Supplementary school

Rachna_83

Both kids attend a local mosque for classes in the evening. Me and ex are separated and he originally paid the fees but stopped paying last year. He refuses to contribute for half either saying CMS covers it. Now I have taken over the fees and have settled the arrears and pay monthly. Last week it was parents evening and he had the children that day so he attended I have had mine on a separate day. Kids were a bit put out that they had to attend twice with each parent. Going forward would it be unreasonable of me to say to the mosque that I only attend parents evening since he doesn't contribute to the fees and have his contact details etc removed?

Malthusian

It would be more reasonable to say to him that the kids shouldn't have to attend parents' evening twice, and suggest that either you take on the job, or (if he insists on taking part) you can take turns.

If you are happy for him to have some form of custody then him going to parents' evening seems like an extremely minor issue; he is involved in their education and upbringing whether he goes to parents' evening or not. And going over his head and trying to get the mosque to exclude him from his childrens' education, without talking about it like grown-ups first, seems like provoking a row over an extremely minor issue.

elsien

It’s less about the OP being happy with the ex having some form of custody, as you put it, than shared parental responsibility being the default unless there’s a very good reason why not, 
Both parents could, for the sake of their child, put their differences aside and attend together? 

Rachna_83

Thanks for your comments. Unfortunately my ex is very difficult and having any sort of adult discussion is impossible let alone attend parents evening together.
I think my gripe is that he refuses to pay any contribution towards the children's fees but wants an input anyway. 

tacpot12

Rachna_83 said:

Thanks for your comments. Unfortunately my ex is very difficult and having any sort of adult discussion is impossible let alone attend parents evening together.
I think my gripe is that he refuses to pay any contribution towards the children's fees but wants an input anyway. 

An unreasonable person is always going to be unreasonable.

I think that it is reasonable on your part to expect that the Mosque, who you are paying, prioritises your access to the teachers if there is a parents evening.

One way to manage the situation in future is to arrange that you have the children on days when there is a parents evening. Another is to go to the Mosque on the night of parents evening even if it is not your day to have the children; you are still paying for their education and I can't see the Mosque turning you away. Really, they should be helping both of you to co-parent your children, and if that means calming him down so that you can both attending the same parents evening, they should be providing this leadership to him, and setting their expectations as to how a religious person should be behave.  

elsien

How does it work for parents evening at school? 

Penguin_

Rachna_83 said:

Thanks for your comments. Unfortunately my ex is very difficult and having any sort of adult discussion is impossible let alone attend parents evening together.
I think my gripe is that he refuses to pay any contribution towards the children's fees but wants an input anyway. 

Is he paying the full amount of CMS? If so then I guess it is your decision for your kids to continue the classes? 

I mean I know you say he is unreasonable but he does seem to be making the effort to attend parents evening so it can't be all that bad.

Malthusian

Rachna_83 said:

Thanks for your comments. Unfortunately my ex is very difficult and having any sort of adult discussion is impossible let alone attend parents evening together.

Then the obvious solution is to take turns.

If you think him going to parents' evening is going to disrupt your childrens' religious education then you have much bigger problems than parents' evening. Anything he does he could easily do while he has them at home.

If you don't want to miss out on being kept in the loop, you could ask the teachers if you could be updated via phone or email afterwards. As they are willing to do 2x parent-teacher meetings, they should be willing to do 1x parent-teacher meeting and one phone call, and it still solves the problem that the children (understandably) don't want to sit through 2.

tacpot12 said:

Another is to go to the Mosque on the night of parents evening even if it is not your day to have the children; you are still paying for their education and I can't see the Mosque turning you away.

Maybe not the first time. But we already know the father won't take part in a parents' evening with Rachna (otherwise a much better solution would be to simply suggest to him they both turn up). So there are three possible outcomes to the OP turning up unannounced and plonking herself in a chair on the other side of the children: 1) the father will leave in a huff 2) the OP will leave in a huff 3) they have a blazing row until the imams throw them both out.

The second time they would probably be more reluctant to let the other parent in.

Rachna_83

Thanks for all your comments. In terms of school parent evenings the kids are at mosque so we each attend separately.
Next time I think if I don't have the kids that day I will simply arrange another day and not take the kids with. A conversation needs to be had about this I agree so it works vice versa.
He is a good parent but just believes that the CMS he pays should cover everything. Co parenting is Impossible as he refuses to even look at me or be in the same room as me so all communication is via text/email.

rach_k

Well, does the child support cover everything (and if not, have you shown him how it doesn't)?

Perhaps you could write down exactly what it covers - be specific e.g. divide your household bills by a third (assuming there are three of you at your house), take a monthly average of all your clothes spending for the last year, include school trips etc - and then share it with him.  If the amount he pays isn't enough to cover half of the classes, ask him whether he is willing to pay half or whether the children should stop going.  Make it clear that if they go, you will BOTH be paying half of it from your personal, non-child support money.  If he says they should stop it, you can then decide whether you pay it all yourself and he doesn't get to go to parents' evening, or whether you just cancel it.  Perhaps calling his bluff and cancelling it would make him reconsider whether he's willing to pay.  

74jax

Is it your choice they do the extra at the mosque or is he insisting they go too? 

Is it an option to stop, or are you tied in? If finances do not allow for private mosque payments, it makes sense to stop rather than get into debt.