Emotional detachment. Does it affect you?

Retireby40

I've always been considered (by myself and others) as a very unemotional person. Never too excited, angry, sad just one level. That isn't to say I don't sometimes get angry but other things that impact people don't tend to impact me. 

Things like deaths of neighbours. Hurricanes in another country. Someone's dog dying etc etc. I guess you could call me quite cold.

This is the definition below.

"Emotional detachment is an inability or unwillingness to connect with other people on an emotional level. For some people, being emotionally detached helps protect them from unwanted drama, anxiety, or stress.

For others, the detachment isn’t always voluntary. It’s instead the result of events that make the person unable to be open and honest about their emotions."

I think this is exactly what I have. I remember a relative dying and me needing to be super supportive to another family member and I just didn't know what to say or do. I really wanted to be out of that situation.

I also love to avoid people who are dramatic. I make it very clear (without saying it) that I am uninterested in conversations where drama or gossip are concerned. Some people have called me stand offish in the past. I guess I just keep everyone at arms length. I don't do it deliberately it just happens.

Some say a cause of it is rejection or the fear of it. Which I have never experienced in a significant way. Of course I've been turned down from the odd job or girl at the bar but I feel its more in my genetic make up.

Anyone else relate to this or have a similar personality? Has it caused you problems? 

[Deleted User]

Believe and feel whatever you feel it is perfectly natural and normal to do so. If anyone has an issue I always have believed its their problem and not yours

Exodi

billydeardan said:

Believe and feel whatever you feel it is perfectly natural and normal to do so. If anyone has an issue I always have believed its their problem and not yours

What an utterly irresponsible thing to say.

Obviously what some people believe and feel is not normal and should not be other peoples problem.

tacpot12

I was quite like you when I was young, but after getting divorced, I became more emotional. Over the years I have found that my ability to empathise with others has increased, although I can still be quite devoid of feelings when I am remote from a situation, if I want to be. 

It hasn't caused too many problems, but as you have found when people are looking for support and expecting me to provide it, if I have found this difficult, it has not always strengthened the bond between us. However, I am much more willing to try to be supportive and empathetic, and I think this is important. Even if you are no good at it, you have to try. 

Your experience of not knowing what to say or do when someone is dying (or has died) is extremely common. It takes a lot to know the right thing to say to someone, especially if you don't know them intimately. I would encourage you not to shy away from such situations; when people are in need, even just being there and being ready to listen to them is helpful. It won't hurt you to try to be empathetic, the most you will lose is some time, but that time could be very important to the person you are supporting.

I think your problem with empathising with others stems from your own lack of emotions - because you are not especially emotional, if you try to put yourself in someone else's shoes and try to imagine what they are feeling, you struggle because you don't know what you would feel in that situation, or you know that you wouldn't feel anything much. Your ability to imagine the emotions of others is limited.

Other people's emotions cannot harm you, so you have nothing to fear from engaging with them, other than the fear that you might become more emotional yourself. I think this is what lies at the root of any inability to change or improve your response; you are worried that if you become more emotional you will feel sad or unhappy occasionally, whereas as currently you are relatively happy and very stable around that mood. Being sad or unhappy will not harm you, and not being sad or unhappy when you have good reason to be so will tend to mean that other people will regard you as cold or unfeeling. It's human nature to be unhappy sometimes, so I would say not to resist it. 

Thanks for the  opportunity to reflect on my own experience of empathy and emotions. 
 

Retireby40

tacpot12 said:

I was quite like you when I was young, but after getting divorced, I became more emotional. Over the years I have found that my ability to empathise with others has increased, although I can still be quite devoid of feelings when I am remote from a situation, if I want to be. 

It hasn't caused too many problems, but as you have found when people are looking for support and expecting me to provide it, if I have found this difficult, it has not always strengthened the bond between us. However, I am much more willing to try to be supportive and empathetic, and I think this is important. Even if you are no good at it, you have to try. 

