Living together who pays what

goodadvice1

Thanks for honest replies not married 🙂 it's his house I just keep it nice help with the DIY and have over time bought or paid half off things for the home.  We are happy its his house his mortgage which is basically nothing anymore. He could actually pay it off now. When we started out he didn't have savings. I think he enjoyed the time off with forlough while I was still going to work in second lockdown. It's just the digs of no work today, how we going to afford next holiday lol if we go anywhere I would normally pay half. I also buy all Xmas presents too. I think deep down he's sick off his job and I've told him to go self employed as he would be so much better off mentally bit he's stuck . I think it's more bothering him than I'm at home while he's at work and feels it's not fair. When I was working for someone else we had no time together and I worked every weekend so we couldn't go anywhere or do anything. I was always shattered and still came home to a sink of dishes. Now I use my days at home to do the shopping catch up on the house. 

Obviously as work starts to come in I'll take it. I'm not work shy and I don't have any debt now either. 

74jax

goodadvice1 said:

74jax said:

goodadvice1 said:

Hi folks, just looking for advice here, so nearly 8 years ago I relocated to be with partner, rented a property for 6 months which I paid for. Since then my partner asked me to live with him, he owns his home. Also at the time I had a extremely good job which I worked away at and a great income. Its been nearly 8 years we have stayed together, I had a shoulder injury so couldn't do my job but I paid £3000 pounds into his account for contribution towards my keep while I waited on surgery, then it was agreed I'd find a job at home. So not much going so I took job  40 hours a week, it was agreed he'd pay the bills whilst I buy all the shopping toiletries and petrol for the car. Plus on top I do all the cooking cleaning washing and housework. My question is I went self employed with his support not his financial help, and it went well till covid hit, but nothings  changed, still got an income from work I could do and he had furlough, I've still bought all the shopping and petrol with the money I took in, now we are out of lockdown ill have to build up customers again. He is resenting I am not working 5 days a week at the moment, which isn't my fault, as I wasn't able to go into peoples home, as a cleaner. He has a really good job and makes double and has been able to save money and has no stress, and everything I take in goes into the house and to add i never ask him for anything. Which is right enough, but the three days I do work its absolute knackering, he doesn't get it, I'm doing my best to keep money coming in and dont mind I'm doing everything in the house. Should I give up my new venture and find another full time employed job. I dont know if he thinks I'm living off him or what. 

Are you living off him (at the moment I mean due to only working 3 days a week) not sure if you are using savings etc. As if you are could it be he can't see an end to it, and if you aren't then jolly well tell him to buck his ideas up.
After 8 years you should be able to ask him if he feels you are taking the mick.  
Do you get anything out of the relationship? Are you happy otherwise? 
In answer to your question should you find a full time job, if you can financially manage on 3 days I would stick with that, especially if you have an injury. 

I'm actually making the same money working 3 days as I did working 5. I put around £150 a week into house. His outgoings are less than mine. 

In which case you really do need to ask him if he thinks you are living off him and then show him you are not! 
I thought maybe he was worried long term, but clearly he sees you working less hours and for a ridiculous reason thinks it's wrong! 
I know I've asked if you get anything from the relationship, if not, I'd look at leaving. If you do then hopefully a discussion over money etc will put you both on the right track again. 

74jax

goodadvice1 said:

Thanks for honest replies not married 🙂 it's his house I just keep it nice help with the DIY and have over time bought or paid half off things for the home.  We are happy its his house his mortgage which is basically nothing anymore. He could actually pay it off now. When we started out he didn't have savings. I think he enjoyed the time off with forlough while I was still going to work in second lockdown. It's just the digs of no work today, how we going to afford next holiday lol if we go anywhere I would normally pay half. I also buy all Xmas presents too. I think deep down he's sick off his job and I've told him to go self employed as he would be so much better off mentally bit he's stuck . I think it's more bothering him than I'm at home while he's at work and feels it's not fair. When I was working for someone else we had no time together and I worked every weekend so we couldn't go anywhere or do anything. I was always shattered and still came home to a sink of dishes. Now I use my days at home to do the shopping catch up on the house. 

Obviously as work starts to come in I'll take it. I'm not work shy and I don't have any debt now either. 

Thank you and I think a lot of people now are feeling like this. My brother will say to me 'no work for you, its fine for you' not realising I'm volunteering and it's damn hard!
My husband is still wfh and a friend has said it must be great him being at home. The reality is I don't eee him still, he's locked away in the study from 9 till 6 most days. 
The holiday comment is similar to something my hubby said when we discussed me leaving work, we have fabulous holidays and he asked what I would do if I didn't have them. It was easy to discuss as we were in lockdown and couldn't go anywhere anyway, so that was last year and this taken care of. But we discussed everything from holidays, running cars, birthdays etc.
It seems your relationship has just hit a glitch rather than being over, and maybe a nice meal, bottle of wine and a chat about the next 12 months might sort it? 

Happy_Sloth

74jax said:

goodadvice1 said:

Thanks for honest replies not married 🙂 it's his house I just keep it nice help with the DIY and have over time bought or paid half off things for the home.  We are happy its his house his mortgage which is basically nothing anymore. He could actually pay it off now. When we started out he didn't have savings. I think he enjoyed the time off with forlough while I was still going to work in second lockdown. It's just the digs of no work today, how we going to afford next holiday lol if we go anywhere I would normally pay half. I also buy all Xmas presents too. I think deep down he's sick off his job and I've told him to go self employed as he would be so much better off mentally bit he's stuck . I think it's more bothering him than I'm at home while he's at work and feels it's not fair. When I was working for someone else we had no time together and I worked every weekend so we couldn't go anywhere or do anything. I was always shattered and still came home to a sink of dishes. Now I use my days at home to do the shopping catch up on the house. 

Obviously as work starts to come in I'll take it. I'm not work shy and I don't have any debt now either. 

Thank you and I think a lot of people now are feeling like this. My brother will say to me 'no work for you, its fine for you' not realising I'm volunteering and it's damn hard!
My husband is still wfh and a friend has said it must be great him being at home. The reality is I don't eee him still, he's locked away in the study from 9 till 6 most days. 
The holiday comment is similar to something my hubby said when we discussed me leaving work, we have fabulous holidays and he asked what I would do if I didn't have them. It was easy to discuss as we were in lockdown and couldn't go anywhere anyway, so that was last year and this taken care of. But we discussed everything from holidays, running cars, birthdays etc.
It seems your relationship has just hit a glitch rather than being over, and maybe a nice meal, bottle of wine and a chat about the next 12 months might sort it? 

I agree it sounds to me like an honest char with him is needed,  people on the internet really can't give advice on what he's thinking.  We can tell you that we don't think your sponging off him but that's not the issue. 

goodadvice1

Aww thanks all. I do love him and I don't think we live any differently than like married people. His mum and dad have always had separate money. His mum only ever worked 16 hours a week his dad  hasn't worked since he was 40 with lung condition. I think right up until we moved in together his parents were taking like £90 a week off each of them and he was trying to do up his house. When I came along it spurred him on to finish it. We've come a long way the deal has always been he pays for the house I buy all the groceries petrol etc and it's never been a big deal. he also eats like a king every night. I just know if he had to hire me it would cost him plenty lol as thats what I do for a living. 

Pollycat

What will happen (financially) if either of you decide you want to end the relationship?

Is he aware that you are earning as much in 3 days as you did in 5?

It sounds like he is resentful that you have more free time than he does.

He didn't mind you going out to work when he was furloughed but now the boot is on the other foot...

It sounds like he wants everything weighed in his favour and I'd question a relationship with someone with that attitude.