Equal partners

onylon

My husband has been working part time or not at all for the last 2 years. He has retreated into video games and spends all day and night in his office with noise cancelling headphones on. This makes him unavailable most of the time even though he is only in the other room and I basically feel like I'm on my own. If I need something from him it has to be scheduled in advance so I generally just do it by myself because it's easier. Even things that he has agreed to do are half done or not done at all. I could nag him but then that's another chore for me and I don't want the drama. I'm already pretty busy fixing up our new house/garden, keeping on top of the housework while holding down the full time job that pays our bills. He knows that what he's doing is wrong because he constantly lies to friends and family and takes credit for my work eg. claiming he planted a hedge or painted a room.

How can I get him to step up? I want a partner and a sex life but I'm living with a 40+ man who behaves like a stereotypical teenage boy. 

jennystarpepper

Does he have any mental health issues that you know of or is he just being lazy?

Have you told him how you feel and has he made any attempts to change?  If he does not undersand how you feel, could you write it down, maybe he then can't ignore your feelings.

If he still continues have you thought about what you want and how to go about it, would you  be happy without him or will you put up with how he treats you.  Maybe start with telling him next time he takes credit for something you do you will 'call him out' on it with the people he is telling the lies to?

HampshireH

I was about to say the same.

Call him out on his lies.

Tell him how unhappy you are

Stop doing things for him such as cooking and doing his laundry if you are and see how long it takes for him to realise you aren't his maid or his mother.

Mojisola

onylon said:

He knows that what he's doing is wrong because he constantly lies to friends and family and takes credit for my work eg. claiming he planted a hedge or painted a room.

And you don't laugh out loud and say that he couldn't have done because he's playing games all the time?

onylon

He started making a bit of an effort this week so maybe he saw this thread.

I'm not a mental health professional but I don't think he's depressed or addicted to his games. He just prefers gaming or talking to his friends to DIY or cleaning (who doesn't?).

I think it's in my best interest to keep doing his washing. A big part of the problem is that I place more value on hygiene and having a nice home than he does. I don't expect him to put as much time/effort into this stuff as I do. I just want him to quietly get on with the things he has already agreed to do and leave his office occasionally.

Mojisola

onylon said:

He just prefers gaming or talking to his friends to DIY or cleaning (who doesn't?).

Referring to the title of this thread - you haven't got an equal partner - you're parenting a selfish teenager.

onylon

Mojisola said:

onylon said:

He just prefers gaming or talking to his friends to DIY or cleaning (who doesn't?).

Referring to the title of this thread - you haven't got an equal partner - you're parenting a selfish teenager.

That is exactly how it feels a lot of the time

[Deleted User]

You could take a leaf out of this man’s book. 

https://www.bbc.com/news/technology-20931304

CookieMonster

More info needed.
How long are you married, was he gaming before you married him, what is his career, what were his normal working hours up until 2 years ago, was his job stressful, do you have children, has he lost someone close to him in the past few years, any other changes in habits or behaviours, any other relevant information?

What is your relationship like?
What was your relationship like?

Is it possible that his (change in?) behaviour has been triggered by or is the result of something that you can relate it to?

Primrose

i'd write to him, registered mail, so that it jogs his attention, telling  him you're seriously considering g a divorce unless he pulls  his socks up, and ask him to fix a date with you, minus his headphones, to discuss whether he wants to be a working partner in your marriage or quit.

Sometimes  a rude shock is the only way of jerking people out of their complacency.
And have a specific list written ready to quote to him listing issues on which you want to see an improvement.  If he doesn,t have any obvious mental health issues whixh could be responsible for this reclusive behaviour, he,s probably getting away with it because you,re allowing him to and doing the patient wife act. This is actually enabling behaviour so maybe you need to change your tactics? 

fudgecat

Seconding Cookie Monster's. questionsds