Finances and marriage

Pollycat

JJYK said:

Over recent times he has started to make significant purchases and financial investments in his name without speaking to me about it.

Most recently he has agreed to purchase a house for a relative to live in. This is being bought in his sole name and I found out after it was agreed. I understand that he wants to help the relative who has been poorly recently. I feel upset that he didn’t discuss this with me or consider the impact this will have on our family income and the needs of our children who may go to university in the next 3 years.

This relative owns properties elsewhere which they don’t want to sell for sentimental reasons.

I would find all the above totally unacceptable in a relationship. Regardless of who is earning the most. Making significant financial decisions without talking to your partner is saying 'you and your opinions don't matter'.

What are the actual arrangements for this house he is buying? Will you be paying the full mortgage?

I too would query why this relative is not selling their own house. When you need to move for health reasons (maybe buying a bungalow instead of a house) 'sentimentality' does not come into it.
What is happening to his/her house when they move into this one newly purchased?

I was once asked by a close relative to be guarantor for a mortgage.
They were both living in her council house, he owned (with mortgage) his own house that was let.
They discovered that she would lose a lot of her benefits by him living with her, his house was too small for them and her kids so they'd found a nice house for all of them.
But as he was self employed, he couldn't get the mortgage he needed.
When I asked why they didn't sell his house to be able to put a larger deposit down, it was because they wanted to keep it and let it out for more income.
My answer was a very firm 'no'.

I ask the same question as Maman - why are you still only working part-time?

RAS

JJYK said:

My eldest is 4 years off university, my youngest is only just in high school but buying a house is a long term commitment which we would still be paying when they are at university age. 

To what extent does your husband engage in the running of the house and the family? Does he help with stuff like cleaning, ferrying kids? Or is it largely you? And are you both teaching the kids to look after themselves? Do they clean the bath/shower, take their laundry to the washing machine?

Ideally as the kids head into their teens you should be able to increase your working hours and look for more responsibility although may never regain your full earning capacity. But you can only do that if everyone else is doing their bit.

Once you and hubbie have sorted things out a bit, a few family conferences may be useful.

JJYK

I do all the household chores on the day that I don’t work. He does a share of ferrying around. That is why i still work part time. From a time management perspective this arrangement works for us as a family. 

zagfles

JJYK said:

I do all the household chores on the day that I don’t work. He does a share of ferrying around. That is why i still work part time. From a time management perspective this arrangement works for us as a family. 

Unequal paid work/housework/childcare can work well, it did for us, but it needs to come with financial openness and managing finances jointly rather than individually.

Pollycat

zagfles said:

JJYK said:

I do all the household chores on the day that I don’t work. He does a share of ferrying around. That is why i still work part time. From a time management perspective this arrangement works for us as a family. 

Unequal paid work/housework/childcare can work well, it did for us, but it needs to come with financial openness and managing finances jointly rather than individually.

I agree with this.
Your husband is clearly not recognising the unpaid contribution you have been making.

maman

Pollycat said:

zagfles said:

JJYK said:

I do all the household chores on the day that I don’t work. He does a share of ferrying around. That is why i still work part time. From a time management perspective this arrangement works for us as a family. 

Unequal paid work/housework/childcare can work well, it did for us, but it needs to come with financial openness and managing finances jointly rather than individually.

I agree with this.
Your husband is clearly not recognising the unpaid contribution you have been making.

I'm really hoping that this an all be resolved as, on the face of things, @JJYK's husband is willing to talk about it and has perhaps been thoughtless rather than deliberately heavy handed. Possibly this home for the relative could even be seen as an investment or he thinks that @JJYK would prefer that he handled financial matters. 

But, it's also possible that things fall apart so I'd say it's wise to take up a career again ASAP as you might need to have an income longer term. If necessary, pay a cleaner to do household chores although with 3 teenage children there should be plenty to share the load. Personally I'd do it for self esteem and to feel I was an equal partner but some might think that unpaid domestic chores fulfil the same role. 

pinkshoes

If Mr Pinkshoes made huge financial decisions like that without consulting me I would be furious!

You need to sit and discuss finances openly, as you need to work as a team. One person in a marriage should not have lots more than the other.

