Children growing up so quickly

strawb_shortcake

**This may be a long and rambling brain dump**

How do other parents cope with this, over the last 14 months or so my eldest Son seems to have gone from Child to young adult, he turns 18 later in the year and I'm really starting to feel those apron strings fraying, and I don't like it, I just want to keep him a little bit longer :-( We had so many plans to travel last year and do different things, and now we can start to go places he no longer wants to come with us. I don't really blame him and I'm certainly not going to force him to do things with us.
Looking back to when I was younger, I was out far more than he was and never gave a second thought as to my parents may actually be worried about me, I knew I was okay and that's all that mattered.

Don't get me wrong, I've tried so hard to encourage independence and a sense of adventure and I really do want to see them stretch their wings as they make their way in the world, they have taken advantage of this and had some great experiences, but I feel in preparing them for the big wide world I neglected to prepare myself. It's not even as if I have nothing else to fill my time, I have a career working fully time, I volunteer, I'm attempting to get back into running. 
If I'm struggling now, how am I going to feel when the youngest comes to fly the nest??
Sometimes, I even wish I had a fast forward button to skip ahead to know they are all happy, healthy and safe to take away this knot of worry.

I do feel completely bonkers writing this so hopefully someone can tell me its completely normal - I shan't push for rational. It just feels like the hardest bit of parenting 

Savvy_Sue

Nope, it's normal ...

But I'd say that without worrying about it, it is worth thinking about what you can do / want to do / might want to do when they have all flown the nest (and hopefully none of them fly back again!)

I realised - I think when youngest was in GCSE years, middle was in 6th form and eldest had gone to Uni - that there was no longer the excuse of 'no time / got to sort out the kids' to stop me going to the gym. Or doing anything else, really. And I think it was about then that I changed from working 5 short days (to fit in with school) to doing 4 'normal' days - which gave a day for ME to do what I wanted to do. 

RetSol

I neglected to prepare myself.

Hello @annabanana82.   I'll kick off the discussion but I am sure that many others more qualified than me will wish to comment. 

This quoted passage s very likely to be true.  Not your fault but it's time to think about yourself and how you prepare for this next stage in the your life and that of your children. 

It just feels like the hardest bit of parenting 

Also likely to be true.  Well done for realising it.  You will have a better relationship with your adult children if you confront this difficulty. 

You may be interested in the podcasts produced by This Jungian Life, including this one - https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly90aGlzanVuZ2lhbmxpZmUubGlic3luLmNvbS9yc3M/episode/MWYzMTIzNWQtYWJjNS00ZTExLWIwZTEtMGRmYWI3ZDdkZDQy?ep=14 - which deals with young adulthood.

Best of luck! 

kaMelo

What you are describing is totally normal, I think we all go through this to some degree as it doesn't matter that they now tower over you, you still remember them when they were tiny and, certainly in my mind they are all still my "babies" yet deep down know they have to find their own way. You can advise all you like, try to help them learn from your mistakes but some lessons they need to learn themselves. That's painful to watch but it has to be.
Be happy with your work, you did a good job. If it's any consolation they never truly go away, there is always something they need help with and you'll find you're always the first port of call. 

strawb_shortcake

Thank you, that does make me feel a little better. I guess to some degree its readjusting as they find their freedom again following lockdown. Prior the older two had been doing DofE and Ten Tors training so were out most weekends walking miles and had been camping, so not like they were wrapped in cotton wool 

My Husband and I do have plans to travel, and will be able to go more frequently and further afield with not having to pay for 3 children too, but I should probably look to find another hobby too

gavinaw

Hey there. I know this process is going to be hard but it really is part of life. I guess what you can do now is to really spend time with your youngest. This way, you're making sure that you won't have regrets when this happens again, but this time, with him.

