What should maintenance cover?

ZaSa1418

He could be old school and get her to sign a receipt every time he gives her cash 

bargainbetty

Start paying by bank transfer? 

Ms_Chocaholic

Clearchem said:

Ms_Chocaholic said:

 I understand that if she makes a claim through the CSA [cms] then the period before the date the claim is made is not considered.

This is correct but the arrears arise due to the delays eg: case opened 01/11/21, cms gets in touch 23/11 for details then publishes assessment 28/12. Arrives by letter (as it does) after new year 2022. Cash is paid on 02/11,02/12 and 02/01. No proof of this so there are 3 months of arrears already. Even though paying parent has paid. Against a 508 a month liability that s 1524 to pay twice - over 3k

Yes I understand that and thank you for clarifying, however it would have been helpful if you had explained that in your first post as OP could have mistakenly taken the view that this applied for all of the maintenance payments he has made which could be several years and in the tens of thousands of pounds and that is not the case.

skemp1

Thanks for all your responses. 

I have tried to explain what I think (and many others think) maintenance should cover and it is she is still wanting more (of course) and threatening to tell the kids about me not paying enough to give them what they want/need.

I actually sat down and worked out all the expenses I pay that do not fall under the £600 a month maintenance and it comes to £150 + a month for phones, Xbox subscriptions and clubs I do contribute to.

Also, I bought a winter coat for my boy this week because he needed them and paid half for my daughters passport.

Of course my ex wasn't interested in hearing about that either and said if I won't pay half for school trips the kids won't get to go and she will tell the kids its because of me. 

I do not give her cash, sorry. It is a BACS transfer every month.  

theoretica

The CMS calculation is of course the minimum and it sounds like your kids are getting more than a minimal lifestyle and activities - which is good, but will indeed be more expensive than the minimum.

I would encourage you to look carefully at what you pay for each child - and their emotional relationship to it.  To make sure they will both feel equal in terms of what you are doing for them that is 'fun' - rather than the equally expensive stuff they will see as boring. 

skemp1

I mean I pay for keyboard lessons for my little girl, which she loves. I also pay half for the extra maths tuition that isn't much fun for her! Ha! We spend time together learning new songs and we have a good laugh whilst we do it.

I have them on average 3 nights a week you see. 

My boy I completely fund his football and the airsoft sessions he likes to do, fun things I guess. I actually do the football with him and have tried the airsoft, but it hurts! 

Then I give them £40 a month in pocket money between them, although if they want any expensive clothes/shoes they have to contribute a bit towards it themselves. They have GoHenry cards (that I setup), so they are in control of their own money.

They have tasks they have to complete to get that money though and I have been known to take some off for bad behavior and leaving their rooms or the house in a mess. 

Then I pay for the Xbox game pass things for both of them every month and the mobile phone data. 

It is great to think emotionally about things, and I am a very in tune with that with my kids. But I also have to think about what I can afford to pay and what is fair. 

In the divorce settlement in 2019 I gave her £30k in cash and paid £30k off the mortgage so she could keep the house on and the kids keep stable in the family home and stay at the same schools.

I left the marriage with nothing material and lived in a 2 bedroomed flat for 3 years. The only thing I had was the business, which partly generates the maintenance. I had a tough year last year business-wise with the pandemic and revenue was down a bit so I had to cut the maintenance down a bit as things were starting to be a struggle. Lets just say that also this was not very popular.  

If this sounds like a sob story it isn't, I would do the same again for my children and even for my ex-wife as without her I couldn't of succeeded with the business. I am aware of and respsect that. 

I do however feel that I am just a cash-cow at times. Since her partner moved in 6 months ago it seems to have got worse. 



 

Mojisola

skemp1 said:

The only thing I had was the business, which partly generates the maintenance. I had a tough year last year business-wise with the pandemic and revenue was down a bit so I had to cut the maintenance down a bit as things were starting to be a struggle. Lets just say that also this was not very popular. 

Which you would also have had to do if you'd still been together as a family unit.

It's very unfair of her not to see that.

tightauldgit

skemp1 said:

 Since her partner moved in 6 months ago it seems to have got worse. 

I do think quite often the problem is other people (whether it is friends, solicitors, or new partners) bending their ears and telling them what they 'deserve' and what they are 'entitled' to.

ZaSa1418

skemp1 said:

Thanks for all your responses. 

I have tried to explain what I think (and many others think) maintenance should cover and it is she is still wanting more (of course) and threatening to tell the kids about me not paying enough to give them what they want/need.

I actually sat down and worked out all the expenses I pay that do not fall under the £600 a month maintenance and it comes to £150 + a month for phones, Xbox subscriptions and clubs I do contribute to.

Also, I bought a winter coat for my boy this week because he needed them and paid half for my daughters passport.

Of course my ex wasn't interested in hearing about that either and said if I won't pay half for school trips the kids won't get to go and she will tell the kids its because of me. 

I do not give her cash, sorry. It is a BACS transfer every month.  

It is difficult because she is emotionally blackmailing you into paying more so she doesn't bad mouth you to the children. I would tell her you will pay half for the school trips but it will be deducted from the maintenance that you overpay. 
I personally think she is going to bad mouth you to the kids no matter what so i would tell her no. If she bad mouths you to the kids and they say 'we cant go on x trip because you won't pay' just be honest and tell them you give their mum money for this stuff but you can't control what she spends it on. 

Spendless

I'm not saying you're being fair or unfair. I know you've had a look at what you are paying out. Have you also tried roughly working out what your exes costs are with regards to the children? Does she work and still need to pay childcare costs of the younger one? Is her income not in line with the cost of the amount of extra activities the kids do is is taking up a higher % of her income so she's looking to you to make up the difference? Are there any additional costs to any of the clubs the kids do eg specialist clothing, examination fees? If so, who pays them?

Also what's the school trip? Some residential trips can be extremely expensive. There may need to be an understanding amongst the kids that some school trips are out of the question due to cost and that would be the same even if parents were together. 

When you had to reduce the amount of maintenance paid last year, did she still have the same outgoings and not cut back at that point herself - if not it might explain why she expects you to pay more now? Extra curricular clubs *usually* have an end point in a child's life, either they get to the end of the graded exams, decide not to continue, grow to old or lose interest. I say *usually* because though all clubs/classes had finished for my son by the time he was 14 ish, for daughter she was still out four nights a week at the beginning of last year with singing, acting and dancing classes and only had a final class aged 18 in August, the month before she moved to drama school! Maybe if you can work out where your exes actual issue lies (and it might be she just wishes to be awkward!) then you might be able to make her understand where you're coming from.

Good luck.