What would you do - narcissistic sister

sassyblue

I am one of four children and get on well with all but one of them.  She is the younger sister and has always been a depressive. She made bad choices in life as an adult but blames everyone else for her problems. For 30 years - yes 30 years - me, mum and my younger sister have tolerated her occasional outbursts by ignoring her until she calms down, then when she’s in a better mood she’s sweetness and light and forgets what she’s done and called you in her temper so thinks she’s forgiven.  Just when you think she’s turned a corner in life she’s off again for some perceived slight against her and it’s all our fault again.  If I sat and told you the spiteful, cunning things she’s done in life to us you’d say I’m a liar, she constantly ruins family events and you walk on eggshells around her.   

She definitely fits the profile of a toxic personality or narcissist except she isn’t outgoing, in fact this is one reason she detests me and my younger sister, because we are more confident and outgoing and she isn’t, but is desperate to be.

one of the main problems is that she is a twin. Her twin is more like us elder two sisters, kind, outgoing and just gets on with life but being a twin she always sticks up for her twin. I can understand her loyalty somewhat but the trouble begins when the nice twin will be horrified the nasty twin has done - before being manipulated to change her mind and come back and blame you after she’s spoken to the nasty twin. Nice twin is completely controlled and manipulated but is too frightened to stand up to nasty twin.

Our parents divorced after nearly 50 years of marriage about 7 years ago and mum has since remarried, but mum and dad were civil to each other.

dad had a long period of ill health and suffered with dementia, eventually losing capacity.  We had power of attorney and we've always tried to have a discussion around dad's care but it always ends up in an argument because nasty twin has to be in control.  If she doesn’t get her own way - overriding three sisters!! - she starts having tantrums and turns on the tears resulting in nice twin instantly siding with her and then we are two against two.

Nasty twin has made a complete idiot of herself in two different hospitals and dads care home with this behaviour, simple decisions have turned into battles which sometimes didn’t make sense or benefit dad in any way.

Now to the present day.  Dad recently suddenly passed away. That evening we all gathered at mum's and talk turned to the funeral, nasty sister decided unilaterally that certain people weren’t coming to the funeral - and one of them was mum.  The rest of us sat there horrified and all said no, mum (and the others) were coming to the funeral.  I stepped outside to take a call and nasty sister cornered me alone afterwards trying to get me on her side which I wasn’t entertaining and told her so.  There was no argument or raised voices.  Nasty sister literally stomped off and we know that one way or another we're for it. 

about half hour later nasty sister turns up with her boyfriend. He too is a depressive and controlling around his family that they don’t get on, he barely turns up to our family events, he’s always in bed 'ill'. They both came back saying they weren’t happy with the 'trouble' that had happened and he was there to ‘stick up for' nasty twin. We said there wasn’t any trouble, but that nasty sister wasn’t going to get her way this time.  He got in my mum's face then and was screaming at her that she wasn’t part of the family and had 'no right' to go to dads funeral. Me and elder sister stood up and shouted at them both to leave but they refused, they carried on screaming and he ended up pushing my sister and kicking out at her before step dad bundled them out. I called the police at this point.  He left smashing things in mum and stepdad's driveway.

the police have since been round and told him it’s our wish that he does not attend dads funeral. We will not have him there when he's been on the scene two years and had no relationship with dad. He has told the police he’s coming.

to make matters worse, I’m the executor of dad's will and funeral but thought we had sorted all the funeral, songs and photos for the order of service between us.  Me and younger sister have since been told our songs and photo choices have been changed by the nasty twin (who contacted the funeral home first) and had we not had a chance conversation with the funeral home we would not have known until the day.

We had also been told the curtains at the crematorium had to remain open 'because of covid' but that’s untrue. It was nasty twins wish that they stay open and we were lied to by nice twin when discussing arrangements.

Dad's funeral is this coming week.  On Monday I’m now going to pull the 'I’m the executor' line and make sure I know all the details that have been arranged so far and tell the funeral home, church and crem that no details should be changed before going through me BUT would you arrange security for the church? The police cannot physically stop him attending unless he 'kicks off' and we have to dial 999 but my dads funeral will be ruined if that happens.

This is so embarrassing and unbelievable. We can’t believe nasty twin has caused all this trouble and my relationship with her is well and truly over, mum and sister have said the same but of course mum is heartbroken despite bearing the brunt of her mood all these years.  True to form nice twin initially said nasty twin has gone too far this time and needs professional help, before backtracking and supporting her again.

None of us have grieved for dad because of it and dad was a happy go lucky, fun loving person who would be absolutely disgusted by it all.  Sorry it’s long but I think you needed background - so would you prevent the boyfriend coming and let nasty sister get her own way yet again? 

elsien

I’m sorry for your loss and that you’re all going through this. 

If it’s a public funeral then you can’t ban someone from attending. Trying to arrange security is only going to cause more ructions on the day unless you’re talking the sort of unlawful heavies who are willing to threaten harm and follow through. It’s less about your sister getting her own way, and more about accepting your mechanisms for stopping him are limited. 

Your sister (all other issues aside) is likely to want her boyfriend there to support her. It’s not about him knowing your dad, it’s about him being there for her. Whatever the family dynamics, she has lost her dad as well.

You could ban him from the wake if that’s in a private place, and tbh that’s where there’s more likely to be ructions than at the service itself. 

sassyblue

Thanks. We know it’s a public building and he can’t be banned, the police said covid restrictions are on our side but as you say, do you need it? 