Even if your eldest son wants to have that sense of freedom, you can still have the time to bond. I actually think that it is going to be better during this time. Now that he's all grown up and matured, you can have more meaningful times together. It just lies on how you communicate and respond to him.

strawb_shortcake

gavinaw said:

Hey there. I know this process is going to be hard but it really is part of life. I guess what you can do now is to really spend time with your youngest. This way, you're making sure that you won't have regrets when this happens again, but this time, with him.

Even if your eldest son wants to have that sense of freedom, you can still have the time to bond. I actually think that it is going to be better during this time. Now that he's all grown up and matured, you can have more meaningful times together. It just lies on how you communicate and respond to him.

Thank you, we do have a really good relationship and shared interests so it may not be quite as bad as it felt last night  after he told us he didn't want to come away with us. 

We did set aside a chunk of money for them to spend on experiences together that we  forgot about so I using that to plan some days out and trips might be a good starting point to create some new memories.

I also think with boys they tend to seek independence more, my Daughter on the other is much more of a limpet, and my youngest Son is very much a Mummy's boy. 

RAS

If your son feels that you are "clutching" at him, he will try harder to strike out independently. If he feels that you can let go, he will find it easier to stay in touch. Think of the horse whisperer.

princeofpounds

As he starts to live more independently in the world, there is probably a good chance that he will start to understand everything you have done for him over the years (ok, maybe he will need to get a year of partying out of the way first!). If anything that intensifies even more whenever they get around to starting families of their own.

Keep making sure you do things together. Not necessarily in each other's pockets, but occasional things sustained over the years ahead. It will feel like less of an imposition than trying to fit in tons of activity as lockdown is ending.

strawb_shortcake

RAS said:

If your son feels that you are "clutching" at him, he will try harder to strike out independently. If he feels that you can let go, he will find it easier to stay in touch. Think of the horse whisperer.

Thank you, I have been quite open about how I'm feeling and making it clear that it's my issue and that I fully support him going out and that I don't want to stop him doing different things

helensbiggestfan

What you are feeling is absolutely normal.  It is hard.   I sobbed my heart out when my boys left to go to university.  😂🤣. Even my husband shed a few surreptitious tears when he thought no one was looking.  It would take a heart of stone not to miss our babies when they fly the nest.  

The thing is its  all part of the circle of life. It's a parents job to give our children both a solid foundation and wings to fly.   I found it helped to remember the old saying. "Our children aren't ours  to keep, we only get to borrow them for a while". Having said that if we've  done a good job, then we can let them fly the nest with our blessing, safe in the knowledge that they will always come back, not just when they need us but because they enjoy our company,  

My babies 😂 (boys) are now 37 and 35 and we have a really good close relationship, we are good friends.  

 The younger one went through a funny phase when he was about 14 when he wouldn't be seen dead with me outside the house,  He wouldn't walk with me and pretended we weren't together.  I didn't take it personally, I just laughed it off.  It was just a silly phase and didn't last long, just a few weeks when he was at his most gangly, awkward and self conscious.  At home we the best of pals and it wasn't long before he was happy to be going out and about with me again.  Whilst his elder brother went to the football with his dad on a Saturday afternoon, the youngest one and I usually went to the cinema or popped into the city centre for lunch and a mooch round the shops.  

  Both boys continued to come on holiday with us well into their 20s, even though they were at university and also went on holidays with their mates.  They loved travelling with us. Of course they did, a free holiday is a free holiday. 😂🤣.  

Sadly their father died when the eldest turned 30. His long illness and subsequent death seems to have bought the boys and I closer than ever.  We cherish and care for each other, and help each other out in all sorts of ways.  

Both have lovely women in their lives and the eldest now has two boys of his own.  The circle of life........😁.    I have been on holiday with the eldest and his little family a couple of times. My son and DIL really appreciate  an extra pair of hands to help with the grandchildren to give them a few much needed breaks, especially since they were both working from home during the various lockdowns, trying to juggle childcare and work.  

Keep your chin up, stay busy, it gets easier.  

You will miss your boy, of course you will but if you can let go with a good grace and let him soar then your relationship with the man he becomes will grow and flourish and become stronger than ever.