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Letting go of anger and hate



  • sherambersheramber Forumite
    16.7K Posts
    Ninth Anniversary 10,000 Posts I've been Money Tipped! Name Dropper
    the only person who can change the current position is you.  Nobody else sees it as you do.

     you accept that things will not change so it is no use hankering over what was or what might be.

    it will never be again. Things can never go back to what they were as that relationship has been broken.  People are getting on with their lives in a different way now.

     you find a way to build bridges again.

    if you cannot see that happening then stop yearning for what  you cannot have. You are picking at a scab and preventing it healing.  

    But, consider that one day you may have regrets when it is too late to change anything.

    You will not forget but you can call a truce.
  • pmlindyloopmlindyloo Forumite
    13K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Many thanks again for the replies.

    But maybe you are the cause of it continuing.
    Your poor siblings are working on the knowledge they have about what happened which is why they can't understand why you haven't got over it.

    The reason I have not told them the full story is because I didnt want anyone else to fall out with her. I did tell one sibling and she was disgusted so much so that she now does not speak to the person either and I feel bad about thier relationship being affected. 
    I did try to explain to another sibling butwhen I said I wanted to talk about it she said 'Stop right there, xxxx has tried to tell me what happened and Im not listening to her either, I wont be in a position where I need to take sides between family members' 

    This is the bit that stands out for me - that she had also experienced this happening to her.  And it seems that she found a way to deal with it - different from the way you wanted to deal with it.  But perhaps if she supported/acknowledged your hurt from this other person it would have personal repercussions on her - reopen the wounds or otherwise undo her own defensive response.  If she acknowledged the significance of what happened to you would she have to acknowledge to herself the significance of what happened to her?  I wonder if being open to yourself that she too was injured but found a way of coping that needs very different support might help you find a way through this.

    She has always been and still is bullied by the person. Its actually one of her children. Her way of coping is to either pretend its not happening or give in to everything till the abuse stops.  Its been going on for some years now and thats what gets to me, I have been a safe haven for her when she has been distraught so many times. She has had so much abuse but now the person is in a relationship so no longer living at home. 
    Ive mopped so many tears and bathed so many bruises but when the abuse was given to me  insted of any understanding I got 'xxxx wouldnt have really meant it, you know what they are like' and on one occasion I was asked 'Are you sure you did nothing to provoke xxxx'. 
    The only reason I was there in the first place was because my sibling had asked me to go round and try to speak to the person as they had just put a window through in anger and pushed my sibling through it.  I got there and all hell was letting loose and my sibling ran out of the house in fear. I held the person back as they were going to give chase and I was terrified of what they would do to my sibling. I got a tirade of abusive language and a black eye for trying to hold on to the person. Yet Im the bad guy now because I wont just say 'Oh its ok, forget it'.

    I think the bit in bold says it all.
    You do not want a relationship with either party.
    You are grieving for something that is lost and can never be regained by your own admission.

    I think this is very true. I feel Ive lost so much. As I said we were incredibly close all our lives, holidays together, saw each other daily etc. I know people say I should go to family do's but it would be so uncomfortable. I know a couple of siblings think I should just get over it, one no longer speaks to me because they are of the opinion that whilst the person 'Can be a b++++, we know what they are like and its not worth a family rift'.

    I feel as if Im being treated by some as if Im the cause of the trouble when I was the one who got the abuse, the person was 16 at the time yet its deemed acceptable not only for it to have happened to me but also that I have no right to be annoyed or upset by it.
    This makes so much more sense now.

    I  am not going to try to make excuses for your sister or her child’s behaviour.  There are none.

    But it is possible that there are reasons for why they both behaved in that way.

    The behaviour of the 16 year old is unacceptable but not totally uncommon.  I hope the child has received some help for their issues.

    I could also have ‘a go’ at explaining the mother’s response but I am not going to.

    Instead I am going to urge you to get some professional help.  Someone who will help you through the path of exploring your options in this situation.

    Three years is an incredibly long time to have lived with this not least because you actually went through a very traumatic event at the time - the assault itself. 

    A good therapist is worth their weight in gold so find one, stick with it and get the help you, your husband and family deserve.

  • swingaloo2swingaloo2 Forumite
    395 Posts
    100 Posts Name Dropper
    Thank you pmlindyloo.

    I was trying not to go into too much of the detail till my last post but without the detail it does seem as if Im making a mountian out of a molehill I suppose. 

