Learning to walk before I run

Suffolk_lass

Are you back from hols yet? I am missing your regular updates. I hope all is OK with all of the eds x

edinburgher

@Suffolk_lass - we have long since returned from our hols.

I don't have much to write at the moment. Feeling burned out and if not in the slough of despond, at least checking out fixer uppers there because it feels like the bottom is about to fall out of our finances

Childcare goes up by £300+ in September, mortgage goes from 2.04% average to 6.3% come November (+£540). At the risk of sounding like a horrible snob, I feel we're going to drop a class by the end of the year (purely an economic comment).

Work also grim. Tool of a new boss expecting us to increase our already stretched productivity by an impossible 33%+ Wrote a very frank email explaining why this will not work but still feeling angry.

DD1 was in hospital last night after falling from 6'. We've had a bit of a fright and she has the fracture clinic next week (no obvious breaks from x-rays).

BookWorm

Sorry to hear things are feeling overwhelming right now.  Sending hugs and positive vibes.  Hope all ok with  DD1 and that she managed to 'bounce' with causing any issues.  BW x

beanielou

No wonder things feel so overwhelming.
Take care.
Glad DD1 is ok.

I remember feeling like that when my DS was wee & growing up & now I am MF~~thought it would never ever happen & we would have no where to live.

Cornish_mum

Sorry to hear this Ed, take care CM

QueenJess

I think we are all going to have to accept the next few years are just going to be tough. Everyone is having the same squeeze and childcare/mortgage is the worst as they are already a high proportion of the income.

Personally I think the way through is to concentrate on the little things and not the big picture. So anything as tiny as something you can look forward to in your day or saving £1 on your shopping. It all counts and worrying about the big picture in this case isn’t going to help. How about you set yourself a little challenge or do something to motivate yourself? Doesn’t have to be money related either.. could be walking x number of steps or reading a book to your kids everyday. 

Feel free to ignore me… just throwing out ideas! I hope DD1 is ok, it’s awful when they hurt themselves.

South_coast

edinburgher said:

....the slough of despond

Poor old Slough - I'm sure it's very nice there 🤣!

Right, being flippant aside.... Can you "afford" the extra £840/month? Can some cutbacks be made to bring your expenses down? What are your top 3 discretionary spends each month, can they be reduced?

Could you bring in some extra income? I know you were doing well on Prolific a while ago, is that still the case? Is overtime still available (not if it compromises your mental health though). Is there scope for one of you to pick up some extra part-time hours somewhere? Or conversely, would dropping some hours create a saving on the childcare? If you need to borrow to tide you over, what's the cheapest way of doing it? There are some good 0% cards around at the moment, either for purchases or money transfers. 

Again, feel free to ignore, and don't feel you have to respond. I know you *know* all this already, it's just sometimes it's hard to think clearly when you're in the thick of it. 

P.S. Nothing wrong with being middle class for a while 😀

Suffolk_lass

I'm really sorry to hear that ed, especially a scare with DD1. A little more than a greenstick fracture at eight, but they do heal, remarkably quickly and well, normally. The temptation is to stop them taking risks, but I think that working out some of that for themselves is a good thing, in the longer term, if you can let her learn. I always think it is harder for the parents really, this child-rearing thing.

As for the money, you have my sympathies. When DH lost his job shortly after we extended our mortgage by £90k, to just £230k, interest rates were starting to level and fall from mid teens, and DS was at a fee paying school, so comparable, I think. I had to swap to interest only mortgage, and my Mum came for two weeks of the school holidays, with DS reducing to two weeks at holiday play scheme and DH and I spreading out our leave to cover the rest (separate holidays was the worst). I'm not saying this to sound smug, I'm hoping they might offer you some alternatives to moving, at least in an interval, while you take stock and "cope" for a while. We did manage an annual camping holiday for the next few years, but very few other accommodation options were affordable. We would have considered a house swap holiday, but our house was not finished enough, with builders residue and refurbishment unfinished.

I wonder if your boss has just cast out the productivity gains (s)he wants or if he actually has any positive tools or techniques in mind? He may feel it is passive aggressive if you challenge him on this but asking for ideas on how might help. Either there is a plan or a realisation that they are being a tool may follow. Possibly not the time to mention constructive dismissal but in a manager-to-manager chat, mentioning it as a possible risk to the senior team (including yourself) downstream a little, might help too. Putting people under so much pressure that they become ill is illegal, and the unions are there to help with this.