I think it’s just galling that he will have to be there when he spoke to my mum the way he did (in her own home too) and we have to lump it.  I know he'll be smirking and trying to catch our eye, he’s every bit as toxic as sister.

gettingtheresometime

elsien said:

I’m sorry for your loss and that you’re all going through this. 

If it’s a public funeral then you can’t ban someone from attending. Trying to arrange security is only going to cause more ructions on the day unless you’re talking the sort of unlawful heavies who are willing to threaten harm and follow through. It’s less about your sister getting her own way, and more about accepting your mechanisms for stopping him are limited. 

Your sister (all other issues aside) is likely to want her boyfriend there to support her. It’s not about him knowing your dad, it’s about him being there for her. Whatever the family dynamics, she has lost her dad as well.

You could ban him from the wake if that’s in a private place, and tbh that’s where there’s more likely to be ructions than at the service itself. 

Whilst I'd agree with you in 'normal' times, aren't there restrictions on the number of attendees due to Covid? 

OP, if there are restrictions & there are sufficient 'spaces' I'd consider letting the boyfriend attend - if only to let the funeral pass off in a dignified manner. I'd also consider letting the changes she's implemented stand - again is there a chance she'd kick off during the service?
it may seem like she's winning, but sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war.

sassyblue

Just when is her need for control going to be satisfied though? 

The photos she wants on the order of service are out of focus and years old, previous to this she loved the one the other three of us offered up, it’s just odd - and vindictive.

Grumpelstiltskin

Basically for the past 15 months no one has had the funeral they wanted.
I think you should ignore them, you know you can't stop them turning up but with social distancing you don't have to sit close to them, just let them get on with their performance. You can just walk away afterwards, no wake so just walk away.

elsien

I’d go with the order of service that the majority of you can live with,
Take your perceptions of her need for control out of it. Take a step back.
When you’re looking back on the day, are you going to be more bothered by the photos used, or by being on edge throughout in case things kick off? The music is possibly more important to you all - I know it would be to me - and your memories of him, so what can you live with, and what do you feel you really need to keep to do your dad justice? 

RAS

The funeral director's will need a plan showing where everyone is seated, Covid compliant. 

Give your sister and her beau a double slot away from mum and explain to the funeral directors beforehand that if either kick off, they need to leave. Make sure however that it respects your sister's status as daughter  (next to her twin but on the opposite side of the chapel to mum?)

Get them out of the chapel and into the viewing area before your mum and you leave via a different route and talk to the directors about what is possible, in terms of removing the viewing party promptly and giving your mum and yourselves a few minutes to look at the flowers.

Maybe instruct the directors that no-one is to remove them without your express permission and tell everyone they will be "sent to charity."

jennystarpepper

What a terrible situation you are in, I do feel for you and your family.

Perhaps you, other sister, mum and step dad need to sit down after the funeral and decide what you want in relation to nasty twin going forward.  Do you want to limit or cut contact?  When you have decided, let nice twin in on your plans, re assure her this is what you all want and what relationship she has with her sister is between them, but that you will not be bullied or have her boyfriend upsetting your family again.  

Toxic people do not get help as they do not see anything wrong with their actions, she will carry on and on and on... but you and your family can control how it affects you.  Having lived with people like this for years I can tell you they do not change,  you will just make yourself ill trying to reason with them, you can't, as I'm sure you know.

It is sad she is using the funeral to spite you all, if the boyfriend does go try to not make eye contact and ban him from the wake if you have one (as someone has suggested).  Just try to remember she is doing this to get a reaction, it is hard to say, but just try and ignore the boyfriend, this will hurt her / them more as she is acting like a 5 year old having a paddy and attention seeking.  

You are right in telling those people working for you to not make changes re the funeral unless you say so, maybe tell them you will confirm everything by email just to make sure she cannot interfere in any other way.   

sassyblue

thanks all you are giving me food for thought. It’s a one way system at the crem so we can just keep back and we are having a wake at dad’s favourite pub. We are hiring the rooms so it may be possible to say he’s unwelcome there, although the room limit is 60 people.

ETA: I won’t stoop to their level and of course she will be treated as an equal. She’s also lost dad although she has a strange way of showing it.  I’m doing the eulogy and I’ve asked all sisters for a story or funny thing about dad. I’ve included something for us all I just wish she’d afford us the same respect!

sassyblue

Thanks Jenny, you get it.  Going forward me and sister will not be having any relationship with her, mum is torn but knows she has been unable to put a stop to her behaviour for so long there doesn't seem an option left.

nice twin made a revealing comment after the funeral argument that perhaps this time nasty twin will 'finally get rid of him' so obviously their relationship isn’t that great - but how can it be when they are both depressives who need control? She has never had a nice boyfriend anyway. But if they do split nasty twin would try and worm her way back to mum by blaming him for everything, it’s never her fault as you know! 

Dad has left his property between the four of us, it’s rented out but I can see more trouble ahead every time there’s a decision to make. She doesn’t want to take her share out (I’ve asked them all what they would like to do) but I’m thinking of getting it valued and sending nasty twin her share of it and be done with her.  I don’t want to be horrible to her but she has no qualms upsetting us....

and btw, dad never knew about any of these arguments the last few years. Although she made snide comments in front of him we totally ignored her. He knew about her behaviour long ago before his illnesses and he spoke to her several times. It never stopped her sadly.