Me and Mr Pinkshoes had a similar-ish battle a while back. He felt as he earns double what I do (I work part time due to 3 young children). He felt he should get more money as he worked more. So I said I would work full time, which would mean that we would need:
a dog walker 3x a week, 
a cleaner,
he would need to do 50% of all chores (cooking, laundry, food shopping, taking kids to stuff etc...)
he would need to use all his holiday to cover childcare.

Overall it worked out we would be just £500 better off and he would lose nearly all his free time, so oddly he then decided against it!


We work out how much we need for household stuff (mortgage, bills, food, the odd family meal out, clothes and activities for kids) then we pay this as a ratio of how much we earn, leaving about the same spending money in our own accounts. He does still get more than me but he does have expensive hobbies compared to me which I don't mind. 

zagfles

pinkshoes said:

If Mr Pinkshoes made huge financial decisions like that without consulting me I would be furious!

You need to sit and discuss finances openly, as you need to work as a team. One person in a marriage should not have lots more than the other.

Me and Mr Pinkshoes had a similar-ish battle a while back. He felt as he earns double what I do (I work part time due to 3 young children). He felt he should get more money as he worked more. So I said I would work full time, which would mean that we would need:
a dog walker 3x a week, 
a cleaner,
he would need to do 50% of all chores (cooking, laundry, food shopping, taking kids to stuff etc...)
he would need to use all his holiday to cover childcare.

Overall it worked out we would be just £500 better off and he would lose nearly all his free time, so oddly he then decided against it!


We work out how much we need for household stuff (mortgage, bills, food, the odd family meal out, clothes and activities for kids) then we pay this as a ratio of how much we earn, leaving about the same spending money in our own accounts. He does still get more than me but he does have expensive hobbies compared to me which I don't mind. 

I've never understood this - since having our first child I've always earned much more than my wife, for 7 years she earnt nothing, then it was a part time term time job, but finances were never an issue, all our money was considered joint (in spirit if not on paper).

The thing I did consider unfair was that I wasn't getting as much benefit from the lifestyle we'd chosen as she was, I didn't get to spend as much time with the kids as she did. We did mitigate it as much as possible for instance I did zero housework but as much "childcare" as I could, and I worked shifts when they were pre-school which meant I got time off in the day so could take the kids to their activities, park, trips out etc in the day.

Pets I guess would be similar, if you both want a dog but one has more time to take them for walks, play fetch etc. Although sometimes they're the decision of one of the couple rather than a joint decision - a friend's wife got a dog without even consulting him! It was a present from her Mum, that was the excuse, but mother and daughter had discussed it beforehand, she OK'ed it without even consulting her husband! So he now regards the dog and anything to do with it as her "hobby" similar to his golf hobby!

We've had cats on and off and it's similar, my wife wanted them, I would prefer not (mainly due to the hassle when going away etc) but don't mind having them, so my wife would normally do any "work" associated with them eg feeding, cleaning litter trays, hassling the neighbours to look after them when going away etc. But they're nowhere near as time consuming as a dog - I would rule that completely, luckily so would my wife!

Pollycat

zagfles said:

pinkshoes said:

If Mr Pinkshoes made huge financial decisions like that without consulting me I would be furious!

You need to sit and discuss finances openly, as you need to work as a team. One person in a marriage should not have lots more than the other.

Me and Mr Pinkshoes had a similar-ish battle a while back. He felt as he earns double what I do (I work part time due to 3 young children). He felt he should get more money as he worked more. So I said I would work full time, which would mean that we would need:
a dog walker 3x a week, 
a cleaner,
he would need to do 50% of all chores (cooking, laundry, food shopping, taking kids to stuff etc...)
he would need to use all his holiday to cover childcare.

Overall it worked out we would be just £500 better off and he would lose nearly all his free time, so oddly he then decided against it!


We work out how much we need for household stuff (mortgage, bills, food, the odd family meal out, clothes and activities for kids) then we pay this as a ratio of how much we earn, leaving about the same spending money in our own accounts. He does still get more than me but he does have expensive hobbies compared to me which I don't mind. 

I've never understood this - since having our first child I've always earned much more than my wife, for 7 years she earnt nothing, then it was a part time term time job, but finances were never an issue, all our money was considered joint (in spirit if not on paper).

