Relationship struggling
tink_1983
Forumite 319 Posts
For context...
We've been trying to sell our home and upsize since last August. Two sellers dropped out at point of exchange.. which has led to what can only be described as a horribly stressful time.
My partner and me have two children, aged 6 & 8 and can comfortably afford the new bigger house, and we have outgrown the new build 3 bed semi.
But after last buyer pulled out I wanted to take a break and just let the dust settle.
I am full of anxiety and its all I think about now, and it feels like it's taken over our life.
She didn't agree as the house we want is willing to wait, so we now have a new buyer and start the process again.
I feel she has ignored my feelings and explanation of the impact this is having on me. Yes we want to move, but things are miserable at the moment and I have to wonder if its worth this much stress right now.
The house we have only feels so small as we now wfh. We could extend into loft to make another room but she won't even discuss options.
We have half the house packed and her attitude towards it all has made me wonder if she even knows me at all.
I don't know how to not worry and stress over this process and she takes it in her stride.
I've tried to talk to her about it all, but we end up going around in circles arguing.
Don't know what I'm expecting any one to say. But I'd like the perspective of someone who is not our friend or family member of possible.
Am I being ridiculous to think we should take 6 months to take stock and assess what we are doing.
Enjoy the summer with our kids and enjoy the house we have now.
I'm at the point where I'm working out if I can afford this house solo or not. 😞
We've been trying to sell our home and upsize since last August. Two sellers dropped out at point of exchange.. which has led to what can only be described as a horribly stressful time.
My partner and me have two children, aged 6 & 8 and can comfortably afford the new bigger house, and we have outgrown the new build 3 bed semi.
But after last buyer pulled out I wanted to take a break and just let the dust settle.
I am full of anxiety and its all I think about now, and it feels like it's taken over our life.
She didn't agree as the house we want is willing to wait, so we now have a new buyer and start the process again.
I feel she has ignored my feelings and explanation of the impact this is having on me. Yes we want to move, but things are miserable at the moment and I have to wonder if its worth this much stress right now.
The house we have only feels so small as we now wfh. We could extend into loft to make another room but she won't even discuss options.
We have half the house packed and her attitude towards it all has made me wonder if she even knows me at all.
I don't know how to not worry and stress over this process and she takes it in her stride.
I've tried to talk to her about it all, but we end up going around in circles arguing.
Don't know what I'm expecting any one to say. But I'd like the perspective of someone who is not our friend or family member of possible.
Am I being ridiculous to think we should take 6 months to take stock and assess what we are doing.
Enjoy the summer with our kids and enjoy the house we have now.
I'm at the point where I'm working out if I can afford this house solo or not. 😞
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Replies
However, I don't think you should let your anxiety and stress impact upon the rest of the family. There are three other people in your home and, presumably, they're all feeling squashed in the current home if you've really outgrown it. You feel like your partner is ignoring your feelings, but are you guilty of ignoring everybody else's needs because of your own anxiety, too?
If you're already half packed and have done all the estate agenty stuff to sell, pausing for 6 months really doesn't make much sense to me. Think of all the wasted time on packing, taking photos etc that will need to be redone if you stop and start. You'll also need to find another home to buy, if you give up on the current one.
Having fairly recently had a loft extension done, I can assure you that it's not a stress free option either and it won't give you extra family space downstairs. Pre-covid, ours was about 8 months start to finish but I think waiting lists are longer now.
Have you looked into ways to reduce your anxiety? There are lots of resources online or perhaps your GP could point you in the right direction. Moving house is horrible for most people, but it should be something you can manage, especially with a partner to share the load, so I think it's a good idea to look at why you find it overwhelming and look at ways to change that.
Personally, when it comes to big projects like moving house, building work etc, I find it helpful to have a partner who pushes me into things. He generally takes the initiative and gets the ball rolling, then I cope best by concentrating on smaller projects within the big one. Would your partner be willing to push things forward to give you a mental break from the stress? The smaller projects (pack the dining room, sign X, show Mrs Smith round) are just as important but, as they have a clearer start and end, you might find them easier to handle.
I do struggle with anxiety and have done for years, I normally have it under control with exercise and other coping mechanisms but this last 10 months has been next level.
I am also the doer of the two of us so the one that pushes things forward and I manage most of the house things.
Bur maybe I do need to push that back a little and ask for help.
