Wedding Present for grandson?

BrainDrained

Please be gentle with me.

My grandson has just married his live-in partner. They have been together for 5 years and have 2 young children.   Given that (1) I don't have a relationship with him, and (2) I wasn't invited, do I buy them a wedding present?  (And if so, what?)

Background

I don't have much of a relationship with my grown-up kids since I divorced their father many, many years ago.  So I don't have a relationship with my grandkids either, and in fact have only met them once, about 3 years ago.  I am FB friends with the grandson's partner (now wife).  Though we don't chat I can see what my great grandchildren are up to.  It's through FB I found out about the wedding.  Grandson's father (ie my son) wasn't invited either, but not surprised as there is no contact there either, since his mother remarried 20 years ago. 
Wedding was last weekend, so no COVID rules about numbers.  It wasn't a big posh do, church followed by pub buffet and evening disco.

Part of me wants to be generous but I'm not sure whether there is also an element here of wanting to make them feel a bit guilty for not inviting me, which I know is petty and unreasonable.    

tacpot12

Hi BrainDrained.

Knowing how expensive weddings can, even for relatively small events, I'm not surprised that you weren't invited. It is often necessary to trim the guest list, and it's usually the outlying relatives that get chopped. They probably figured that they couldn't invite you just for the disco like they might do friends who they couldn't afford to invite to the buffet because it wouldn't be your thing. 

I would go with your instinct to be generous, and offer to buy them something, possibly something that will benefit your great grandchildren as much as your grandson. I wouldn't spend much, but you can pop a note in with whatever you send to say that you would like to be more connected with them. 

Pollycat

BrainDrained said:

My grandson has just married his live-in partner. They have been together for 5 years and have 2 young children.   Given that (1) I don't have a relationship with him, and (2) I wasn't invited, do I buy them a wedding present?  (And if so, what?)

Background

I don't have much of a relationship with my grown-up kids since I divorced their father many, many years ago.  So I don't have a relationship with my grandkids either, and in fact have only met them once, about 3 years ago.  

Why would you buy a wedding present for someone you don't have a relationship with?

You might think you are 'facebook friends' but you aren't really.
Are you?
You 'don't chat'.

I would send best wishes through whatever media you can ( I don't know how FB works) and leave it at that.

HampshireH

I wouldn't have expect and invite if you don't speak that's a bit strange.

Just like they won't expect a gift.

You say to make them feel guilty for no invite. Have you made an effort over the years to have a relationship?

Perhaps that gift will be the olive branch ......

A small but personal gift maybe? Something off Etsy that's a bit different. Not expensive but personal from you to them showing thought

kazwookie

You have no relationship, so why do you want to send a gift?

Don't bother, keep the money and spend it on yourself.

Torry_Quine

If you have to just send a card.

maman

HampshireH said:

I wouldn't have expect and invite if you don't speak that's a bit strange.

Just like they won't expect a gift.

You say to make them feel guilty for no invite. Have you made an effort over the years to have a relationship?

Perhaps that gift will be the olive branch ......

A small but personal gift maybe? Something off Etsy that's a bit different. Not expensive but personal from you to them showing thought

I think it does depend on whether OP wants a relationship or to let things lie. If she does then some contact, wishing them well is appropriate but it's hard to say as there must have been so much water under the bridge over the years. 

Pollycat

maman said:

HampshireH said:

I wouldn't have expect and invite if you don't speak that's a bit strange.

Just like they won't expect a gift.

You say to make them feel guilty for no invite. Have you made an effort over the years to have a relationship?

Perhaps that gift will be the olive branch ......

A small but personal gift maybe? Something off Etsy that's a bit different. Not expensive but personal from you to them showing thought

I think it does depend on whether OP wants a relationship or to let things lie. If she does then some contact, wishing them well is appropriate but it's hard to say as there must have been so much water under the bridge over the years. 

If the OP wanted a relationship why didn't they try to get in touch before now?

Marvel1

No I wouldn't.

[Deleted User]

BrainDrained said:

Please be gentle with me.

My grandson has just married his live-in partner. They have been together for 5 years and have 2 young children.   Given that (1) I don't have a relationship with him, and (2) I wasn't invited, do I buy them a wedding present?  (And if so, what?)

Background

I don't have much of a relationship with my grown-up kids since I divorced their father many, many years ago.  So I don't have a relationship with my grandkids either, and in fact have only met them once, about 3 years ago.  I am FB friends with the grandson's partner (now wife).  Though we don't chat I can see what my great grandchildren are up to.  It's through FB I found out about the wedding.  Grandson's father (ie my son) wasn't invited either, but not surprised as there is no contact there either, since his mother remarried 20 years ago. 
Wedding was last weekend, so no COVID rules about numbers.  It wasn't a big posh do, church followed by pub buffet and evening disco.

Part of me wants to be generous but I'm not sure whether there is also an element here of wanting to make them feel a bit guilty for not inviting me, which I know is petty and unreasonable.    

That does sound petty and unreasonable.  Ever since covid wedding venues have had to reduce the number of guests they're allowed to have in the buildings because of social distancing.  If your grandson and his wife had to have a small wedding then it makes sense you weren't invited as there isn't a relationship with you really.

If you want to start building a relationship then send a card.  If you have no interest in being more than Facebook friends with the wife then let it go.

theoretica

I don't see any reason why someone should invite anyone they met only once, three years ago, to their wedding.  But that you think about it implies that you maybe would like more contact, so maybe sending a card would be a good thing to do.