What should maintenance cover?

jennystarpepper

You sound like a really good dad, your children are lucky to have you.

I can only tell you about my partners ex and what he went through.  Firstly please do not give her any extra money, it will never end if you do, you are being emotionally blackmailed for money and it will not stop.  Your children are being abused if she says she will tell them XYZ if you do not give her extra money, what parent tells a child this?  Just tell her to do it, as someone else said she probably gives the children a bad opinion of you anyway.

You have given her extra money for her to keep on the house for your children (my husband did the same) you are paying for lots of extras and it will only get worse.  Tell her you will ask for your payments to be assessed and that she will get less and that you can prove you are paying for extras for the children.

When our older child (my step) went to uni. and the CSA reduced payments we had a letter about the 2nd child everyday for about 2 weeks with demands for more money, 2nd child had been ill and missed time here, because this then fell 1 day short of XX days spent here, she rang the CSA telling them she wanted £XX per week more , it was the same day the child became ill, the CSA told us this happens every time a reduction is made.

Our oldest child told his dad that his mother had been asking for  his (dad)  new telephone number (both children over 16) to make more demands, oldest told her 'you and dad split 13 years ago and to give it a rest'.  Please note that my husband put his ex through uni. and was earning double what he was earning, when people demand money it is because of greed.  

If she has a partner living with her then they will be making a contribution to the bills,  not paying for your children, but cutting house hold costs / bills for your ex, demands for more money happened as soon as husbands ex had her boyfriend move in.  

Please stand your ground, if you feel like you need too then put the money you save in an account in your name, and do not tell the children and then you can give them it when you feel the time is right in the future (the less the ex knows about savings for them the better).  

Again you sound like a great dad, but I think this is why she is taking advantage of you.  
  

skemp1

Awwww thanks a lot @jennystarpepper

I just try my best for the kids, like we all do I guess. 

We have not gone through the CSA, always done the calculator, printed off the results and supplied my P60 for proof, it just sours the entire thing, every time I see her whatsapps I feel dread. 

She says things like this:

"At some point you will have to contribute towards some of those expenses (referring to the climbing club and girl guides that she booked) as I can't afford to be funding everything for our daughters development"

And

"And school clubs and other expenses are still YOURS and MINE responsibility. You are the father so I do not have a responsibility to fund EVERYTHING regarding our kids life. It's a joint responsibility so digest that in your head.

Child maintenance is for food, house bills and clothes. Please note I have also done my research and gathered some advice regarding this matter.

I cannot legally make you to contribute towards those extra expenses and I am not going to waste my life trying to make you understand that that all the extras are NOT covered by the child maintenance!! It's your choice not to contribute towards yours daughter's clubs. And XXXXX will know that.

So I can now tell you that any future school trips that the kids will have a choice to go to...you pay half and I pay half or the kids will be sadly excluded since I cannot afford to keep paying for EVERYTHING other than what's included in child maintenance.

So that's where where I am."

 This is what I get. 

Spendless

She seems to be missing that you are paying in full for your son's extra curricular activities. Where is her half of the contribution to that? If she wants you to be going 50/50 each that should apply to each child. Have you tried pointing that out? 

She's also contradicting herself saying 'child maintenance is for food, house bills and clothes, I have done some research regarding this  then 'I can't legally make you pay towards those extra expenses' 

There's no legal definition of what maintenance should cover. 

ZaSa1418

skemp1 said:

Awwww thanks a lot @jennystarpepper

I just try my best for the kids, like we all do I guess. 

We have not gone through the CSA, always done the calculator, printed off the results and supplied my P60 for proof, it just sours the entire thing, every time I see her whatsapps I feel dread. 

She says things like this:

"At some point you will have to contribute towards some of those expenses (referring to the climbing club and girl guides that she booked) as I can't afford to be funding everything for our daughters development"

And

"And school clubs and other expenses are still YOURS and MINE responsibility. You are the father so I do not have a responsibility to fund EVERYTHING regarding our kids life. It's a joint responsibility so digest that in your head.

Child maintenance is for food, house bills and clothes. Please note I have also done my research and gathered some advice regarding this matter.

I cannot legally make you to contribute towards those extra expenses and I am not going to waste my life trying to make you understand that that all the extras are NOT covered by the child maintenance!! It's your choice not to contribute towards yours daughter's clubs. And XXXXX will know that.

So I can now tell you that any future school trips that the kids will have a choice to go to...you pay half and I pay half or the kids will be sadly excluded since I cannot afford to keep paying for EVERYTHING other than what's included in child maintenance.

So that's where where I am."

 This is what I get. 

you should reply to her and say these simple words:

'If you can not afford for daughter to attend after school activities then stop signing her up for them and expecting me to cover the costs.'

You are not her personal bank account

jennystarpepper

It's never going to easy, but for your own sanity don't give in.

You should remind her that trying to  blackmail you is not going to help our 'daughters development', especially as she is using it to get money from you by involving the children.

Maybe you should tell her you will go through calculated maintenance and she will get that and nothing else, sometimes a bully has to be made to stop their behaviour.  The money she get's should cover everything, it is up to you if you decide to help with extras, you are more than reasonable with what you give / offer.  

Do you have any friends who you can talk to who are in a similar situation, it can sometimes help, I asked my single mum friends if we had been going about things the right way, they all said they wished their children had been so well looked after.  

What is wrong with your children being taught other life skills, cooking, games which involve numbers or letters and reading, all good life development skills which are cheap.

Just keep telling yourself you are doing a good job, maybe from now on give her 2 options, have what she gets calculated or be happy with what she gets, it might be a while before she runs out of gas but she will have to give up if you stick to your guns, she is trying to grind you down.

Keep her messages as proof of how she acts, don't respond to them, unless it is something making arrangements for the children, ignore and do not answer any of them as this is what she wants.

You know you are doing a good job or you would not be upset. 

KxMx

If she does carry out her threats and tell the children then a reply to them along the lines of

"yes it's true I cannot afford to pay for A. I pay for XYZ as that is what my budget allows for. Would you like a think about what you really like doing and consider making some choices about what to keep and what not to keep?"

Your children themselves sound like they have a good grasp on money so I'm sure will understand and it would be a good lesson for them. 

sammyjammy

How about you work out half of all the activities and contribute that, then it doesn't matter who is funding which activity because overall its 50-50 and then any decisions for new clubs etc can be jointly agreed. She sounds like a real piece of work,  How old are your children?  Old enough to sit down and have a conversation about the money side of things, not to put them up against their mum but so they can understand should she come out with her diatribe about you.