Mum needs care but I'm totally lost - can anyone help?

kayleighali

I have been through this now with a few family members.

First step is to speak to the ward staff - this is usually better done face-to-face but with Covid this may not be possible - and highlight your concerns highlighting the fact that you will be picking up with social work.
Secondly, contact the social work department of your local council, they will be the first step and will complete an assessment judging what assistance she needs - this can range from a fall pendant to carers coming in (bear in mind, depending on her financial situation there may be a cost associated). Social work will also take into account the views of the physio - as @Mojisola has said, their view may be that she is unfit to return home, this was the case with my grandmother aswell.

Another thing to consider is Power of Attorney. You may already have this in place but if not, do so as soon as possible. This will ensure that you have a say in what happens to your mother going forward and not the Local Authority.

Unfortunately, things do tend to move fast, take notes of everything so you can refer back. Another thing to remember is that what your mother wants may not be what's best for her, this is sometimes the most difficult bit. When my grandmother was waiting to go into a nursing home, she was insistent that she didn't want to and 'would just drag herself along the floor' when she fell...obviously this wasn't a solution to anything but as my late mum and I had PoA we were able to step in and do what was right.

Best of luck with everything cos it really is a difficult situation and you have my every sympathy

Mojisola

kayleighali said:

Another thing to remember is that what your mother wants may not be what's best for her, this is sometimes the most difficult bit. When my grandmother was waiting to go into a nursing home, she was insistent that she didn't want to and 'would just drag herself along the floor' when she fell...obviously this wasn't a solution to anything but as my late mum and I had PoA we were able to step in and do what was right.

Dad wasn't able to walk, even with a walking frame, from his bed to the toilet without falling (the urine infection had caused a major deterioration in his abilities) and the ward sister said that, if they discharged Dad back home, he would be back within 24 hours after falling and most likely with additional injuries.  Sometimes, other people do know what's best for you.  

heartbreak_star

Wow. 

Apparently if she can manage stairs, they're sending her home today. No extra care or support.

I am livid and will absolutely be saying something later.

HBS x

Savvy_Sue

heartbreak_star said:

Wow. 

Apparently if she can manage stairs, they're sending her home today. No extra care or support.

I am livid and will absolutely be saying something later.

HBS x

Well, here's hoping she can't manage stairs ...

Savvy_Sue

heartbreak_star said:

I also have crushing feelings of guilt that I can't fix her or make her eat or drink or walk, and there's also the fact that I am not trained to care for her, and I have a career I'm not willing to give up for which I feel like a bad daughter. I'm terrified that when she has her needs assessment she'll minimise how she's feeling so as to "not be a bother to the nice people" and say "I just ring my daughter if I need anything"...what can I do from the office 45 miles away?

If you've made it this far, thank you. Any advice would be massively appreciated.

Guilt really is the most gut-wrenching of emotions, isn't it? And it's also absolutely useless. OK, sometimes someone might feel guilty about something and make a useful change as a result, but the thing is, there are times when WHATEVER you do will not be enough, and this is one of them. 

Please, try to accept that you cannot fix your mum - and I LOVE the phrase "of mostly sound and grumpy mind" - and nor can anyone else. You are NOT a bad daughter. And yes, she probably will minimise how she's feeling and how she manages, but you can have input too. Make sure the ward knows that you are NOT on hand, that she does NOT have help available once she goes home, that she is NOT moving in with you and you are NOT moving in with her, no matter how bad it gets. 

I've seen a pendant suggested - they are great, but only if she agrees to wear it. ;-) Also you may find that the first response is to phone you (they will ask for a certain no. of contacts) and you may need to be firm that you are an hour away, and if your mother has fallen and can't get up then paramedics are needed. You may need to persuade your mother to fit a keysafe to give access as well. 

Mojisola

heartbreak_star said:

Wow. 

Apparently if she can manage stairs, they're sending her home today. No extra care or support.

I am livid and will absolutely be saying something later.

HBS x

That's shocking.

You may be able to get emergency help through the Red Cross which would give you time to sort out more permanent help.

www.redcross.org.uk/get-help/get-support-at-home

heartbreak_star

Sue, I'm praying she can't manage the stairs and that is such a horrible thing to say but it's for her own safety! I will absolutely be emphasising I am NOT "on hand".

I will try the Red Cross, Mojisola. They must be desperate for beds in the hospital she's currently in.

HBS x

heartbreak_star

Also Kayleigh I'm so sorry you've been through that but your advice is fantastic. So many thanks

HBS x

kayleighali

heartbreak_star said:

Wow. 

Apparently if she can manage stairs, they're sending her home today. No extra care or support.

I am livid and will absolutely be saying something later.

HBS x

It's so frustrating isn't it?! Again, we went through all this and we ended up putting a complaint in with the hospital and getting it reviewed. I'd imagine all that will be harder at the moment as, as you say, they will probably need the beds with the current situation.

All I can advise is don't be afraid to make your voice heard. I know some people will back down a bit on the advice of doctors (not saying you will) but forget that the doctors only see the patient for such a short time that they may not always make the best long term assessment. Not to be ageist either, but older people tend to put their best face on when speaking to the doctors aswell, especially if it means getting what they want. We had it with my gran and they were ready to discharge her when she actually fell in the hospital toilet and broke her pelvis, needless to say she wasn't discharged in a hurry after that! No blame on the doctors or nurses there - they were simply taking her word that she was absolutely fine and could manage no bother at all, when the reality was far from the truth!

elsien

Just want to add with regards to the power of attorney, if she has capacity for the relevant decisions then you can only use it with her consent. If she decides she’s going home, and it’s a sound but unwise decision, there isn’t a legal way of preventing her.
She needs a Care Act needs assessment, but again if she has capacity around her care and support needs then it’s her decision as to whether to accept one or not.
That will help to identify her current support needs, and and gaps -home OT assessment, etc, - and see what can be put in place to support her. If she’s going to be a self funder then she’ll be paying for any help but at least you will know everything has been looked at that should be. Direct referral to adult social care, via the hospital social worker while she’s still in there or via the local authority if she’s home. 

If it’s not too late, you can also contact the hospital ward manager to say you feel it’s an unsafe discharge.