Advice for a Friend re Ex Partner and Child's Father, what Now????

saddo

HI all

I'm posting this for a friend

She has been in relationship for 8 years

Moved in with partner 6 years ago, decided to try for a child who arrived 2 years ago.

Female has stayed at home to bring up child while male stayed at work worked nights in care home but quite often when sick.

Up until a year ago everything was fine, apart from his occasional drinking and abusive behavior but was tolerable.

Six months ago, Male began to spend more time at his mothers less time at home, never wanting to spend time with family and wider family.

Four months ago, went out for nappies and juice for child, never came back had family worried looking for him, he was sending messages saying he needed to get his head straight and not to worry.

Got to the point where after 24 hrs we were considering calling the police and reporting him as MISPA, even checked to A&E.

This went on for a week or so.

Turned out he had been seeing another woman, his mother had been lying to his partner . And there relationship had been going on for a while.
He has now moved in with his Mother and new  female, left his ex partner and child in debt and her mother had to pay off council tax debt that he had stated he had been paying to avoid court action.

Female has signed new tenancy, changed locks , he is now doing want he wants we have been told he is driving a car using provisional licence, utilizing alcohol and substances with new Girlfriend and only wanting access to his child when it suits him, evening missed child's 2nd birthday as he "was busy"

Also has been using a moped for the last 3 years with no CBT licence stating he wont get caught.

Will not commit to a regular access with his child and is now accusing female (mother of his Child) as lazy as not working as she has to stay at home to look after his child.

She has to chase him for money for the child which he delays paying her.

Mother of child does everything for the child looks after her buys her clothes and arranges activities and the child is well cared for, also got her into Nursery which she is paying for.

Mother is reliant on Universal Credit and wants to return to work part time

Yesterday ex partner was abusive,  threatening and swearing in the street towards her.

She is at a loss what to do moving forward as he will not agree to arranging access and care for child and when having child arrives later for pick up and drops back late, usualy no more that for 3- 4 hours.

Any Advice gratefully received.

  

tooldle

Two things here i guess. First being financial and the second being access.
Securing full time work will help hugely. Having an independent income takes control away from the ex. Formalise arrangements for child support and access. Negotiations over access should include discussion on likely consequences of being late for collection and drop off, and impact of drug and alcohol use either immediately prior to or during access visits. Enlist the help of a mediator.
Good luck to your friend.

saddo

Itooldle said:

Two things here i guess. First being financial and the second being access.
Securing full time work will help hugely. Having an independent income takes control away from the ex. Formalise arrangements for child support and access. Negotiations over access should include discussion on likely consequences of being late for collection and drop off, and impact of drug and alcohol use either immediately prior to or during access visits. Enlist the help of a mediator.
Good luck to your friend.

Im aware he has refused any Mediation stating "i'm not talking to them bunch of W*ankers"

He refused to take the call when they called.

sassyblue

I wouldn’t bother offering contact anymore. I’d tell him contact will be supervised now at a contact centre and it’s for him to arrange.  I appreciate she’s being kind and wants him and their child to have a relationship but he’s not respecting that and he doesn’t sound like he's responsible either.

ZaSa1418

Report the abuse to the police.
She can't force him to have contact or be on time etc. I imagine if she didn't encourage it then he wouldn't bother so leave it all to him. 

gizmo111

She is at a loss what to do moving forward as he will not agree to arranging access and care for child and when having child arrives later for pick up and drops back late, usualy no more that for 3- 4 hours.

I wonder why she even wants him to have contact with child?  There are safeguarding concerns about his behavior and he doesn't sound like a person who should have sole responsibility for a 2 year old.  She can contact CMS for maintenance payments and have no more direct contact with him.

T.T.D

She calls police to make a formal statement of his past and present DV, stops access to some and follows onto family court by requesting mediation go back to family court for his lack of engagement, and makes a child arrangements order. 

Her statement should be brief to one page.

1.Dad is Abusive, DV in past during relationship.

2.Dad is continuing his DV by turning up at the house and shouting and screaming in street.

3.dad is substance user, and alcohol dependent.

4. dad has failed to turn to up for access, dad has failed to turn up on time to collect XYZ and dad has failed to drop off time aiding alarm and distress.

5. dad has refused to engage with the mediation process.

6.dad has failed to financially support XYZ and his son XYZ.

7.dad drives illegally he drives unsupervised, and has limited official driver training.  Coupled with his substance and alcoholism and domestic abuse, he is posing a high risk of driving with son in car whilst in his care.

8.dad failed to turn up to birthday. No birthday present no card.

I believe dad is of a high risk, dad Has have formally been stopped from gaining unsupervised access and immediate family due to the risks posed to XYZ. I ask the courts advice at this time on future steps.

Where a court believes a father is having a negative impact on his child, they can restrict the father’s involvement by issuing either a Child Arrangements Order or a Prohibited Steps Order to protect the child and limit the role their father has in their life.

gizmo111

T.T.D said:

She calls police to make a formal statement of his past and present DV, stops access to some and follows onto family court by requesting mediation go back to family court for his lack of engagement, and makes a child arrangements order. 

Her statement should be brief to one page.

1.Dad is Abusive, DV in past during relationship.

2.Dad is continuing his DV by turning up at the house and shouting and screaming in street.

3.dad is substance user, and alcohol dependent.

4. dad has failed to turn to up for access, dad has failed to turn up on time to collect XYZ and dad has failed to drop off time aiding alarm and distress.

5. dad has refused to engage with the mediation process.

6.dad has failed to financially support XYZ and his son XYZ.

7.dad drives illegally he drives unsupervised, and has limited official driver training.  Coupled with his substance and alcoholism and domestic abuse, he is posing a high risk of driving with son in car whilst in his care.

8.dad failed to turn up to birthday. No birthday present no card.

I believe dad is of a high risk, dad Has have formally been stopped from gaining unsupervised access and immediate family due to the risks posed to XYZ. I ask the courts advice at this time on future steps.

Where a court believes a father is having a negative impact on his child, they can restrict the father’s involvement by issuing either a Child Arrangements Order or a Prohibited Steps Order to protect the child and limit the role their father has in their life.

Why waste money making an application to court at this stage?  If he ever decides that he wants to spend time with hsi child then he can make the application and all the above will apply.

TripleH

I would report his reckless flouting of the law relating to vehicle usage.

He is not deemed competent to drive on the roads (does not possess a valid licence) and is also driving whilst intoxicated.

This part is not about revenge, it is about ensuring some family does not wake up one way without a loved one because they were killed or seriously injured as a result of his reckless behaviour. No ifs no buts!

Jim80

T.T.D said:

Where a court believes a father is having a negative impact on his child, they can restrict the father’s involvement by issuing either a Child Arrangements Order or a Prohibited Steps Order to protect the child and limit the role their father has in their life.

I really wish our standard language was parent and not father.

kazwookie

Why would the female let the abusive dad access to the child anyway, if he is going all the things in the opening post? would you want your child with an abusive / drinking / unlicensed rider etc.................