Living together who pays what

goodadvice1

Hi folks, just looking for advice here, so nearly 8 years ago I relocated to be with partner, rented a property for 6 months which I paid for. Since then my partner asked me to live with him, he owns his home. Also at the time I had a extremely good job which I worked away at and a great income. Its been nearly 8 years we have stayed together, I had a shoulder injury so couldn't do my job but I paid £3000 pounds into his account for contribution towards my keep while I waited on surgery, then it was agreed I'd find a job at home. So not much going so I took job  40 hours a week, it was agreed he'd pay the bills whilst I buy all the shopping toiletries and petrol for the car. Plus on top I do all the cooking cleaning washing and housework. My question is I went self employed with his support not his financial help, and it went well till covid hit, but nothings  changed, still got an income from work I could do and he had furlough, I've still bought all the shopping and petrol with the money I took in, now we are out of lockdown ill have to build up customers again. He is resenting I am not working 5 days a week at the moment, which isn't my fault, as I wasn't able to go into peoples home, as a cleaner. He has a really good job and makes double and has been able to save money and has no stress, and everything I take in goes into the house and to add i never ask him for anything. Which is right enough, but the three days I do work its absolute knackering, he doesn't get it, I'm doing my best to keep money coming in and dont mind I'm doing everything in the house. Should I give up my new venture and find another full time employed job. I dont know if he thinks I'm living off him or what. 

Scottish_Dorset

Maybe give up on him?  I've had something similar and it didn't work.  Two people living in one person's property, one earning a large income, the other surviving rather than thriving.  Even though we were both degree educated, large difference in salaries; oil and gas industry V social services.  It became so difficult, I worked all hours, cooked, bought food, he was mortgage free with time and money on his hands. I was expected to pay him back, even if he bought me a stamp!

I'm currently with my new partner, we earn similar and are buying a house together.  Once that is completed we will put an equal amount into a joint account to pay for mortgage and bills and see how it goes.  I still do most of the cooking but he is a dab hand at cleaning!

74jax

goodadvice1 said:

Hi folks, just looking for advice here, so nearly 8 years ago I relocated to be with partner, rented a property for 6 months which I paid for. Since then my partner asked me to live with him, he owns his home. Also at the time I had a extremely good job which I worked away at and a great income. Its been nearly 8 years we have stayed together, I had a shoulder injury so couldn't do my job but I paid £3000 pounds into his account for contribution towards my keep while I waited on surgery, then it was agreed I'd find a job at home. So not much going so I took job  40 hours a week, it was agreed he'd pay the bills whilst I buy all the shopping toiletries and petrol for the car. Plus on top I do all the cooking cleaning washing and housework. My question is I went self employed with his support not his financial help, and it went well till covid hit, but nothings  changed, still got an income from work I could do and he had furlough, I've still bought all the shopping and petrol with the money I took in, now we are out of lockdown ill have to build up customers again. He is resenting I am not working 5 days a week at the moment, which isn't my fault, as I wasn't able to go into peoples home, as a cleaner. He has a really good job and makes double and has been able to save money and has no stress, and everything I take in goes into the house and to add i never ask him for anything. Which is right enough, but the three days I do work its absolute knackering, he doesn't get it, I'm doing my best to keep money coming in and dont mind I'm doing everything in the house. Should I give up my new venture and find another full time employed job. I dont know if he thinks I'm living off him or what. 

Are you living off him (at the moment I mean due to only working 3 days a week) not sure if you are using savings etc. As if you are could it be he can't see an end to it, and if you aren't then jolly well tell him to buck his ideas up.
After 8 years you should be able to ask him if he feels you are taking the mick.  
Do you get anything out of the relationship? Are you happy otherwise? 
In answer to your question should you find a full time job, if you can financially manage on 3 days I would stick with that, especially if you have an injury. 

Mojisola

goodadvice1 said:

Since then my partner asked me to live with him, he owns his home.

I do all the cooking cleaning washing and housework.

I've still bought all the shopping and petrol with the money I took in

He is resenting I am not working 5 days a week at the moment

I would rather have a room in a shared house and live within my own means than be an unpaid (and unappreciated) maid for someone else.

Happy_Sloth

Me and my husband are celebrating our 19th wedding anniversary today   we've been together for 25 years.  

