Should I supplement my child maintenance with payments for kids clubs & societies?

17 Posts

My ex recently sent me an unsubtle message stated she is paying over £150 a month for the assorted clubs our kids attend.
She was an abusive and controlling partner who ran up debts of thousands including bullying me into an unaffordable mortgage and left me to crawl away with a debt of £30K+ four years ago.
She bought me out of the family house at the cost of me taking on a portion of her debts to give her the liquidity to get a mortgage. I suspect her financial acumen has little improved from when we were together and she would insist she deserved whatever it was and just put it on another credit card.
I bought a wreck of a fixer upper and have slowly coaxed it into life whilst living frugally and paying off said debts.
im now down to £15K of (her) debt and am starting to be able to actually have a disposable income.
I have consistently paid her full maintenance (in addition to forking out four figures a month in debt repayment) whilst having the kids twice a week and regularly buying them clothes, shoes and equipment for their various hobbies.
I don’t want the kids to suffer but also grew up with the principle that if there wasn’t the money it didn’t happen.
She’s getting what she’s due and I help out buying kit etc as mentioned, the vindictive part of me wants her to have to suck it up but I am in a position where I could pay it despite the fact I’m still paying off the aftermath of her previous behaviour.
Advice please, would you be the better person and maybe offer to take on the direct debits for the clubs? I’m reluctant to just hand her more money when I don’t entirely trust her to not have !!!!!! it up the wall.
She was an abusive and controlling partner who ran up debts of thousands including bullying me into an unaffordable mortgage and left me to crawl away with a debt of £30K+ four years ago.
She bought me out of the family house at the cost of me taking on a portion of her debts to give her the liquidity to get a mortgage. I suspect her financial acumen has little improved from when we were together and she would insist she deserved whatever it was and just put it on another credit card.
I bought a wreck of a fixer upper and have slowly coaxed it into life whilst living frugally and paying off said debts.
im now down to £15K of (her) debt and am starting to be able to actually have a disposable income.
I have consistently paid her full maintenance (in addition to forking out four figures a month in debt repayment) whilst having the kids twice a week and regularly buying them clothes, shoes and equipment for their various hobbies.
I don’t want the kids to suffer but also grew up with the principle that if there wasn’t the money it didn’t happen.
She’s getting what she’s due and I help out buying kit etc as mentioned, the vindictive part of me wants her to have to suck it up but I am in a position where I could pay it despite the fact I’m still paying off the aftermath of her previous behaviour.
Advice please, would you be the better person and maybe offer to take on the direct debits for the clubs? I’m reluctant to just hand her more money when I don’t entirely trust her to not have !!!!!! it up the wall.
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we all have to learn in life you go without if you don’t have the money. It’s one of the best lessons to in-still in children.
Happy moneysaving all.
I wouldn't be giving her anymore money in this situation you describe, she signs them up for it, she pays for it.
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. That you've mentioned equipment and kit makes me think the extra classes are in these sort of areas. If for example you've got a 14yo who has their heart set on going to dance college in a few years time then telling him/her they can no longer attend ballet classes even though you can afford it, wouldn't be fair in my eyes and would be both parents letting them down if they were no longer able to continue. Does the cost of the kit/equipment outweigh the monthly fees?
I think maybe you need to take each child and each club and the reason behind them participating and have a think about whether you should financially help more or not.
Child A does Dance £50 and clothes plus swimming £100
Child B does football £50 and kit plus swimming £100.
Maybe you pay dance for A and swimming for B or vice versa.
That way you take responsibility for the costs of one hobbie and it's fees and she does the same?
The above were examples to ensure fairness. They would need to be of similar values - including add one of kit etc
My gut reaction is that you are paying enough and she has to live within her means but there are circumstances where I would pay. For example, if a child belonged to a football team or was learning an instrument I wouldn't want to pull the plug if it was a long standing arrangement but I'd expect her to pay her share (or all if you think she has sufficient income).
If yes, then fair enough that you pay a portion - I guess, depending on how much you're already paying in Child Support.
If no, then no,
The kids won't suffer if they can't attend pony riding or trampoline class.