The thing I did consider unfair was that I wasn't getting as much benefit from the lifestyle we'd chosen as she was, I didn't get to spend as much time with the kids as she did. We did mitigate it as much as possible for instance I did zero housework but as much "childcare" as I could, and I worked shifts when they were pre-school which meant I got time off in the day so could take the kids to their activities, park, trips out etc in the day.

Pets I guess would be similar, if you both want a dog but one has more time to take them for walks, play fetch etc. Although sometimes they're the decision of one of the couple rather than a joint decision - a friend's wife got a dog without even consulting him! It was a present from her Mum, that was the excuse, but mother and daughter had discussed it beforehand, she OK'ed it without even consulting her husband! So he now regards the dog and anything to do with it as her "hobby" similar to his golf hobby!

We've had cats on and off and it's similar, my wife wanted them, I would prefer not (mainly due to the hassle when going away etc) but don't mind having them, so my wife would normally do any "work" associated with them eg feeding, cleaning litter trays, hassling the neighbours to look after them when going away etc. But they're nowhere near as time consuming as a dog - I would rule that completely, luckily so would my wife!

Why didn't you choose to be a house husband if you considered it so unfair?
Didn't you discuss finances, child care and roles before deciding to have children?

zagfles

Pollycat said:

zagfles said:

pinkshoes said:

If Mr Pinkshoes made huge financial decisions like that without consulting me I would be furious!

You need to sit and discuss finances openly, as you need to work as a team. One person in a marriage should not have lots more than the other.

Me and Mr Pinkshoes had a similar-ish battle a while back. He felt as he earns double what I do (I work part time due to 3 young children). He felt he should get more money as he worked more. So I said I would work full time, which would mean that we would need:
a dog walker 3x a week, 
a cleaner,
he would need to do 50% of all chores (cooking, laundry, food shopping, taking kids to stuff etc...)
he would need to use all his holiday to cover childcare.

Overall it worked out we would be just £500 better off and he would lose nearly all his free time, so oddly he then decided against it!


We work out how much we need for household stuff (mortgage, bills, food, the odd family meal out, clothes and activities for kids) then we pay this as a ratio of how much we earn, leaving about the same spending money in our own accounts. He does still get more than me but he does have expensive hobbies compared to me which I don't mind. 

I've never understood this - since having our first child I've always earned much more than my wife, for 7 years she earnt nothing, then it was a part time term time job, but finances were never an issue, all our money was considered joint (in spirit if not on paper).

The thing I did consider unfair was that I wasn't getting as much benefit from the lifestyle we'd chosen as she was, I didn't get to spend as much time with the kids as she did. We did mitigate it as much as possible for instance I did zero housework but as much "childcare" as I could, and I worked shifts when they were pre-school which meant I got time off in the day so could take the kids to their activities, park, trips out etc in the day.

Pets I guess would be similar, if you both want a dog but one has more time to take them for walks, play fetch etc. Although sometimes they're the decision of one of the couple rather than a joint decision - a friend's wife got a dog without even consulting him! It was a present from her Mum, that was the excuse, but mother and daughter had discussed it beforehand, she OK'ed it without even consulting her husband! So he now regards the dog and anything to do with it as her "hobby" similar to his golf hobby!

We've had cats on and off and it's similar, my wife wanted them, I would prefer not (mainly due to the hassle when going away etc) but don't mind having them, so my wife would normally do any "work" associated with them eg feeding, cleaning litter trays, hassling the neighbours to look after them when going away etc. But they're nowhere near as time consuming as a dog - I would rule that completely, luckily so would my wife!

Why didn't you choose to be a house husband if you considered it so unfair?
Didn't you discuss finances, child care and roles before deciding to have children?

You misunderstand. Or perhaps I didn't word it very well. It was an issue to which there was no perfect solution, we did consider me becoming a househusband, but that would have just reversed this unfairness onto my wife, or both working part time, but due to the nature of both our jobs that wasn't practical, particularly to get hours that fitted well with each other.

So we mitigated it as best we could, as above. It worked pretty well, I look back on the years the kids were young as one of the happiest periods of my life.