Over those years ... sometimes he's earned more, sometimes ive earned more, sometimes i've earned nothing, sometimes he's earned nothing. It doesn't matter!  we love each other, we know we are always both doing the best we can. Relationships are give and take support is key.  Right now i earn about 3 times what he earns.....but for a period during covid i earned nothing.   

Each month we both put what we can into the join account.  We talk regularly about what we are earning, re-evaluate as necessary.  Our aim is to simply figure out what we need in the joint and we try and balance it so that we both have about the same 'left over'  for our own person spends and if there is no leftover  then we deal with that too.  

When i wasn't earning i didn't put anything into the joint and he picked up with slack, right now i'm earning the most so i pay most of the bills. We don't have 'his money' and 'my money'  ... we have 'our money' ... we have our houss and we have 'our life together'   when he needed a new car i didn't sit there saying ... well you can't afford it, tough luck. . we bought him a car. 

I've never understood how people can keep such separation in their relationships when they live together. I understand it does work for some people and if it's working great,  But it sound's to be like your being made to feel bad and thats not healthy or good.. in relationships it's common that one person earns more its only a big deal if people make it a big deal

It's highly unlikely my husband will ever earn as much as i do, given his chosen career is lower paid. but he's working hard to support the family and that is all that should matter. 

maisie_cat

Happy_Sloth said:

Me and my husband are celebrating our 19th wedding anniversary today   we've been together for 25 years.  

Over those years ... sometimes he's earned more, sometimes ive earned more, sometimes i've earned nothing, sometimes he's earned nothing. It doesn't matter!  we love each other, we know we are always both doing the best we can. Relationships are give and take support is key.  Right now i earn about 3 times what he earns.....but for a period during covid i earned nothing.   

Each month we both put what we can into the join account.  We talk regularly about what we are earning, re-evaluate as necessary.  Our aim is to simply figure out what we need in the joint and we try and balance it so that we both have about the same 'left over'  for our own person spends and if there is no leftover  then we deal with that too.  

When i wasn't earning i didn't put anything into the joint and he picked up with slack, right now i'm earning the most so i pay most of the bills. We don't have 'his money' and 'my money'  ... we have 'our money' ... we have our houss and we have 'our life together'   when he needed a new car i didn't sit there saying ... well you can't afford it, tough luck. . we bought him a car. 

I've never understood how people can keep such separation in their relationships when they live together. I understand it does work for some people and if it's working great,  But it sound's to be like your being made to feel bad and thats not healthy or good.. in relationships it's common that one person earns more its only a big deal if people make it a big deal

It's highly unlikely my husband will ever earn as much as i do, given his chosen career is lower paid. but he's working hard to support the family and that is all that should matter. 

I couldn't have put  it better myself, we are retired now but have each at some point earned more than the other, and where one has done more work hours and the other has done more  unpaid but important stuff.

74jax

Happy_Sloth said:

Me and my husband are celebrating our 19th wedding anniversary today   we've been together for 25 years.  

Over those years ... sometimes he's earned more, sometimes ive earned more, sometimes i've earned nothing, sometimes he's earned nothing. It doesn't matter!  we love each other, we know we are always both doing the best we can. Relationships are give and take support is key.  Right now i earn about 3 times what he earns.....but for a period during covid i earned nothing.   

Each month we both put what we can into the join account.  We talk regularly about what we are earning, re-evaluate as necessary.  Our aim is to simply figure out what we need in the joint and we try and balance it so that we both have about the same 'left over'  for our own person spends and if there is no leftover  then we deal with that too.  

When i wasn't earning i didn't put anything into the joint and he picked up with slack, right now i'm earning the most so i pay most of the bills. We don't have 'his money' and 'my money'  ... we have 'our money' ... we have our houss and we have 'our life together'   when he needed a new car i didn't sit there saying ... well you can't afford it, tough luck. . we bought him a car. 

I've never understood how people can keep such separation in their relationships when they live together. I understand it does work for some people and if it's working great,  But it sound's to be like your being made to feel bad and thats not healthy or good.. in relationships it's common that one person earns more its only a big deal if people make it a big deal

It's highly unlikely my husband will ever earn as much as i do, given his chosen career is lower paid. but he's working hard to support the family and that is all that should matter. 

