Funeral etiquette

Mark7799

Good morning, looking for opinions on a situation I have found myself in.

Someone I knew a long time ago but lost touch with has recently passed away. His funeral is next week, owing to another commitment I can’t make the funeral but could attend the wake later in the day. Is it bad form to attend a wake if you didn’t actually go to the funeral? I knew the person but they were nowhere near a close relative to justify me getting out of the other commitment. Just wondering what the etiquette is in these situations.

Thanks for all opinions .

boldaslove

Hi Mark,

Sorry for your loss. Speaking from personal experience here - I lost my mum a few years ago and in all honesty the funeral was a blur so I didn’t keep track of who came to which part. I was just grateful that people showed up. It’s unlikely the family will notice that you’ve come to one part and not the other, there’s just too much going on. I have no idea who came to my mum’s service apart from my immediate family. The wake is usually the more joyful part anyway where you truly celebrate the person  

If the family are accepting flowers you could send some to the service to show you’re there in spirit, or people often donate to a fund in the persons memory (as we requested). We set up a fundraising page in advance of my mum’s funeral and found a lot of comfort in reading the lovely messages people had written. 

I wouldn’t overthink it. I’m sure your friends family will be grateful for any time you can spare on that day.

emmajones1976

^^^^^this

I carried my grans coffin into the crem in 2019. I couldnt have told you anything about who the people were who were sat in the building behind me.

gwynlas

Going along on the day to pay your respects tto the family at the wake is a very good idea, you just aologise that you had committments that prevented you atending the actual service no one will think any less of you.

gettingtheresometime

gwynlas said:

Going along on the day to pay your respects tto the family at the wake is a very good idea, you just aologise that you had committments that prevented you atending the actual service no one will think any less of you.

personally I think if the OP did decide to go the wake afterwards but couldn't go to the actual service, it would be better not to say nothing than what you're suggesting.

Mark7799

Thanks all, valid points. I will try and get to the wake. 

Sea_Shell

Maybe plan to eat beforehand (or after) if a buffet is provided.

I once went to a funeral when a larger than expected number came to the wake (church was heaving), and some of the close family missed out on any food as they hadn't catered for that many and it was like a plague of locusts descending when the food was brought out!!

Alternatively, wait until the buffet is almost finished, before taking any.

Sandtree

Mark7799 said:

Someone I knew a long time ago but lost touch with has recently passed away. 

Presumably you were directly invited not a friend of a friend or seeing the announcement?

Do you know his close family well? At all?

Why do you want to go?

Maybe I'm an emotional stone but have only been to three funerals thankfully, my fathers just before my 14th and my uncles & a colleagues both a couple of years ago. Certainly cannot remember every detail, particularly from the one a couple of decades ago, but certainly remember a fair amount of both my family ones but very little of the colleague where we didnt know any of his family or friends etc (knew of them but never met them before). We did the service, briefly went to the 

If you want to go, go. If you want to eat eat. If you know/knew the family well maybe more worth going. If you dont want to go, he/she won't know.

Funerals are for the living.

Being of irish decent though a wake is held before the funeral, normally with the body present, and so if you've been invited to the wake just make sure its is the after funeral party and not the pre funeral vigil - very different things but a lot of alcohol at both in our family tradition anyway.

Torry_Quine

It wouldn't have been a issue for me if someone had come to the wake after my husband's funeral but hadn't made the funeral. The wake though was right after the funeral in the church hall. 

Pollycat

My Mum passed away recently.

Some people attended the service at the crem but didn't come to the wake.
Some people came to the wake but didn't go to the crem (probably because of location).

I was grateful to all who attended.

pollypenny

It's usual in Wales to go to funerals of people you know to pay respects, but not necessary back to any reception afterwards, as these were often at home and for those who were close. Hence I'd never heard of inviting anyone to a funeral. 

I'm very wary about going to receptions in hotels, pubs etc. They can get expensive, so I suppose that's why there are now invitations.