Should I supplement my child maintenance with payments for kids clubs & societies? 17 May 2021 at 12:27PM in Marriage, relationships & families 13 replies 997 views

MPE-J

My ex recently sent me an unsubtle message stated she is paying over £150 a month for the assorted clubs our kids attend.

She was an abusive and controlling partner who ran up debts of thousands including bullying me into an unaffordable mortgage and left me to crawl away with a debt of £30K+ four years ago.

She bought me out of the family house at the cost of me taking on a portion of her debts to give her the liquidity to get a mortgage. I suspect her financial acumen has little improved from when we were together and she would insist she deserved whatever it was and just put it on another credit card.

I bought a wreck of a fixer upper and have slowly coaxed it into life whilst living frugally and paying off said debts.

im now down to £15K of (her) debt and am starting to be able to actually have a disposable income.

I have consistently paid her full maintenance (in addition to forking out four figures a month in debt repayment) whilst having the kids twice a week and regularly buying them clothes, shoes and equipment for their various hobbies.

I don’t want the kids to suffer but also grew up with the principle that if there wasn’t the money it didn’t happen.

She’s getting what she’s due and I help out buying kit etc as mentioned, the vindictive part of me wants her to have to suck it up but I am in a position where I could pay it despite the fact I’m still paying off the aftermath of her previous behaviour.

Advice please, would you be the better person and maybe offer to take on the direct debits for the clubs? I’m reluctant to just hand her more money when I don’t entirely trust her to not have !!!!!! it up the wall.

tacpot12

Given the situation is as you describe, I would not pay for these fees. I would suggest that you politely decline on the basis that you do buy clothes, shoes and equipment for these hobbies, and you still have significant debts to repay. Alternatively, you could offer to pay £40-50 more per month in maintenance to help cover these costs, but I don't think you are being unreasonable in not paying. If you have any disposable income, you should be looking to clear the debts faster, to speed up the day when you are free of debt. At that point, you could further increase the child maintenance so that your children benefit from your improved circumstances.   

sassyblue

No I wouldn’t pay her any further money if you are paying what the CMS calculator suggests.  How many clubs do the children go to? Perhaps they should choose one or two and not anymore (if they do extra).

we all have to learn in life you go without if you don’t have the money. It’s one of the best lessons to in-still in children. 

Mojisola

MPE-J said:

im now down to £15K of (her) debt and am starting to be able to actually have a disposable income.
I have consistently paid her full maintenance (in addition to forking out four figures a month in debt repayment) whilst having the kids twice a week and regularly buying them clothes, shoes and equipment for their various hobbies.

You're already going above and beyond - while you're still paying off the debt, I wouldn't increase payments.

If you do get worn down and pressurised into contributing more, pay the clubs directly rather than giving it to her (otherwise you won't know whether it would be used for the clubs or not).

Our children had both parents at home but they could only do things we could afford - that's how life works.

ZaSa1418

What else did the message say? Did she ask you to pay it all? 
I wouldn't be giving her anymore money in this situation you describe, she signs them up for it, she pays for it. 

Spendless

MPE-J said:

I have consistently paid her full maintenance (in addition to forking out four figures a month in debt repayment) whilst having the kids twice a week and regularly buying them clothes, shoes and equipment for their various hobbies.

I don’t want the kids to suffer but also grew up with the principle that if there wasn’t the money it didn’t happen.

She’s getting what she’s due and I help out buying kit etc as mentioned, the vindictive part of me wants her to have to suck it up but I am in a position where I could pay it despite the fact I’m still paying off the aftermath of her previous behaviour.

Advice please, would you be the better person and maybe offer to take on the direct debits for the clubs? I’m reluctant to just hand her more money when I don’t entirely trust her to not have !!!!!! it up the wall.

What sort of clubs and how many kids? For some children their 'hobbies' are more than that. Performers/entertainers (eg dancers, actors, musicians) plus sports people all start their training in childhood,
. That you've mentioned equipment and kit makes me think the extra classes are in these sort of areas. If  for example you've got a 14yo who has their heart set on going to dance college in a few years time then telling him/her they can no longer attend ballet classes even though you can afford it, wouldn't be fair in my eyes and would be both parents letting them down if they were no longer able to continue.  Does the cost of the kit/equipment outweigh the monthly fees?

I think maybe you need to take each child and each club and the reason behind them participating  and have a think about whether you should financially help more or not. 

HampshireH

You could divvy the club's up. For example

Child A does Dance £50 and clothes plus swimming £100

Child B does football £50 and kit plus swimming £100.

Maybe you pay dance for A and swimming for B or vice versa. 

That way you take responsibility for the costs of one hobbie and it's fees and she does the same?

The above were examples to ensure fairness. They would need to be of similar values - including add one of kit etc 

maman

Are these clubs that the children attended before you split up? Are they perhaps essential quasi childcare? Do you believe, with sensible budgeting, your ex could afford to pay herself?

My gut reaction is that you are paying enough and she has to live within her means but there are circumstances where I would pay. For example, if a child belonged to a football team or was learning an instrument I wouldn't want to pull the plug if it was a long standing arrangement but I'd expect her to pay her share (or all if you think she has sufficient income). 

pickledonionspaceraider

I wouldn't just give her the additional money - it sounds like you are paying your fair share anyway, and its not so unusual that kids what to go to clubs that their parents cannot afford

[Deleted User]

 I wouldn't pay. You have been assessed and pay what's due. How she spends it is up to her and she should manage her money better and not pay for clubs she cant afford. 

CookieMonster

Were you involved in the decisions to allow the children to attend the clubs?
If yes, then fair enough that you pay a portion - I guess, depending on how much you're already paying in Child Support.
If no, then no,
The kids won't suffer if they can't attend pony riding or trampoline class.