My brother has lost all contact with his son

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

ClaireE said:

Looking for help or advice from dads who have been in a similar situation. Quite a long complicated story but I'll try and keep it simple - my brother divorced his wife about six years ago, it had broken down irretrievably which I later found out had been caused by her violent, aggressive nature towards him. Their only son at the time was about 12. 

He moved out but stayed local, it was eventually amicable and they shared their son between them & she would often ask for favours such as house sitting/look after the dog. Then his disclosed that mummy said not to say but she's planning to move back up to the north with him. This then happened with no consultation with him and happened very quickly, removing him from his school, his family & friends. She made it very hard for my brother to maintain contact with his son with whom he had a very close bond.

During a telephone call to his son he disclosed that his mum had been hitting him, kicking him, taunting him & acting aggressively around him. My brother contacted his secondary school up there & it was agreed social services should be involved & the police. The lad was removed from her and placed with her brother !! It was seen as better than getting him all the way south & back to his loving dad. Her family are very close knit & wasted no time being coercive & brain washing him. Social services warned them about this and warned that it is seen as child abuse. He was then returned to his mother who agreed to attend anger management sessions. My brother was required to travel north to attend meetings about his son with social workers who agreed the lad must maintain contact with his dad. The whole thing was managed very very badly (my brother eventually ended up with a written apology as to how it was handled).

To bring it up to the present time - my brother has had absolutely no contact with his son (now aged 17). We all strongly suspect that his mum has been turning him against his dad & poisoning his mind and/or keeping back any cards, money or letters we all send to him. My brother received a school report recently only to find his son's surname was no longer his but his mother's. My brother is in a dark place and has given up on ever seeing his son again. The way he sees it - his son was in distress, he contacted social services but the bitter, sad ending is he himself has lost everything & the mother won out.

Is this familiar to other dads if so how did or do you get through it?

With regards to moving - The parent with care has every right to move anywhere within the UK without consulting the other parent. Access should have been organised though, either by the parents or through courts. 

It sounds like Social Services move the child with their uncle whilst they investigated. I imagine had they investigated and determined that the mother was not capable of looking after the son, then it would have gone to court for your brother to gain residence. 

Social services can "warn" all they like about mental abuse - but it is in fact one of the hardest to prove. Warning them does absolutely nothing. 

With regards to surname - That will be the name he is using at school. He can be "known as" Joe Bloggs if he wished. His legal name will still be the one that's on his birth certificate. As the child is nearly an adult, he can however change this should he wish and there's nothing your brother can do about it. 

As the son is almost an adult, ultimately the decision for contact will be with him. Sadly if the son doesn't want any contact, that's his choice. I'm not saying it is the correct choice. 

If i was your brother, I would make sure that he tries to keep some form of contact going. I don't agree asking the school to pass on letters though and to be honest, the school shouldn't facilitate this. Your brother can have meetings with the school to discuss the child's grades etc but presuming that they will be leaving soon that may not be a long term option. Show willing, then if one day the son decides to get back in touch, he can. 

diystarter7

We need to keep an open mind. ClaireE

There is always a possibility the child is not telling the whole truth and a good example of this is, the child, not having it their way. The fact is anyone can lie and anyone can tell the truth but life for many is made up of half-truths and half-lies, so always keep an open and alert mind. (Clearly I'm not saying the teenager is doing that but I've been a teenager and have had teenagers and seen teenagers in action, no offence, just a heads up)
Having said that, any reports of abuse must be reported to police/soc services/schools/etc.

Schools have a duty of care as there are so many single/divorced parents to send out important info to all parents.

The parent responsible for the child can move the child around town to town etc at their will there is no law against it I know of.

You will always get three sides to a story and someone that has lied, acted badly in past does not necessarily equate for them doing that again. Therefore, never jump to conclusions.

I'm no expert other than in life experiences watching what happens to people and what I would say to you to relay to your family is, and this is easier said than done: Remain calm, digest the new information, sit down, think about it, possibly consult others and consider the outcomes of your actions in response to your action/s and again remain calm, polite and always act within the law.

I really hope it works out for everyone and this stress is soon over for all concerned  

MovingForwards

OP hasn't logged back in since September.

Clearchem

Appreciate the op might not be around anymore but others do come across threads

This point "The parent with care has every right to move anywhere within the UK without consulting the other parent." is not accurate.

The pwc has a right to move within England and Wales only with the child (ie not scotland or ni regions) but it is not immutable.

Prohibited steps orders can be applied for to prevent internal as well as external relocation while the courts consider the matter. There are cases of internal relocation being prohibited as not in the child's best interests. This doesn't prevent the pwc moving as a free individual, but does prevent them taking the child with them.

From the information provided it appears a large number of mistakes were made, there was a lack of proper experience and advice sought, and a child has been badly let down. Often looking at posts in the vein the parent with contact is not aggressive enough in their approach, thinks about not rocking the boat, and does not act decisively in their child interests. Once relocation happens it is very hard to reverse.

Charities such as FNF, only mum and only dads exist to provide advice and help. People should not need to be on their own guessing.