For your own wellbeing, having a WTSHTF set of options that you have discussed with MrsEd will help your mental health. It will let you use the park bench to clear your head in order to tackle other things. I think our experience acted as a catalyst for us. Yes, we did move, but it was two and a half years later, and to where we wanted to be in the long term. Yes, it had financial consequences, and our mortgage, in particular, ran for about 8 years longer than I hoped. Our pension contributions reduced, but inflation helped repair some of that. My travel was also horrendous, with time being the big thing I lost, and expenses not calculated accurately, to take into account, depreciation on car, or increased costs to run it. After smugly feeling I've got this and going round the spending loop again and again, I found this forum and I have been here ever since. Older then than you are now, I can provide an element of assurance that you can get through it. There will be compromises, but savings will be valued, and they are possible, if you are willing to make them. You can do this. And I really am sorry.

edinburgher

Thanks to all of you for the sympathy and positive vibes, both of which are needed at the moment. I know we'll get through this, just feeling a little tender.

Most importantly, DD1 is showing some signs of improvement. After an exhausting few days carrying her up and down stairs, she can now manage a strained hobble up and down by herself. She is using her crutches after a fashion, but she doesn't really have the strength to hop consistently on her good leg. I am optimistic she'll get the all clear from the fracture clinic next week.

To answer a few more specific queries...

Firstly, I don't think we'll move house. We have been here for nearly 8 years, the schools are fab and we've invested too much of ourselves (and our cash) to walk away at this stage of the "cycle".

@South_coast - 

We can't afford it but we can pay it. Unfortunately for us, the difference is so great that it will more than swallow all "goal" and "quality of life" funding in YNAB. This would include our EF contributions, a fiver a month for LISA fees, ISA investments for the girls, holidays, exercise and pocket money for myself, Mrs E and DD1.

This is too much to bear. While our lifestyle spending is reasonably high, we rarely go on foreign holidays, drive a cheap car and don't do brands or shopping for the sake of it. I think I'd go mad if we couldn't do any leisure spending.

So it will need to be a combination of both reducing spends and increasing income where possible (overtime remains an option, although I'll need a bit more support from Mrs E in the evenings and tolerance from DD1 that daddy will need to work a bit later). 

• I've already cut out my expensive exercise class (doing the block up to Christmas, which we've already budgeted for), this saves c. £100/month
• Holiday spends have been cut from c. £140/month to the £25/month needed to get us another "free" holiday in the Hebrides next year, £115/month
• Our Pocket Money actually went up recently (to reflect the fact that we were having to supplement holidays etc. with our own cash). This will have to be slashed and we'll do whatever beer money hacks we can to make it up elsewhere. If we cut it by 50%, that would be £250/month
• If I commit to 6 hours/week overtime, that would add c. £400/month. That's hard going when you work compressed hours
• Prolific remains ok for topping up my personal spends account but it's usually only £10/week. I don't want to rely on this, it's less efficient than doing overtime anyway

So that would basically cover us. I'll be working 42 hours a week to face minimal walking around money and no holidays That is perhaps a little negative. It doesn't allow for my 13th wage, or for any back pay that will come to me when the unions, COSLA and the employers meet in the middle re. wages (4 months and counting).

@Suffolk_lass

Free childcare isn't an option. My parents are often overseas or otherwise far away and while I am occasionally offered a day or so of childcare, this is always mentioned in a manner that comes across as forced and I don't think it's sincerely offered. That said, I am the sibling who has made the smallest use of this particular resource, perhaps 2 days in 8 years. Mrs E's parents are more accommodating but perhaps cope less well with it.

Re. boss being a tool, I'm 100% confident that my grumpy email of last week will be seen as either passive or actively aggressive. It's important to remember that I was a candidate for their role for a while, so it feels like I need to walk a careful line in terms of sticking up for myself and my colleagues while offering positive suggestions. The issue is that I've already offered the positive suggestions and they've been cheerfully heard and then completely ignored. That's fine if something better was already in the pipeline, but it most definitely wasn't/isn't. I will be the first to talk to my union rep should this nonsense be left to stand in its current form.

I will keep plodding. The main thing is to try and get myself onto an emotional even keel/find some sort of acceptance in the short term. I'll need to keep doing overtime while it is offered and I have not been mentally in the right place for this over the last few weeks. Exercise and sleep helps, but both have been in short supply and I've been reet ratty with Mrs E. I think we're over the worst of it now and DD1 on the mend will be a help with this.

I made a small contribution to my SIPP yesterday (£3.32, £4.15 after tax relief). I also did a huge amount of overdue housework. I find that forcing myself to stick to the script when I am feeling despondent empowers me quite a bit, it's nice to control what you can

Karmacat

I've just caught up, Ed, I'm so sorry things are so tough.  I went from pillar to post financially in my 20s and 30s, but I had no dependents, I was only responsible for myself, so the challenge that you're facing is beyond anything I've had to face personally.  Overtime does sound the best way to get more money coming in, and frankly, if I was you, I'd be accepting any childcare offers coming my way, as long as I'm confident in my children's safety.  Even if you "only" use the time to decompress, it's really valuable.

Good luck - I'll try to keep up now, this does sound rough.