Your experience of not knowing what to say or do when someone is dying (or has died) is extremely common. It takes a lot to know the right thing to say to someone, especially if you don't know them intimately. I would encourage you not to shy away from such situations; when people are in need, even just being there and being ready to listen to them is helpful. It won't hurt you to try to be empathetic, the most you will lose is some time, but that time could be very important to the person you are supporting.

I think your problem with empathising with others stems from your own lack of emotions - because you are not especially emotional, if you try to put yourself in someone else's shoes and try to imagine what they are feeling, you struggle because you don't know what you would feel in that situation, or you know that you wouldn't feel anything much. Your ability to imagine the emotions of others is limited.

Other people's emotions cannot harm you, so you have nothing to fear from engaging with them, other than the fear that you might become more emotional yourself. I think this is what lies at the root of any inability to change or improve your response; you are worried that if you become more emotional you will feel sad or unhappy occasionally, whereas as currently you are relatively happy and very stable around that mood. Being sad or unhappy will not harm you, and not being sad or unhappy when you have good reason to be so will tend to mean that other people will regard you as cold or unfeeling. It's human nature to be unhappy sometimes, so I would say not to resist it. 

Thanks for the  opportunity to reflect on my own experience of empathy and emotions. 
 

Wonderful reply and post. Interesting to hear how a change in life changed you a little.

[Deleted User]

Retireby40 said:

I've always been considered (by myself and others) as a very unemotional person. Never too excited, angry, sad just one level. That isn't to say I don't sometimes get angry but other things that impact people don't tend to impact me. 

Things like deaths of neighbours. Hurricanes in another country. Someone's dog dying etc etc. I guess you could call me quite cold.

This is the definition below.

"Emotional detachment is an inability or unwillingness to connect with other people on an emotional level. For some people, being emotionally detached helps protect them from unwanted drama, anxiety, or stress.

For others, the detachment isn’t always voluntary. It’s instead the result of events that make the person unable to be open and honest about their emotions."

I think this is exactly what I have. I remember a relative dying and me needing to be super supportive to another family member and I just didn't know what to say or do. I really wanted to be out of that situation.

I also love to avoid people who are dramatic. I make it very clear (without saying it) that I am uninterested in conversations where drama or gossip are concerned. Some people have called me stand offish in the past. I guess I just keep everyone at arms length. I don't do it deliberately it just happens.

Some say a cause of it is rejection or the fear of it. Which I have never experienced in a significant way. Of course I've been turned down from the odd job or girl at the bar but I feel its more in my genetic make up.

Anyone else relate to this or have a similar personality? Has it caused you problems? 

Tbh this is me down to a tee, absolutely love my daughter and family but I’m quite detached from other peoples problems, this in itself is starting to cause me a problem in my current relationship. The lady I’m seeing is having to deal with her parents neighbours dispute which has got very nasty, I’m finding it harder to say anything about it as most of it is self inflicted by her stubborn father, to the point where it’s all that seems to be going on and we talk about and it’s draining me tbh and I really am fed up of hearing about it…

Retireby40

Deleted_User said:

Retireby40 said:

I've always been considered (by myself and others) as a very unemotional person. Never too excited, angry, sad just one level. That isn't to say I don't sometimes get angry but other things that impact people don't tend to impact me. 

Things like deaths of neighbours. Hurricanes in another country. Someone's dog dying etc etc. I guess you could call me quite cold.

This is the definition below.

"Emotional detachment is an inability or unwillingness to connect with other people on an emotional level. For some people, being emotionally detached helps protect them from unwanted drama, anxiety, or stress.

For others, the detachment isn’t always voluntary. It’s instead the result of events that make the person unable to be open and honest about their emotions."

I think this is exactly what I have. I remember a relative dying and me needing to be super supportive to another family member and I just didn't know what to say or do. I really wanted to be out of that situation.

