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Letting go of anger and hate
in Marriage, relationships & families
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you accept that things will not change so it is no use hankering over what was or what might be.
it will never be again. Things can never go back to what they were as that relationship has been broken. People are getting on with their lives in a different way now.
you find a way to build bridges again.
if you cannot see that happening then stop yearning for what you cannot have. You are picking at a scab and preventing it healing.
But, consider that one day you may have regrets when it is too late to change anything.
You will not forget but you can call a truce.
I am not going to try to make excuses for your sister or her child’s behaviour. There are none.
But it is possible that there are reasons for why they both behaved in that way.
The behaviour of the 16 year old is unacceptable but not totally uncommon. I hope the child has received some help for their issues.
I could also have ‘a go’ at explaining the mother’s response but I am not going to.
Instead I am going to urge you to get some professional help. Someone who will help you through the path of exploring your options in this situation.
Three years is an incredibly long time to have lived with this not least because you actually went through a very traumatic event at the time - the assault itself.
A good therapist is worth their weight in gold so find one, stick with it and get the help you, your husband and family deserve.
I was trying not to go into too much of the detail till my last post but without the detail it does seem as if Im making a mountian out of a molehill I suppose.
I am grateful for your suggestion and I will follow up what you suggest.
there are some private Facebook groups for support because of toxic/narcissistic family members I use, have a search.
Sending healing thoughts to others!
Happy moneysaving all.
I don't know if I've forgiven her. But I did decide that I couldn't let her ruin my life any longer. So I went to events she was at (that we were both invited to) and simply ignored her the whole time. Not in a stroppy way, unhappy to be there, but being really happy in front of other people. She ended up being quite upset after a few years that we were no longer friends, but I've never spoken to her since.
Given that it's your sibling's child, I can understand why they are defending them. Right or wrong, there's something about that parental bond - and the fact that your sibling has been on the end of their abuse, too - that's not going to change that. It's not like they're an in-law who is easily ignored. From your other siblings' perspectives, you are causing the problem - you're the reason the family events don't happen anymore (not just in their heads - you are the reason!). If you're not prepared to tell them the truth, or get help, then I'm not sure what else there is to do.
But proper counselling to help you work through it sounds like it's needed, as to be this angry so long after, with someone who wasn't even the original reason - to the point that you've removed all family photos - doesn't sound like it's healthy for you or your relationships. I hope you manage to work through it.
A way forward *might* be that just the siblings meet for a meal. No children involved. That way, you will at least see whether being in the same room as your sibling is possible. It should not mean you have to ostracise yourself from others.
Another option is to consider going away with the two siblings who refuse to go if you aren't there. It keeps a line open.
My sister and I have a very fragile relationship. She would say she walks on eggshells around me. I would say she breached my trust in the most horrific and unforgivable way possible. Four years with no contact, except some very nasty cards sent to cause distress on my birthday. But I know she is currently going through a devastatingly traumatic time, so I have made contact to offer support. I have made it clear I will not take sides and despite her best efforts to be a martyr and push me away, we are still speaking. I haven't forgiven her, and will never be able to, but there had to be a way forward.
Hope this helps, and that things work out for you.
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