Children growing up so quickly

MrsPorridge

This could me!  I only have one son.  When we took him to University 6 years ago I spent the whole day crying my eyes out.  I couldn't believe how upset I was - no one seems to talk about this and I didn't expect the reaction - it was as bad as grieving (which I suppose in a way it was).

He is now 26 and living away from home in London - he never did move back home after uni.  Although he is talking about coming back "home" and is looking at jobs in the area.  He has spent many holidays with us and we have a great relationship.  It's different to when he was living with us as a child, but its a great relationship and I am enjoying him being an adult.  It will get better - I promise.

Spendless

I could have written this. My youngest turned 18 a few months ago. She goes to Uni (drama school actually) in September. My older one is  21 already at Uni, entering his 4th year (he had to do foundation year first). Older one hasn't come back properly in the hols since the 1st lockdown. He has met his girlfriend at Uni and their plans for next year after he graduates involve going where the work is (so unlikely to be around here!). I never 'grieved' for the older one going. At the time youngest was very ill (MH) caused by school issues (she was under CAMHS for suicidal ideation) and I was relieved to only have one I needed to concentrate on. at home. 

Daughter's issues has meant over the last couple of years I haven't made a 'life for me'  My workplace closed down when we were going through the school stress, so I thought it better not to look for something else just yet. 10.5 months later with daughter settled in her sixth form course I found a part time job, which I enjoyed and fitted in with the dog we'd got to help with daughter's anxiety. Then lockdown 1 came and they ended my job in the first week. I've not worked since. 

I do think the past 15 months have also created an 'artificial' time for this life stage of children. They've been at home more with on-line learning, might have not been able to attend (or get!) a part time job because of it and at the same time you're missing out on their last/first experiences. I should be being excited about daughter's first abroad holiday without us, instead I'm worrying about covid tests and the need to isolate on return and wondering if the country will go from Amber to Green before she travels next month, I had hopes for last week but it wasn't to be.  I'm immensely proud of daughter's drama school offer, it's hard to get a place (and hard to get a performance job, but she knows that).

Son studies 100 miles North of us, and daughter is going to be 3.5 hours drive south of us, which to me sums up their childhood as siblings! 

TBagpuss

I think it is pretty normal, and perhaps may be worse this year in that lock downs has made it harder for him to have a gradual increase in independence as might otherwise have been expected at his age.
It's good that you recognise that it's a 'you' issue, and I'd recommend as far as you can, than you support and encourage him in being more independent, rather than letting him see too much of how it upsets you. Even if you don't intend it that way, f he see's you in tears or struggling with letting go, it may feel to him as though you are guilt-tripping him and trying to manipulate him into staying round more. (I don't think, from what you have described, that that is true at all of what you are doing, but perception is as important as reality, and if he feels trapped or pressured then he's far more likely to fight back against it!) 

I do think that that if you a able to be supportive and encouraging of his independence it makes it more likely that he will feel comfortable staying in closer contact - if you treat him as an adult who you respect to make his own choices, he doesn't need to prove to you that he is and he can! 

It is har, but it sounds as though you are on the right track with managing your own feeling s yourself, rather than expecting him to manage them for you. Keep it uo, and look forward to moving into a new, more equal relationship with him, 

strawb_shortcake

Thank you all for replying, I have at times found it quite difficult to work out what to reply, especially when others have been through some really difficult times with their children. 

I do feel as if I've found some peace, we had a weekend away without the eldest which went far better than anticipated, I did enjoy myself and wasn't constantly worrying about it.
He has agreed to come on holiday next year which we are assuming will most likely be our last full family holiday for some time and I'm okay with that, for one thing trying to please two children is much easier  than pleasing 3!

Other than that, I'll take each day and event as it comes and reaffirm to myself not to worry about what I can't change, as well as congratulating myself on bringing up a really lovely child, I may well be biased but I really can't fault him in anyway.