I try not to impact the kids, but yes it is hard and I'm sure with all the other issues this last year it is not what they need.
If she's being intransigent in her opinion and wishes, do the same?
You're already arguing and she doesn't seem to care about how it's affecting you.
You should both want to move at the same time.
Take as long off as you wish - some jobs will return to offices, so that might ease things.
Consider your options.
Being solo is better than with someone who doesn't care for you (in my opinion)
Is there any time frame for both of you being able to go back to work?
Are you moving into a different area which would mean the children move schools? Because if so it makes a lot of sense to try and have it sorted by September.
I'm asking because it may well be that she feels that you are not listening to her, just as much as you feel it. I can see her point, if you are definitely going to move then the stress is going to happen anyway, whether it's now or in 6 months it might be worth getting it over with.
Clear communication is the only way to resolve anything, and that goes two ways. She might not be listening enough, but maybe you aren't being clear enough. Sometimes we think we are and that something should be obvious, but it's really not.
I would suggest a nice dinner, a few drinks, and do a pros and cons list together. Try and take out the emotion, think of it in terms of logistics, finances, impact on schooling, all that practical stuff. Then you can make an informed decision together for the way forward.
Whatever her feelings, yours and her reactions are both valid, but at the moment your different approaches are causing a clash between you both--not surprising when Covid, lockdowns (and all they bring), and a stressful house move are all on the table.
However, splitting up also brings stress. Especially when you have children and have to discuss custody arrangements, finances, and the reality that both of you will have to become part-time parents, after always seeing your children every day for all, or most of their lives so far.
Can you pin down what you are most worried about and tackle each issue one at a time in a conversation with your partner, as well as listening to their point of view and reasons for wanting to continue the move. Seek help from Relate or similar if that would help.
I also wonder if a short break would help. Maybe take a week or a weekend out and see if you can get away for a few days, either as a family or just as a couple? Could family members have the children for a few days so that you and your partner can have some fun time off together.
Even something as simple as resolving that you won't discuss house moves on Saturdays, or after 9pm or something like that, would give you a mental bread and take the pressure off a bit.
Good luck, I hope you get it sorted!
The need to move won't go away as we have had it confirmed I'll be wfh 3 days a week..but really this could change down the line.
I think I am emotionally exhausted by it all and we just handle things differently.
Luckily we are only moving a mile or so down the road so the kids don't have to change schools.
I think your right she just wants to push through and I see the reasoning.
I know it makes the most sense but I feel overwhelmed with worry it'll all fall apart again I guess. But it's out of my control and I need to remember that.
Breaking up really isn't on the cards. We have a lovely life together, I'm just not handling this all very well.
Ultimately we are annoying each other when we need to pull together.
I've just suggested a weekend away which raised a nice smile and response 😊
Thanks again everyone
Moving house is always stressful but it affects people in very different ways. In our case i'm the one who spends hours searching and viewing while hubby states that he does not care where we live as long as I'm happy, he says bricks dont make a home.
On the other hand Im one for fine research and then when I finally decide (hubby didnt even see the house we are in now until after the offer was accepted) I go into overdrive planning, choosing curtains etc and start packing up way to soon, so much so that I have been known to have to unpack several boxes which I thought we would not need till after the move!
While I understand that you have anxiety issues I agree with the other poster who said that delaying the move will not make any difference as you will still have the same thing to go through and will probably get stressed just thinking that it is all to come in the future rather than something you are going through right now.
Perhaps your wife is a bit like me, I know that if I was planning a move, especially with 2 children I would want to get on and get it done with. At this stage I would be hoping it could all be done before Christmas, the winter and dark nights set in.
Once I had found the house I wanted I was so invested in what I wanted to do and when, we did have set backs which added time on but, if my hubby had suddenly pulled the plug and said we will start again in a few months I would have been gutted. I think men think in more practical terms but women get much more emotionally involved, it's a 'nesting' thing.
You are both looking at this from your own perspective and neither of you probably fully understands the others thinking.
Talking it through is the only solution. Did you want to plan a future on your own before talk of a house move? If you did then the house move is not the problem.
Ever since I have understood why I get stressed when I feel things aren't under control, it helps me understand my reaction and it also helps my partner understand why I get very anxious and stressed about certain things. We can joke a bit about it and manage it, whereas previously we would often rub each other up the wrong way.