Constant arguments over money

Lorandee

My partner and I met whilst he was going through a messy divorce and he subsequently went into an IVA. He is a high earner but they were hit by the flop in property market Nd had loans etc. I had my own house which had about £80k equity in it at the time. He has always said he does not want to own my house. My house is mine and his pension is his. He is protective over the pension as his wife took £60k of it on their divorce.  We have always had seperate accounts due to his financial history. We have been together for 10 years. We have 3 children and he has 2 other children who are now adults and live with their mother. 
When we had the kids I went on a career break for 5 years and we lived off his wage. My mortgage is low. Less than £300 a month. I've now started earning again £1500 a month. So basically he has been income rich and I property rich which I thought makes a great partnership. He just can't get over the house not being 'ours' he recently took out  £17k loan without telling me. When I asked him about it he said we are financially seperate so its not my concern. I'm not sure what I'm even asking for but does anyone have a similar setup with their partner and are we condemned to arguing all of the time? He's just reduced his hours and shaved about £1000 off his monthly income so where he was paying 2/3 of the bills so should he now pay less due to him reducing his hours without even consulting me because its 'his income? 

Pollycat

There has been many threads on here about how other members manage their finances.
What partners feel acceptable between them is how finances should work.

FTR, my OH and I have been together for many years.
Over those years, one or the other has been the highest earner (we worked in similar jobs).
When we first met, I was asset rich with a house with a tiny mortgage. He earned 3 times my salary.
That house was sold and the equity put towards a house together. Some of his investments also went into the deposit.
I retired first with a good pension.
He retired a couple of years later with his occupational pension not payable for almost 10 years.
My state pension was payable first.

We have had joint finances for many years.
It works for us.

In the situation you describe neither of us would have taken out a substantial loan (what does he need £17k for?) or cut our working hours without discussing it with the other first.

Especially after 10 years together and 3 children.

london21

The major issue I see is lack of communication.

Money sometimes make things complicated.

He should have informed you about the loan and cutting his hours.

It might be he has now changed his mind and wants a property of his own or jointly.
It could also be that because you went from not earning career break to now earning £1500 he wants you to contribute more towards the bills.

Communication and trust will need to be established. 

Keep_pedalling

This could get very messy, as he has contributed to paying your mortgage for a number of years he has a legitimate claim to a financial interest in your house, while you have no claim on his assets such as his pension. 

It might be wise to have a proper discussion re the house ownership and what a fair split should be  so it could be formalised though a deed of trust. 

Do you both have wills in place? If not why not?

sammyjammy

You use the term partner?  Are you married?

CottonTail

Unfortunately money sounds like the least of the worries in this relationship. It sounds like all forms of communication and trust have broken down, now replaced with contempt.
Do you still want to be in this relationship of do you stay because of the kids/financial position?
What was the loan for? Do you know if he has any other debts?
The easy solution is that is you trusted this person you would both be happy to merge finances, but it would seem that there is a big wedge between your lives and I think relationship counselling is the first port of call here.

Lorandee

sammyjammy said:

You use the term partner?  Are you married?

No we are not married 

Lorandee

Pollycat said:

There has been many threads on here about how other members manage their finances.
What partners feel acceptable between them is how finances should work.

FTR, my OH and I have been together for many years.
Over those years, one or the other has been the highest earner (we worked in similar jobs).
When we first met, I was asset rich with a house with a tiny mortgage. He earned 3 times my salary.
That house was sold and the equity put towards a house together. Some of his investments also went into the deposit.
I retired first with a good pension.
He retired a couple of years later with his occupational pension not payable for almost 10 years.
My state pension was payable first.

We have had joint finances for many years.
It works for us.

In the situation you describe neither of us would have taken out a substantial loan (what does he need £17k for?) or cut our working hours without discussing it with the other first.

Especially after 10 years together and 3 children.

Thanks for your reply. He said it was so he had the money to buy a decent car when his lease runs out as he plans on reducing his hours before then.

Lorandee

london21 said:

The major issue I see is lack of communication.

Money sometimes make things complicated.

He should have informed you about the loan and cutting his hours.

It might be he has now changed his mind and wants a property of his own or jointly.
It could also be that because you went from not earning career break to now earning £1500 he wants you to contribute more towards the bills.

Communication and trust will need to be established. 

Thanks for your reply. I think the problem stems from when we met he had been married for nearly 30 years and they had a high income and spent their money. Had a 5 bed detached house on an interest only mortgage and then the prices crashed as they divorced so I've always been very protective of my equity as he's never had any. I am frugal and only ever spend on the kids. His  ex wife tried to financially ruin him, didn't handle the split well at all. Tried to make him bankrupt. So he finds it hard to trust. When we got engaged we always said we would sign pre nups so he gets to keep his pension i get to keep my house. He's always sad he doesnt want to own any part of my house. As soon as I started earning everything I earned went into the family/house and I've been left with spending money of £200 irrespective of if I worked or not. We don't even talk about getting married anymore I think the financial diggerences could split us up in the end which devastates me as we do love eachother. 

Lorandee

Keep_pedalling said:

This could get very messy, as he has contributed to paying your mortgage for a number of years he has a legitimate claim to a financial interest in your house, while you have no claim on his assets such as his pension. 

It might be wise to have a proper discussion re the house ownership and what a fair split should be  so it could be formalised though a deed of trust. 

Do you both have wills in place? If not why not?

Thanks for your reply. When we first got together due to his IVA we got N agreement drawn up with  solicitor to say he had no equitable interest. After that we did have kids and I got maternity pay which always covered the mortgage. There was only about 1 year when my income was zero as I got a part time job in the evenings whilst on my main career break. This wage would have covered the mortgage. We have had to come to the decision to be seperate financially but it just doesn't feel like a relationship anymore. I don't know what the answer is. As it stands I now have slightly more money than him coming in which I will only spend on the kids and he has said he won't contribute to any maintainamce costs on the house as its 'my house' 

Lorandee

CottonTail said:

Unfortunately money sounds like the least of the worries in this relationship. It sounds like all forms of communication and trust have broken down, now replaced with contempt.
Do you still want to be in this relationship of do you stay because of the kids/financial position?
What was the loan for? Do you know if he has any other debts?
The easy solution is that is you trusted this person you would both be happy to merge finances, but it would seem that there is a big wedge between your lives and I think relationship counselling is the first port of call here.

Thanks for your reply. I agree and contempt and resentment have taken over. Would it be fair for me to hand over the equity in my house when he has no assets other than a pension which he can't access yet? My parents helped me onto the property ladder and I know they would be mortified if I did that. It was him who said from the start he doesnt want his name on the house and its only in recent years he's started talking about owning part of it and buying in, then me using the money to buy a rental property. All he pays is the percentage of the joint bills and he gets to live in effect rent free forever. I just can't see the problem. I do love him but we actually disagree on most things, I think we woukd be failing the children if we split due to this.