How much should my partner contribute if he moves in with me

Mickey666

Sounds like a great relationship if this sort of question needs to posted on a public forum full of random strangers.   It might be helpful to hear other opinions but ultimately the OP must decide what they are prepared to put up with.  

My own opinion is that the 'partner' concerned is not worthy of the description if this is their approach to a relationship . . . but I guess it takes all sorts.

AnotherJoe

hjbeee said:

Partner owns his own home, no mortgage. If he moves in with me he'd let it out per bedroom. Conservative estimate is £9600 a year he would gain if he lets it out to students in the university town where he currently lives.
He'd find a job here in the same kind of role and have a commute of 3 miles if he lived here. He's currently commuting for an hour. So there's a saving on petrol and other running costs such as wear and tear straight away.
I have pointed out that I would lose the 25% council tax discount if he moves in and he will also give me an undetermined amount for food.
He seems to think I will cover all the rent on my place, all my utility, Internet and other bills and he can basically live here for nothing, pocketing every penny he gets in rent on his house.
How should I work out what is actually fair as at the moment, I think he's trying to take advantage of me.
I have called him out on all of this and he still hasn't offered to contribute more or indeed quantify exactly how much he's prepared to give me even for food.
He's just assumed I'll go along with his plans, give him everything he wants and he gets to make thousands a year out of this, basically.

Everything you posted about his house, his savings on commute etc, are irrelevant.

Only two things are relevant.

1. He should go halves with you on everything.

2. Why on earth are you even contemplating continuing a  relationship with this freeloader ?

mobileron

Get a real man,not a scrounger. Tell us what his good points are?

Nikkilou86

When I first moved in with my then boyfriend now husband he was earning circa £40k and I was earning circa £30k - at his insistence we totalled up all the bills/food/some fun money for when we went out together etc. minuses it from the total amount we earned jointly and then divided the remainder by two.

This meant that he put more into the joint pot than me but we both had exactly the same personal money left after the bills were paid which put us on an equal footing. I was also paying out for my season ticket loan whereas he cycled to worked so my travel came out before I put anything into the joint pot. To keep it fair he used the joint pot to pay for any tube fares at weekends or bike maintenance. 

Years later and we own our own home and I’m currently putting in nothing. When our little boy was born we made the decision for me not to return to my London job and to set up on my own once the little one turned 1yr. Then Covid happened and we’ve recently found out we’re expecting our second child so my business plans are firmly on hold for now as it would involve various customers coming into our home.

Would he have begrudged paying for everything when I was working - absolutely, and so he should have. Does he now? Not at all. He still gives me equal personal money to him each month, and tbh I’m the one that deals with the bills etc, although I always telling him where we are if he wants/needs to know. Even when I set up on my own my earning potential is a drop in the ocean compared to his now, but we’re in a very different position to then. I supported him for six months of earning zero when he set up his business five years ago too.

It depends on your overall circumstances, individual income etc. I was adamant everything should be 50/50 at the start but hubby taught me that being equal didn’t necessarily mean 50/50 on bills, but equal overall. Many might not agree but we’ve sat in restaurants many a time with friends arguing over who’s turn it is to pay the bill, watched many friends relationships end over inequality as one of them has a lot and the other nothing. I might not put 50% of the money in the bank but then I wouldn’t expect hubby to do 50% of running the household either. 

Look at the overall picture not just the money and make sure you are both truly equal. 

chrisw

It sounds like a poor relationship to me.

To put the other side, my now wife moved in with me, albeit 30 years ago, and the question never even arose. She just started paying for food, holidays, clothes, etc. That's more or less the arrangement we still have today, I tend to pay the house related bills whereas she tends to pay our living expenses and holidays.

She now earns more than me but I probably pay out more overall, but I'm not really bothered. 

MovingForwards

Better to have found out what he's like before living together. You've found his true persona.

In a rental it's 50/50 all the way, unless both agree otherwise.

Falafels

It's not just the money which is the issue here, though it's a symptom of it.

It's his sense of entitlement and assumption that you will take care of all the adult responsibilities while he coasts along with a load of extra pocket money, even though your costs will increase because he's there. 

If he hadn't really thought about it, but was willing to engage once you'd raised the issues, that would be one thing. But this guy sounds like a taker par excellence who's happy to use you for his own personal gain whilst disregarding you. 

People like this, charming and lovely though they may be when you have your separate lives and homes, do not make good committed partners. You ask what would be fair here... I'd say that the first thing you should do is to take a long, hard look at the situation and be fair TO YOURSELF before considering him - because he certainly isn't going to do that for you. You are taking on someone with a parasite's mindset, and there's absolutely no guarantee he'd contribute even if you worked out a reasonable share. You already have a sense that he's trying to take advantage of you... listen to that inner voice, because it's telling you everything you need to know.

I'm not suggesting that you end the relationship, but don't let this guy move in with you unless he really steps up to the plate - or you'll swiftly regret it.

In response to your original question: assuming that you earn similar amounts... fairness would be to look at the fixed costs - rent, council tax and utilities - and divide those 50:50. I lived with a guy where we opened a joint account for just those purposes; we'd pay in what was due that month including food bills; plus a bit extra, which built up a reserve in case of unexpected expenses. We also kept our own separate bank accounts. It worked well.

Gynx

I think the fact you have had to come on here to ask the question highlights larger problems than this specific issue.

He clearly is not a keeper.

pinkshoes

I think you should run a mile from this person!!! His attitude and idea of what is fair does not indicate the sort of person you want to get into a long term relationship with...

If you still actually want to move in with him, and assuming your property is rented, then ALL bills (rent, council tax, water, elec, internet, gas and food) should be split 50/50.

His income from his own property is irrelevant and commuting costs are irrelevant.

verytired11

hjbeee said:

Partner owns his own home, no mortgage. If he moves in with me he'd let it out per bedroom. Conservative estimate is £9600 a year he would gain if he lets it out to students in the university town where he currently lives.
He'd find a job here in the same kind of role and have a commute of 3 miles if he lived here. He's currently commuting for an hour. So there's a saving on petrol and other running costs such as wear and tear straight away.
I have pointed out that I would lose the 25% council tax discount if he moves in and he will also give me an undetermined amount for food.
He seems to think I will cover all the rent on my place, all my utility, Internet and other bills and he can basically live here for nothing, pocketing every penny he gets in rent on his house.
How should I work out what is actually fair as at the moment, I think he's trying to take advantage of me.
I have called him out on all of this and he still hasn't offered to contribute more or indeed quantify exactly how much he's prepared to give me even for food.
He's just assumed I'll go along with his plans, give him everything he wants and he gets to make thousands a year out of this, basically.

As others have said, this is not a financial issue but a relationship one.  Pay attention to the process of what is happening (he is using you, ignores your perspective and expects you to go along with what suits him), not just the content (discussion about financial arrangements).  This process will show up again and again and is the very fabric of your relationship.  You can't change him, all you can do is decide where your own boundaries are and stick with them.  If that results in him falling by the wayside, well you found out quicker what he is really like rather than hoping he will turn into someone else.