What would you do - narcissistic sister

jennystarpepper

When you say you don't want to be nasty to her, it just tells me that you are at the end of the line with it all... you are good people and just keep telling yourself this.  It is not about being horrible, it is about looking after you and your family (mainly your mum).  

You are right to ignore the snide comments, they are done so you all react.  

You may need to ask for advice about the property going forward, as I'm sure this will be used as another 'rattle' to chuck out the pram!  Maybe someone is better to advise you than me, but not reacting to tantrums is the best way forward. 

Is it worth having a chat with the landlord of your dad's local to give him the 'heads-up'?  He has the final say in whos allowed in his pub.

Sorry to hear about your dad passing, I think he put you in charge of things for a reason. X 

Pennylane

Why don’t you get the vicar or funeral director to tell him he is not welcome at the funeral.  Our vicar told me he has had to do that a few times. 

sassyblue

I think I’ll forewarn the vicar, however, the police have told him he’s not welcome and he’s still insisting on going so I doubt he'll suddenly take notice of the vicar....

sixtyfoothigh

You mentioned your sister contacted the funeral directors first, but who signed the contract with the directors? Because that’s who they’ll take final instructions from as that’s who is legally on the hook for paying them. If it’s not the executor who appointed the funeral director then they’ll need to pay and submit the claim for money to the estate for the executor to deal with.
If your sister is the one who signed the contract then you might want to contact the funeral director now and see if they can cancel that agreement and enter a contract with you... though that might be messy/might not be possible.

re house. You’re the executor. You need to act with best interests of all beneficiaries in mind. If everyone but your sister wants it sold, then she will need to buy everyone out (at market value). Get it valued, give her the option, if she can’t buy everyone out then sell it as that’s your job. 

badmemory

sixtyfoothigh said:

re house. You’re the executor. You need to act with best interests of all beneficiaries in mind. If everyone but your sister wants it sold, then she will need to buy everyone out (at market value). Get it valued, give her the option, if she can’t buy everyone out then sell it as that’s your job. 

This definitely!  Can you imagine the aggravation keeping it would cause?  As in put up the rent, why should I pay part of the gas safe tests etc etc etc.  You & your siblings do not need that in your lives.

Re the bill for the funeral, if she has added unagreed costs she may be liable for them herself & they cannot come from the estate, although I suspect that may be an arguement too far for you.

Hopefully you can see that her behaviour is not personal, so please don't take it that way, some people just can't help themselves.  Try the words "the law says" I must do this & that re your executorship & so "I must do this".  Wishing you well with this as dealing with toxic family members is not for the faint hearted.

Blindalley

Sorry to hear this, so sad. Narcissists are so self destructive and sadly will attack many around them, with lifelong grudges. Wondered how a lawyer has to deal with such people - at what point is it 'bad character' versus an illness?

sassyblue

sixtyfoothigh said:

You mentioned your sister contacted the funeral directors first, but who signed the contract with the directors? Because that’s who they’ll take final instructions from as that’s who is legally on the hook for paying them. If it’s not the executor who appointed the funeral director then they’ll need to pay and submit the claim for money to the estate for the executor to deal with.
If your sister is the one who signed the contract then you might want to contact the funeral director now and see if they can cancel that agreement and enter a contract with you... though that might be messy/might not be possible.

re house. You’re the executor. You need to act with best interests of all beneficiaries in mind. If everyone but your sister wants it sold, then she will need to buy everyone out (at market value). Get it valued, give her the option, if she can’t buy everyone out then sell it as that’s your job. 

Not so. My twin sisters contacted them first naturally, but The Executor is responsible for paying the bill so ultimately that’s who the funeral directors should take notice of.  I’ve spoken to them this morning and double checked a few details, last week we had a good compromise that the curtains at the crem would remain open until the two sisters who wanted them left open had left, then they would be closed.  Surprise surprise they had not updated the funeral directors. I have arranged that now and made sure there will be no more changes unless they go through me first. 

As for the bill she’s going to send me one as well, my sister would have passed it onto me to pay anyway - they just want to control everything but would have no intention of paying for what they’d chose!

Re the house, it’s the opposite situation, it would be me and hubby ultimately buying the others out. It has been our plan to have a second property for a long time for a retirement nest egg. We would need to raise the funds, we're not swimming in cash lol, but it’s doable.

I have a background in law, albeit family, but I did some civil so I know some things.

I know the funeral directors personally so that’s been made much easier, regards the photo they took off, the funeral directors has said they could have both photos on, no they asked for my younger sisters to be totally removed.  That’s simply spiteful, but par for the course, like the other things they changed I can imagine them chuckling at thinking they’d got one over on us, I’ve seen them do it to others. My toxic sister lives in a fantasy world behaving like Alexis Carrington did in Dynasty, it’s the best way I can describe it, but real life isn’t like that.