the lines of "If we divorce, I keep my house and you keep your pension" might be taken into account by the courts (if the house and the pension are still a fair split and meet the divorcing spouses' needs and the needs of any children etc). A pre-nup along the lines of "If we divorce I keep all my money" would not.
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