How to thank fiance 5 October 2021 at 8:44PM in Marriage, relationships & families 22 replies 1.9K views

S_Jay

In my past I wasn't in the best place, I was in a very abusive relationship. Me and my ex got in to debt and he left me to it. I was burdened with all these bills. He used to inject me with drugs (There was no choice here it was either get drugged or get beaten up), I had so many broken bones and no money, 

I got out and was coasting, until I met my fiancé. I was sleeping from sofa to soda, I only had a bin bag of clothes and a poor job.

We got together through a friend of a friend and we hit it off straight away, Lockdown happened and we were together, I fell in more love with him. I come clean to him fairly on about everything, He helped me with the drugs, he helped me with my debts (got me on a payment plan) and helped me rebuild my life. 

I have a job now, We got engaged, He has paid the remaining amounts off on my debts and refuses to take any money back, When we had the heating on for the first time I was amazed at how warm the house got, I was used to a blanket on a sofa. I'm so thankful to him, I've been saving up the money I should have paid off my debts in to a savings account. So we can use it at the wedding or whatever, but he refuses to take anything for his help.

How do I thank him? I want to do something that shows I am greatful. he says just seeing me smile is enough!

MovingForwards

Believe me when I say this.

Some blokes are happy seeing us smile and do not require a tangible gift as it doesn't bring them the same pleasure. Listen to him, he knows.

If you really want to do something then cook a meal or take him out for a nice meal and wine. Spending quality time together is heartwarming.

After that the 'debt' you feel is 'owed' has been repaid.

Enjoy your new life.

caprikid1

I suspect waking up next to you everyday, being the last thing he see's at night and sharing everything you have in life is more than payment enough. He will know you are grateful but would not expect you to waste money on trinkets and prefer you continued to save and be sensible with money.

These guys are out there, enjoy the fact you found one.

Mojisola

S_Jay said:

I was in a very abusive relationship.
We got together through a friend of a friend and we hit it off straight away, Lockdown happened and we were together, I fell in more love with him. I come clean to him fairly on about everything, He helped me with the drugs, he helped me with my debts (got me on a payment plan) and helped me rebuild my life. 
I've been saving up the money I should have paid off my debts in to a savings account. So we can use it at the wedding or whatever, but he refuses to take anything for his help.
How do I thank him?

While he might be happy, he should be considering your needs as well.

If you aren't happy and want to treat him to thank him, how hard would it be for him to gracefully accept that?

He sounds like a great guy but have a heart-to-heart with him and make sure he knows how you feel. 

Having come out of an abusive relationship, you probably need to feel like an equal partner in this one.  If his generosity is making you feel like a junior partner who has to feel grateful all the time, that's not healthy for you.

caprikid1

"While he might be happy, he should be considering your needs as well."

Really ? Feels like that is exactly what he has done ? Always someone determined to find a negative spin !

Mojisola

caprikid1 said:

"While he might be happy, he should be considering your needs as well."

Really ? Feels like that is exactly what he has done ? Always someone determined to find a negative spin !

Yes, he's been very helpful with all the practical things and she is very grateful for that. 

People also need their emotional needs to be considered if a relationship is going to succeed longterm.

NBLondon

I think mojisola has a point....  Some guys do like playing the hero/knight in shining armour and if taken to extremes - it can end up as another form of controlling relationship.

So I agree - S_Jay - you do need to try and sit down calmly with him and make the point that you are grateful for the help in getting out of the previous situation but now you are in a better place, working etc. you need to be an equal partner in this relationship and either pay him back or contribute something else.  If he can't accept that you want/need that and isn't listening then he is helping but only on his terms.

Mojisola

caprikid1 said:

"While he might be happy, he should be considering your needs as well."
Really ? Feels like that is exactly what he has done ? Always someone determined to find a negative spin !

Honestly - it's not a negative view.

Marriage relationship counsellors and, sadly, divorce solicitors hear it on a regular basis - confused men who really love their wives saying "But I gave her everything she wanted" (meaning material stuff).  Relationships are built on much more than that and, having found such a wonderful man, it would be a shame if the relationship didn't last because he wasn't really listening to S_Jay telling him that she needed to show her gratitude for his help.

sammyjammy

Keep saving, if things work out you can put it towards something at a future date or into paying a mortgage off or something, if things don't work out you have independence and finances to get you set up.

S_Jay

I was speaking with him and he mentioned about always wanting to go to Seattle and Charlotte (He is a big plane fan and no idea whats there). I have said I will take him there as a thank you. He was in shock I remembered those two places.

He said thats a perfect way to say thank you.

Between us, I have no clue whats in those two places! (I have the money to pay for this without taking any debt on!)

S_Jay

sammyjammy said:

Keep saving, if things work out you can put it towards something at a future date or into paying a mortgage off or something, if things don't work out you have independence and finances to get you set up.

I am also saving money for a rainy day, don't worry