I just wanted to say what a lovely post and I love your username. We have one adopted 😊.

I really think after 8 years you should be able to speak with him about this. Maybe he doesn't know how long it will go on for etc. Is there a reason you never married? Perhaps he feels as you aren't married he is doing enough as you don't need to pay rent or a mortgage? I'm not saying he's right, but trying to think of why is all of a sudden how he is.
I think communication is key, I'm married so slightly different but I gave up work last year and we talked at great length about it and financial implications etc. I'm not sure, if we weren't married, if my husband would see it the same way (perhaps). 

CookieMonster

goodadvice1 said:

I dont know if he thinks I'm living off him or what. 

Then ask him?
Surely after 8 years your communication is good enough for that conversation?

You had an agreement on who pays what:
That was acceptable before (I assume, as it was the status quo) but now you want to change it:
The injury, job change, Covid etc may be factor in changing the agreement.

AskAsk

so are the living costs split 50/50?

Pollycat

goodadvice1 said:

Hi folks, just looking for advice here, so nearly 8 years ago I relocated to be with partner, rented a property for 6 months which I paid for. Since then my partner asked me to live with him, he owns his home. Also at the time I had a extremely good job which I worked away at and a great income. Its been nearly 8 years we have stayed together, I had a shoulder injury so couldn't do my job but I paid £3000 pounds into his account for contribution towards my keep while I waited on surgery, then it was agreed I'd find a job at home. So not much going so I took job  40 hours a week, it was agreed he'd pay the bills whilst I buy all the shopping toiletries and petrol for the car. Plus on top I do all the cooking cleaning washing and housework. My question is I went self employed with his support not his financial help, and it went well till covid hit, but nothings  changed, still got an income from work I could do and he had furlough, I've still bought all the shopping and petrol with the money I took in, now we are out of lockdown ill have to build up customers again. He is resenting I am not working 5 days a week at the moment, which isn't my fault, as I wasn't able to go into peoples home, as a cleaner. He has a really good job and makes double and has been able to save money and has no stress, and everything I take in goes into the house and to add i never ask him for anything. Which is right enough, but the three days I do work its absolute knackering, he doesn't get it, I'm doing my best to keep money coming in and dont mind I'm doing everything in the house. Should I give up my new venture and find another full time employed job. I dont know if he thinks I'm living off him or what. 

If he doesn't get it, I'd give up on him.

goodadvice1

74jax said:

goodadvice1 said:

Hi folks, just looking for advice here, so nearly 8 years ago I relocated to be with partner, rented a property for 6 months which I paid for. Since then my partner asked me to live with him, he owns his home. Also at the time I had a extremely good job which I worked away at and a great income. Its been nearly 8 years we have stayed together, I had a shoulder injury so couldn't do my job but I paid £3000 pounds into his account for contribution towards my keep while I waited on surgery, then it was agreed I'd find a job at home. So not much going so I took job  40 hours a week, it was agreed he'd pay the bills whilst I buy all the shopping toiletries and petrol for the car. Plus on top I do all the cooking cleaning washing and housework. My question is I went self employed with his support not his financial help, and it went well till covid hit, but nothings  changed, still got an income from work I could do and he had furlough, I've still bought all the shopping and petrol with the money I took in, now we are out of lockdown ill have to build up customers again. He is resenting I am not working 5 days a week at the moment, which isn't my fault, as I wasn't able to go into peoples home, as a cleaner. He has a really good job and makes double and has been able to save money and has no stress, and everything I take in goes into the house and to add i never ask him for anything. Which is right enough, but the three days I do work its absolute knackering, he doesn't get it, I'm doing my best to keep money coming in and dont mind I'm doing everything in the house. Should I give up my new venture and find another full time employed job. I dont know if he thinks I'm living off him or what. 

Are you living off him (at the moment I mean due to only working 3 days a week) not sure if you are using savings etc. As if you are could it be he can't see an end to it, and if you aren't then jolly well tell him to buck his ideas up.
After 8 years you should be able to ask him if he feels you are taking the mick.  
Do you get anything out of the relationship? Are you happy otherwise? 
In answer to your question should you find a full time job, if you can financially manage on 3 days I would stick with that, especially if you have an injury. 

I'm actually making the same money working 3 days as I did working 5. I put around £150 a week into house. His outgoings are less than mine.