Mum needs care but I'm totally lost - can anyone help?

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Hi all, buckle in, this might be a long one!

Bit of background - I'm an only child (age 42), I live 15 miles away from my mum (age 75 but with rhuematoid arthritis and other issues), and I work full-time about 30 miles away from home. My father passed away ten years ago. I have power of attorney for mum.

My mum had a fall a week ago in her bedroom, and she couldn't get to the phone. I found her because myself and her friend couldn't get hold of her so I rushed over, she was stuck behind her bedroom door and an ambulance took her to emergency care. She was there for 5 days, and was moved to a rehab ward two days ago. No breakages occurred in the fall, but it has brought to light a chest infection, some blood sugar issues, and a few other bits and pieces. This is not her first fall but she can usually pull herself up.

She's of mostly sound and grumpy mind - she had a physio assessment yesterday morning but rang me to complain that she'd had no physio yet in the afternoon. I'm not sure if this is her just being a bit muddled up or wanting to accelerate her discharge. She seems to think she'll be back in her house by the weekend. I've asked the nurses but they just say she's getting on OK.

She can't get out of bed without help, is in a lot of pain, falls when walking even with a stick, and is often urinary incontinent. She is also type 2 diabetic, but "never fancies food" (it should be noted that she will happily eat crisps and biscuits, and was very hard on me as a child and on my dad about weight so she sometimes sees eating tiny amounts as a badge of honour). Her mental health's not been great since her dogs passed away last year, she has been medicated for poor MH but refused to take it and hung up on her therapist when they kept running through the checklist that they're obliged to run through.

Where do I go from here? Will they tell me in advance what will be happening with her? Can I rent her a property in retirement housing without having to be referred by social services - I have no issue renting out or selling her house for this? I think a lot of her issues come from lack of social contact - she sees me and her friends a couple of times a week but I'm not sure it's enough. She refuses to learn to use the internet.

I also have crushing feelings of guilt that I can't fix her or make her eat or drink or walk, and there's also the fact that I am not trained to care for her, and I have a career I'm not willing to give up for which I feel like a bad daughter. I'm terrified that when she has her needs assessment she'll minimise how she's feeling so as to "not be a bother to the nice people" and say "I just ring my daughter if I need anything"...what can I do from the office 45 miles away?

If you've made it this far, thank you. Any advice would be massively appreciated.

Cheers,
HBS x

KxMx

Your immediate concern should be speak to the ward staff (they probably have a social worker) and make your concerns known to them in full, rather than just asking how she's getting on. 

You could also contact her social services dept at local council for advice, Mum being able to fund any move will make things a lot smoother. 

If Mum does go home you can get her a pendant alarm so she won't need to reach the phone should she fall again and be unable to move. 

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Thank you KxMx  

I think I'm just in a flap that everything is moving so fast and she might want me to move in with her. I can't, and I won't. I have my own life and as much as I love and adore her we'd kill each other if I were her carer.

I will talk to the ward staff later on, but I thought Social Services had to deal with her not me? I might give them a call anyway. Pendant alarm is my first thought if she does end up at home...

HBS x

kazwookie

May be an idea to investigate carers going in to her house one /twice/ three times a day, to do personal care, meals etc.

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Thank you Kaz I think that might be a reasonable place to start in all honesty.

HBS x

arielsmelody

I hope you and your mum are OK - in my experience, the stage where a parent starts to need some help can be the most difficult.

It was a couple of years ago, and in Wales, but when my dad came out of hospital he was assigned a team of carers to come and visit him once a day for six weeks. It didn't solve all the problems, but they were lovely and it did help.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/care-after-a-hospital-stay/care-after-illness-or-hospital-discharge-reablement/

He also had a social worker assigned, and he was loaned equipment like a hospital bed and other laids. Because of circumstances this was arranged via district nurses, so I'm not sure of the route it would normally be done - keep asking questions, and do lots of research to make sure you find all the help that's out there. He also had a pendant alarm.

A private carer once a day or more to help with personal care sounds like a good idea. Ready meals like Oakhouse foods might help, or ask around if there are any meals on wheels type services in your area.

Although social services will want your mum to be involved, I've never had any problem speaking to them on a parent's behalf - they know that even if the vulnerable person has capacity to make their own decisions, they will usually need help from family to access support. 

And have a look at websites like the forum for the Alzheimer's Society, RNIB, RNID - not everything will apply for your mum, but especially the forum (https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-talking-point-our-online-community) where the experience of people who are trying to support their family members is very helpful.

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Thank you Ariel, that's fantastic.

I tfeel awful for thinking of myself but part of my fear is being looked on badly because I don't want to be her carer, but I'm pretty sure it's not expected a daughter will give her career up any more haha!

I think I'll have a chat with social services and see if we can get the ball rolling one way or another. Maybe if she can be helped downstairs of a morning and upstairs to bed at night it won't be so difficult, we can get her a commode downstairs perhaps.

Worth a chat at least

HBS x

seven-day-weekend

Is it possible for her to have a bed downstairs?  My mother has one, but she has two sitting rooms  so she has her bed in one and uses the other as her sitting room.  She has a commode because although she has a downstairs bathroom, she can't access it on her own because there is a step down (she does use it when a carer helps her).  She has three carer visits a day.  She also has a pendant alarm.

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Hi SDW and thanks - I'm pondering that she has a small dining room that might fit a single bed in it, it's open plan with the kitchen so an odd setup but doable haha!

HBS x

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I guess I'm mostly just scared of things moving too fast and a ball being dropped somewhere...

HBS x

Mojisola

When my Dad was in hospital after getting a serious urinary infection, there was a case review with me, the ward sister, a social worker and a physio.  All the medical staff had assessed him and all came to the decision that he wasn't fit to return home (even though he had me and a team of carers looking after him) and needed to go into residential care where he would have 24/7 care. 
As he would be self funding, family members visited several care home to find the one that would suit him best. He settled in well and the staff were brilliant with him - he was happier there than he had been at home despite previously saying that he wouldn't want to go into residential care.