I also love to avoid people who are dramatic. I make it very clear (without saying it) that I am uninterested in conversations where drama or gossip are concerned. Some people have called me stand offish in the past. I guess I just keep everyone at arms length. I don't do it deliberately it just happens.

Some say a cause of it is rejection or the fear of it. Which I have never experienced in a significant way. Of course I've been turned down from the odd job or girl at the bar but I feel its more in my genetic make up.

Anyone else relate to this or have a similar personality? Has it caused you problems? 

Tbh this is me down to a tee, absolutely love my daughter and family but I’m quite detached from other peoples problems, this in itself is starting to cause me a problem in my current relationship. The lady I’m seeing is having to deal with her parents neighbours dispute which has got very nasty, I’m finding it harder to say anything about it as most of it is self inflicted by her stubborn father, to the point where it’s all that seems to be going on and we talk about and it’s draining me tbh and I really am fed up of hearing about it…

It's hard to be like this but I get you. I have 0 time for other people's drama and problems. And it's not always a good thing. But I can't fake it.

It's like if at the dinner table someone is talking about something I'm not even 0% interested in and they ask my opinion. I am upfront and honest and say to be honest I don't have any interest in it or opinion. It comes across as rude but its better than pretending in my opinion.

YoungBlueEyes

I'm very much the same - something has to be quite extreme for me to react. I can't remember the last time I really laughed, I chuckle sometimes but it's often polite/fake.
Probably the strongest emotion I experience is anger. A piece in the paper or a news article can really get me going, usually something about injustice.

I also have been called rude on plenty of occasions, I also consider it honest/blunt. Sometimes a little too blunt admittedly, but I think that's preferable. I find other people's dramas exhausting and really can't bear them.

One point to mention though is that my parents were both like this. Is it genetic..? I don't know. My father was a very old school no-nonsense type, he couldn't afford to be in his job. My mother was Irish, and a lot of her traits were very similar to her parent's. Her eldest sister Cissie is lovely and blunt/honest and I think that's what you are when you come from deepest darkest Ireland.

E.G. I shop at Lidl, Cissie doesn't have one near her. I regularly send her rasp + dark choc 'jaffa cakes' cos she said she enjoyed them the first time I sent them. Last week she rang me to tell me to stop sending them "for I'm not eating them myself and I've run out of people to give them to".

I love her deeply.

fingermask

If you're feeling emotional detachment, it may be affecting your life, but there are ways to reduce its impact. What is emotional detachment? Emotional detachment is the state of not feeling any strong emotions for a variety of reasons. You might feel detached from your feelings because you don't want to deal with them or because they make you uncomfortable and anxious.

Flugelhorn

I think many people in jobs have to learn a degree of emotional detachment - empathy yes but getting emotionally distressed by others is another. As young doctors we discovered the phrase "the patient is the one with the disease" - didn't stop the odd blub (from me and the reception staff )  when someone I'd looked after for years in GP land died but didn't last and it was carry on.

It can become exhausting for people if they take on too much of other people's emotional problems.  I only worry about 3 people now - DH and the 2 kids

DevilsAdvocate1

Wow, I thought I was weird as I am similar to what has been described.  Most people tell me that I'm just very laid back.  My mam died recently and I didn't cry or even feel massively upset.  I was worried that it meant I was a sociopath.  However, my dad reacted in a similar way to me and suggested that it was because she had been ill for many years and we were both caring for her.  He thought that we had been through the grief in a way as she hasn't been herself for such a long time.

But I realised, I've never cried when anyone close to me has died.  I think of the person alot in the aftermath, its like I can't get them out of my head, but I don't cry.  My husband has told me that I'd better cry when he dies or he'll come back to haunt me !!!!

When I was in my teens I had a 4 year long relationship which was very volatile.  When it was good it was amazing, when it was bad it was as bad as it could be.  It was always one state or the other.  Never anything in between.  I think this knocked the stuffing out of me in a way and I feel numb inside a lot (all?) of the time.