    I am grateful for your suggestion and I will follow up what you suggest.
  • izawaizawa Forumite
    137 Posts
    100 Posts Second Anniversary Name Dropper Photogenic
    I have same problem, I can't and I won't forgive.
    I am relationship expert. Don't feel shy, say hello.
  • tooldletooldle Forumite
    1.3K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    I'm in a similar scenario. In my case it is my only sibling who is the abuser and our parent who is the enabler. After 51 yrs I've had enough. I see no reason to explain myself to anybody. If it were me i would be tempted to go to gatherings and if anyone tries to raise the subject, just shut it down instantly with an 'it's not up for discussion' type comment. Families can be very strange in that dysfunctional behaviour becomes normalised only when somebody is brave enough to stand against it. The phrase i am using is 'your behaviour is not acceptable to me and the subject is not open for discussion'. 
  • edited 3 August 2021 at 8:51AM
    sassybluesassyblue Forumite
    3.8K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    edited 3 August 2021 at 8:51AM
    I’m in the same situation. You wouldn’t believe the amount of trouble and drama my sister has caused for over 30 years, she’s a pathological narcissist. The trouble is she’s found herself a boyfriend who is equally as depressive and stupid and together they are toxic. 

    The night our dad died she and her boyfriend assaulted my mum and sister and naturally lied about it to the family which is now divided. I will never forgive her. Ever. My dad was a happy go lucky person, he didn’t deserve the disrespect when he was alive, let alone now. He took her aside several times when he was alive about her behaviour but she is totally out of control now.

    there are some private Facebook groups for support because of toxic/narcissistic family members I use, have a search.

    Sending healing thoughts to others!

    Happy moneysaving all.
  • KiKiKiKi Forumite
    5.4K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts
    I fell out with someone who I thought was a very close friend 8 years ago.  I was devastated by the way she treated me.  It went over and over in my mind for months.  It was all I could think about, and I used to get so angry and debate with her in my head.  In the end, I thought "what do I want?"  I wanted an apology.  And then I realised I'm never going to get it because she's a narcissist, and couldn't see what she'd done wrong.

    I don't know if I've forgiven her.  But I did decide that I couldn't let her ruin my life any longer.  So I went to events she was at (that we were both invited to) and simply ignored her the whole time.  Not in a stroppy way, unhappy to be there, but being really happy in front of other people.  She ended up being quite upset after a few years that we were no longer friends, but I've never spoken to her since.

    Given that it's your sibling's child, I can understand why they are defending them.  Right or wrong, there's something about that parental bond - and the fact that your sibling has been on the end of their abuse, too - that's not going to change that.  It's not like they're an in-law who is easily ignored.  From your other siblings' perspectives, you are causing the problem - you're the reason the family events don't happen anymore (not just in their heads - you are the reason!).  If you're not prepared to tell them the truth, or get help, then I'm not sure what else there is to do.

    But proper counselling to help you work through it sounds like it's needed, as to be this angry so long after, with someone who wasn't even the original reason - to the point that you've removed all family photos - doesn't sound like it's healthy for you or your relationships.  I hope you manage to work through it. :)
    ' <-- See that? It's called an apostrophe. It does not mean "hey, look out, here comes an S".
  • VikipollardVikipollard Forumite
    739 Posts
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Posts Name Dropper Debt-free and Proud!
    Bit late to the party with this one.  I take it you didn't report the assault to the police, which is a pity (in my view).  Said individual needs to understand the consequences of their behaviour and that it is not, and will never be, acceptable.  This would not necessarily have led to a criminal outcome; it might have fast tracked access to services.

    A way forward *might* be that just the siblings meet for a meal.  No children involved.  That way, you will at least see whether being in the same room as your sibling is possible.  It should not mean you have to ostracise yourself from others.

    Another option is to consider going away with the two siblings who refuse to go if you aren't there.  It keeps a line open.

    My sister and I have a very fragile relationship.  She would say she walks on eggshells around me.  I would say she breached my trust in the most horrific and unforgivable way possible.  Four years with no contact, except some very nasty cards sent to cause distress on my birthday.  But I know she is currently going through a devastatingly traumatic time, so I have made contact to offer support.  I have made it clear I will not take sides and despite her best efforts to be a martyr and push me away, we are still speaking.  I haven't forgiven her, and will never be able to, but there had to be a way forward.

    Hope this helps, and that things work out for you.
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